A Beautiful Lie

Have I ever been to her place? No. I’m not sure she lives where she says she lives. I don’t know any of her friends. The lack of nicotine will unleash the demon in me. Somewhere, I read, studies show that will-power is an illusion, and that whenever we devote ourselves to the causes at heart, we can't tag them all at once, so we work with what we have. First, quit smoking and then move on to bigger, brighter things; but first, this I must endure and this will not be an easy task. It won't be impossible, but I have a way of making it look easy. I don't talk much about it and it hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it'd be. I know, it'd be harder if I let another day pass by, so today would've been harder to quit than three weeks ago. As I look at myself, I treat myself harshly, I am not perfect but I am nonetheless a perfectionist. Just the same, I scrutinize others, with the same loving demonic eyes. 

I see her. She's far more evolved than I was at her age. Women tend to mature emotionally faster than men. I may have been a brighter, more introspective soul back then but there's really no standpoint from which I can compare experiences. 
She's not perfect but seems sweet enough. She fights with smiles, looks, silence, a deep inhalation. But certain things do not paint the fairest picture so no reason why I should go creating my own fairy-tale. 

It says there, she lives in another state, right on her Facebook info. It says, not much more, just a whole bunch of party people in the state she supposedly lives. And she goes there on weekends, to take care of matters that pertain to regular days. She rarely stays over, but she has; no sex, no kiss (yeah, you heard right), just cuddling from time to time. Of course, we were intimate once: no kissing. 

Look, this is a bit strange to me. I said it to her bluntly, "I can take rejection, I can't take uncertainty." Of course, not in those terms, but whenever I get the chance, I make sure she knows where I'm coming from, she can't feel too safe around me but she knows she's safe. I can grab her out of nowhere and kiss her, I grab her ass, I kiss her face, I smell her hair, I feel her skin, and we play the game like the skilled players we are. No jealousy, no drama, so I need to make sure it lasts: no Facebook. 

We all have our flawsand we all know something more of other people. I have yet to know anything based on her Facebook profile. It doesn't say she lives in New York. We all lie, but I don't really know anything else about her. I am a trusted person, and it's because I trust people. She's undoubtedly nice, she has been fun to be around, and I cannot count down the times I see her. It's win or lose. No middle ground for love. 
No place for thirds, we come first. 
Simple love guidelines that help in the process of this beautiful lie. 

Red Flags

I don't spend a lot of time in the local bar. I go there once a week, have a few beers, drinks, not like I used to. In my twenties I drank the most, but it was really a long weekend thing, and it didn't last long. By my late twenties, I was assistant manager to a small security firm based out of New Jersey; they gave me a car, paid for everything, and it was not a time that I ever drank: I worked seven days a week, any hour of the day, and still then I had time to see my friends and take a girl out. In fact, it was something I looked forward to: the weekend. 

Nowadays, it's different. When Esteban was born, I stopped but also left home due to problems with his mom. We soon thereafter took different paths and have had an amicable relationship, not exempt of drama altogether but decent enough. It's not because I have sons that I don't go out much. It's because, well, I'm old. And I'm too old to not notice if a person spends all of their time on the phone when they're with you, why couldn't they just answer a text? You let things of this nature slide over and over again, punishing with indifference, and the instances become less pronounced, What to do if they occur again?

Well, you take measures. Look, it's okay if you can't answer back but if you initiated the conversation, then end it. I don't ask nothing compromising, but you will get an answer from me. It's just a no-no in my book to tolerate women get away with murder. Rudeness should never be something you have to suffer without consequences. We're not talking about the ego. We're talking about not inflating their ego by letting slide too many things all at once. Minimize your interactions, and you only talk if you see each other, not on the phone. That works for me, it's ideal, I have things to take care, people to please, places to go, and I enjoy what we have because is benevolent. We know each other for a few months, if things were meant to be, they'd be by now. It's not right to lead a man on, the way you have; I understand, girls play hard to get, and I love giving chase, but I don't too much of an effort with her and it is a relaxed atmosphere, not without my attempts at her. Of course, if she didn't want me at all, then I suppose it'd make no sense really to spend time with me. That's just a bad dynamic. 

Of course, I had girlfriends who wouldn't sleep with me, some who started as friends and later on became more, and others it was just instantaneous. With her, I didn't initially take much notice. I was still in love with Connie when she moved in with me, and by then Connie and I were done. We had our silly, melodramatic fights, because, I insist, she's feisty, and I hate bullies, so we clash. Oh, I'm just teasing. Look, all melodrama aside, you've got to be careful because before you know it, girls can entangle you in their sensationalist webs and you can become a slave to their whims. Of course, I love playing along, you never know people's hearts by merely looking at their face. Here we have someone who has met friends, family of mine, and has been to my place in more than a few occasions; I've yet to meet one of her friends, or see her place. Well, look, it's the guy's place the default destination. But we are friends, though we behave like old lovers: no drama, no sex. And I had that before, and I love how intimacy builds, but in the past we were making out. I get the "no sex" policy takes place, it happens, girls always need time and space, and I give plenty of that. But the no-kissing, that is just odd. 

Sex workers and rapists do not kiss. There's intimacy involved, but also the withheld of power by the woman by playing the sex card right. Of course, there's even a name for it: cock teasing. I'll articulate: if you don't like the guy, simply leave him, don't toy with him; date only those who you will like. A healthy ego I have, and you shouldn't settle for so little. I'm not asking for much, but even I had to endure the pity-pat (you know, when a girl pats you as in "There, there" kind of taking pity on you) and I stopped there right there. I love hugs, and she seems cold and distant. That's not my kind of people. Well, what to do? Look, she's not a Facebook person, doesn't post more than once a month, so why is she communicating over Facebook? Who cares, truth is girls behave irrationally all the time, I'm not perplexed, but she goes without answering a text and being nice enough to talk to me on Facebook. Then when I reply, she's gone. Okay, so she talks to me and then ignores me. What is a man to do? I deleted her off Facebook, blocked her. I won't delete her from my life but Facebook is something I do more often, with baby pics and comments etc. and I feel like I'm looking over my shoulder if I post more than a girl I'm seeing. Yeah, "Seeing" is the right term. We've gone all places, and it's been mostly fun; I just feel like there's something else going on. It's fine by me, we all lead busy and demanding lives, and you're only young and beautiful once, so I understand. What I do is, I limit my exposure, if I read things correctly I can move on, it's up to me to cut things neat and make the right move. 

It's not machismo, or sexism, it's not the end of the world either. I need to cut down on everything, and it's not like I spend any money on her. She doesn't owe me any of her time, is what I don't get. I enjoy her company, but she has some bad habits. There are some red flags I cannot possibly ignore. 

Sleep Awaits

I'm noble, something you don't see as you first meet me. I am also somewhat methodical. I keep testing what I know, learning everyday, so I'm not sure what I'm into now will be the same in a few days. We adapt as we go along, as in damage control, sometimes you pull out before it is too late. There is such a thing as too early, too. You don't walk into someone else's life and own it, you give what you seek for yourself: freedom of choice, plenty of space, no drama (excess anger, bickering, stuff women are normally known for, spineless guys too), unless your behavior merits some character. I try not to engage others when I'm angry, anid I'm never angry for long. Anger is something that builds, as a result of a stressful situation or an agitated imagination.

"I can't believe you could get mad over that" I tease a friend of mine over something that I didn't think was a problem. The problem cannot be without the mind. We fail to see that the turmoil a situation may arise in us should be grounds for us to process such possibility, or perception (of events, of people which can be so conflicted and self-serving), and it is like an alarm. It doesn't have to remind you of whatever worry or regret that crosses the mind. Extract yourself from the world around by making time to spend alone, through long walks, exercise, reading, meditation, and sometimes even engaging people. It's being now, and not thinking about what the weekend might bring; fun is all around, just have to be willing to change minds, it widens your horizons. 

Lately, I've limited the amount of fun. As a precaution, I may not go out because recently I stopped smoking cigarettes. I picked up smoking again (after quitting for seven years) for a few months, like five months. Cigarette addiction can be very costly in New York. That, and all the health issues surrounding it, it is never too early to quit, it's just a worthless gamble. I may have spent money I could have used otherwise, but at the time I was under a lot of stress and felt like being careless and unhealthy for a little while, misbehaving is always in my nature.
I like myself. I have a blast. No, it's not lonely, lonely people usually forget themselves. And not that we should just shy away from the world, no; we may engage other people, locally or on the net. Even when you're out there, you're out there in the Internet. Facebook is where we see what our friends and family are up to, I go there at least a few times daily. It is always good to see friends, though, not just use media to communicate. I am warm-blooded, need contact from time to time. Nothing will replace human contact. 

Now as far as Saturdays go, I retired them long ago. No need to go to overcrowded places, with tons of youngsters competing for the girls' attention and the girls go with their guard up, and you always end up spending so much and meeting some of the scariest people. It's good, I'm not being a hypocrite. But it gets tiring after a decade or so, you don't stop, just pace yourself. You become selective, if you do go out, you do so for a couple of hours, spend no more than certain amount, etc. It looks easy, but the reality is that if you know what you're doing, you don't have to be going out every weekend. You don't need to go out necessarily for that purpose when you do, and you'll attract people if you don't give off that creepy feeling that you lack something. I love going into crowded places, and just sit there minding my business, having my drink, not everything in life is about the girl. Of course, it's not like I can ignore them, believe me they'll show themselves in, they'll be somehow elbowing me at the bar, but only because I am not going to kiss her ass. Girls crave character and attitude in a man. A man who will not bow before her, stand his ground and qualifies her, punishes her bad behavior with aloofness, never lets her see you sweat. Anything she does or says is to see how you react. Your answer? Calmly call her on her bullshit, or just ignore her. Your choice, I'll probably go with the latter. Don't try to make her explain her behavior, just don't stand there taking a beating and don't argue over anything. Nothing is so serious that it'd have to be dealt with anger, best to let things slide and have some fun, relaxed tension and intense owe. Feel each other close, do good things for one another, forgive, forget, communicate and don't hold any grudges. 

We can relax in each others' presence, and if it gets too trying, then give it a rest and go back at it. We don't own one another, and we owe one another discretion. We're free to choose who we want to spend time with, so I ask only to know if plans are changed. Time is of essence, and though a bummer, I'll live, rather not die the slowest emotional death. When it comes to past lovers, I've made my peace, I keep up the good dad roll, I give plenty and receive almost as much, am always willing to work and I also like to take it easy. No need to complicate yourself, if something is dead, no reason to let it rot; bury it and that's that. 

If there's something, then pursue your heart, and see where it leads, be patient but not complacent, don't rush in but don't take forever either. I keep talking to myself, music is playing, drink awaits me. Look come back to these words later. 

(Ten minutes later)

At work, things will take place. I'll get my head around the FSD examination material and take the test in a few weeks. I'll have plenty of time to go travel to Michigan by the end of this year. I will travel early next year somewhere cool, somewhere I haven't been to, and take on new challenges, and continue to be smoke-free and exercise. Moving forward, plans that require execution will take front seat and decided not to go out anymore, for the time being. Besides, tomorrow I gotta get up early and I want to have a good night sleep. I love working weekends and have the amount of party-eligible nights be compromised, therefore I spend a whole lot less money and do stuff I really need to do throughout the week, including leisure: everyday make me-time. Part of our misery as human beings is that we don't get to enjoy ourselves. When you know just what to do on your own, you're never alone. Now it is nighttime. 

Have a drink or two, watch TV for half hour, and slowly sink into oblivion, sleep awaits. 

Love's Epiphany

As we waited for the E train on the platform, I looked at my oldest baby boy, Esteban, and saw that there was a little distance between us. I saw it, just like his mom has said, the neglect, the shame, the quiet desperation unraveling between us, like an invisible entity setting us apart. Therefore, I took the initiative to sit him closer to me, and be ever so much kinder and gentler towards him. It was as if I hadn't missed much again, as if just because of that gesture at closure I had recovered with one single slight of hand all of the time I had drifted away from him.

And so it hit me: my default mode is to run away from pain, I've done it all my life, and in the process I have sacrificed way too many precious things. It all stems from past ghosts, the yearning heart of a boy who spent his childhood dreaming of the day his own dad would show his face. Not that I expected him to come back, but at the very least appear like he had done once or twice in ten years. And the boy who’d spend time counting the days till being reunited with his mom, who could not have him because she wasn't financially fit to do so, meanwhile living under the roof of transient family members: ants, grandmothers, always women willing to do what women have always done best: nurture. In the end, mom did show and took me far away with her and my sisters, and we lived happily ever after since. She’s the unsung hero of this story, crazy as she can only be, I bet part of her sanity was lost in the wilderness of having to raise three children all on her on. That much at least I owe her.

And so I thought, what is it that keeps me always searching for safe haven and away from the challenges I must endure, if I am to thrive? Why run away now, when things seem slightly harder? It seems pointless to fear the skin of a beast you have already slain. Life, it is best to face and to find if the things we dared dream will come about, if we are to suffer let us do so by engaging in the very things that enthrall and fascinate us. Show your face around, like she has, and be willing to take the blow, if that’s what it takes. Happiness is not something that is given; you must grab the bull by its horns and bring it down, stare down the belly of the beast, show courage in every action taken. Fight for what you love, never stop dreaming and always take comfort in the fact you gave your all in this existential arena we call life.

I love my boy, and I will do more than I’ve been doing. You can only give up on things if love is depleted, so long as we are willing and able, we should do the decent thing of pushing forth. The child has inner world; the man looks outside of himself. We want to provide, we want to protect and we want to make god damn sure our efforts are met with the same passion and deliverance we instill them with.