Thankful

Today I saw a man walking by along his young son, a kid perhaps a few years older than Esteban; they were holding hands as I’ve always done with my son. And I thought of my soon to be born son Julian, and then inevitably, and unusually too, I thought of my father. How much did I lose by not having him growing up next to me? Who was by my side, as I grew? Tears rolled down my cheeks as I contemplated how sad it must’ve been. All the fervent innocence with which I waited every year, around this same time, in the hopes that maybe this would be the end of the year of which he’d show up, as he had every few other years. But that rarely took place. And as such, I grew up to expect less of people and of me, by keeping my expectations quiet, by immersing into a world of neglect and discontent that I couldn’t have foreseen. I now understand how much of a good father I really am. I know, now, that I must forget and forgive in order to let true healing begin. I must be the one who shows up every year, each and every single day, to make that promise to me and to both my boys who are what I cherish most in this world. For them, and for the boy I once was, I am both hopeful and thankful.

SOBE

I went to South Beach, again. Much better hotel, only thing they had a DJ blasting  techno music aloud in the lobby area and our room was a few steps up down the hall. Luckily, she showed me that the stereo provided by the room had an iPod dock. So, we listened to music, run a sex marathon and then just lie there covered in steamy sweat, panting and wrapped into each others' arms, eyes locked. Take a shower while you have a rare cigarette, go to the beach and expose ourselves to the spotty rays of sun, take a walk, eat breakfast at the hotel (no more, it costed us thirty dollars), find where to cut hair which was on my to-do list. Also, on my to do things was to go to Mango's. Also, get a really cool shirt and flirt with the girl that has to flirt back because it's her job, then get away with a $59 shirt with a tag price in the hundreds. Get a pair of pants, because she lowered the price and them pants were banging! I still have not taken them off.
On the plane, I filmed her sleep. Payback, bitch... she had done so to me, you see. And we rarely play pranks on each other. I don't think she finds me funny, but she laughs wholeheartedly from time to time. I get her to smile all the time. We had tons of fun.
But we never made it to Mango's.

WithdrawaLove

Every bit of it, like Schopenhauer once said, "life is pain", and then again, Buddhism had already said so centuries in advance. No matter how ready you think you are, you're always coming up short when it comes to love. What is love, anyway? Hemingway said love was sacrifice. Yeah, there's some of that. I am willing to pay the price. It is cheap, this supposed suffering, for the blessing of our lover.
Schopenhauer also comes to mind, in the porcupine metaphor for love. Schopenhauer said that porcupines would seek one another in cold nights and soon shoot away from one another before stinging one another with their spines. As humans, we seek intimacy and want to belong to something unique, sacred and special, and if that isn't the case, for whatever the case may be, then we have to reassess our approach and take a step back. We ought to break free, if only to to stab one another with the knife of indifference and monotony, with bursts of jealousy and unnecessary drama, a whole lot of inconsistencies that add up to a very unsavory moment. It is best to stop now, and move on. The only thing we owe one another is discretion. And I am thankful for all of the gifts I've received and do not regret too much having failed temporarily. We will get up and go out that door, just one more time. Let's go the local bar and drown our sorrows in beer. Erin ought to be one of the bartenders tonight.
Let's take it slow and do not make a show later on. Drink cautiously, as if she were about to walk in any minute now. Tend to your own demons. Do not call her when you're drunk. Do not call her sober. Call her when the time is right. She will forgive you, and you will forgive her, because the bond that you guys share is stronger than ideas, words, and like a bad habit, it dies hard.
Let's stay still for a while longer. Let's suffocate in peace. Let's withstand the storm.
Serenity will break loose from the cracks in the pavement and flourish all over the walls of this room.
I will venture out into the night.