Double-shift

It’s one thirty-nine in the morning. I agreed to stay a double-shift with the condition of having my Sunday off. To top it off, I went out last night and didn’t have much fun. I had a bit too much to drink, and spent a bit more than I should have. I slept only five hours and now I’m here, mumbling words that make a rare sense. I have crawled back to my womb, and while walking the floors of this labyrinth, I found myself afraid of the dark. I was falling asleep, as if from a cliff. It started raining, I just don’t know since when. The cars hiss by, and the raindrops hit the window pane, a deafening silence settles in. Should I tell the story of my adventurous night out? Well, it wasn’t adventurous at all. Tomorrow I had convened to see my biological father on line through webcam. I haven’t seen him in ages. Recently, I saw my mother along with my other sister, the middle-one. Now that I think about, I am making progress. But I must abandon certain madness before I want to embrace this new light. This is –perhaps, up to date, the worst blog entry made.

Daytime Creatures

I thought happy individuals lived in the daytime. They were day creatures, who rested full nights to embark in an adventurous productivity from early on. That is an alternative, and of course there are many ways, and not just a right and unique one, of living. But I was solely concerned with the habits, and we all know we are our habits. Wrong! We continue old or adopt new habits, like people who never smoked and started late in their lives or people who after half a lifetime of smoking cigarettes one day decide to quit for good, like my grandmother did. Therefore, our habits are formed only out of us constantly engaging in certain pattern of behavior. Just then a whole world of possibilities occurred to me. Could this very writing have consisted of any other words aside from these ones I now write and you will later read? Day creatures would gladly spend nights out dancing in the city. I could have written about another subject, and I know it would have been just as fun. That is only because I believe in depth of subject but also in an adventurous way of deliverance. It is only natural that there are many ways to be helped, to get better and move on with life. Sometimes a good advice, once followed, does the trick. Skeptics will discover magic. There are many bad books by great writers but there is always a great writer to a great written story. Naturally, pleasure abounds yet pain lingers around. I guess that if the world was to deliciously be divided there would be two sides to a same story: there are those who do more in fear of pain, like dependency in any aspect, stop pursuing their dreams, and those who are there to do more with less and to edify hope, for the acquisition of pleasure. Fear isn’t a negative force; it’s an ally. But we sure are endowed with the faculty of tolerating a rather significant amount of it in the short term in order to reach new highs in the long run. Arrogance will have us listen to the voices of hatred, to its many tongues and one message, the destroyer of clarity, the waste of energy and resources in such an unrewarding venture. Luckily, I am immune to several types of venom. And I am always there to vigorously help but not unconditionally. I want to see progress, and to ensure such, dependency must be overcome in time by any means necessary. Either the ones being assisted get back on their feet to miraculously start marching forward, or the assistance runs out. But kindness should never have an expiration date. Coexistence dictates that we are all in for the long run. So we might as well start now. Volunteer in modest but consistent amounts, expiate occasionally; venture out and mingle more often. Balance ourselves in the ambivalence of pleasure and pain… after all, they are so reciprocally intertwined that we don’t know where to stand. It’s okay to once in a while stumble. Beauty baffles reason. It’s only customary to bow in the presence of the queen, but only to gain her favors. Bow with grace and don’t be always so cordial. Life is much too complex to be embraced with an idea of it before experiencing your own. The more inclined you are towards your nature, the fuller you become. Since your nature is idyllic, be immaculate. Go on, explore.

I ran into a little problem with my sister the other night.

I ran into a little problem with my little sister the other evening. She became annoyed because I referred to her what our other middle sister had said to me, that she was still waiting for money that she owed her. Paola became instantly furious, saying that she bore the responsibility of her family in Colombia, and that meanwhile I was just having my fun. It was great therapy, I tell you. She is like a telenovela, with her repertoire of humiliations, so full of herself, so arrogant. She declared that I could go around saying that she threw me out of her house. I never had conceived of such an audacity and quite frankly passing off as the victim is not my thing. But more importantly, it's a drag. The relationship I thought we had was just a naïve dream. I thought she took me in because she loved me that we had a great time and that yes, she helped me, as I have helped her in the past. I paid my rent, and I tolerated very little. She denounces me as a crybaby who could say that was thrown out of the house. Why would I want to portray the image of a martyr, like my grandmother has under my aunt's rule? I was in a difficult position when I left but went there in good standing, at least economically; I became unemployeed later. I understand how difficult it is for adults to have one of their own without an income. But who hasn’t been in that position before? I came out of it as most people do sooner rather than later, and financially I am in a much better condition than I ever was before. She also mentioned passionately her attributes, loyalty to her family, perseverance, and denounced me as a hypocrite whose mask had fallen and shall fall also for others like my sister and mother once here. To the extent of hypocrisy, I have been tolerant of her presumptuous husband as much as he has been of me. Does that make us hypocritical? Perhaps, but if appearances are to be kept then at times I have been discreet. Given the absence of a father in her upbringing, she is used to mistreating men in her life, including her own. Her husband, by the way, didn't treat me inappropriately, in part because it’s not in his nature to displease his woman but more importantly still: I didn’t provide him with such an opportunity. True, I lived there for three months and a half, and the last one and a half for free. I am in debt to them and grateful as well for that period of shelter. But I kept my part: I was neat, orderly, and paid for my other needs. My sister claims she is a responsible person. Yet at the same time complains about having the bigger take in respect to our family, who, unlike of myself, expects her to. It’s not responsible to be entirely responsible for others, if that is what she pretends (which I doubt is true). And, in any respect, it’s sort of an exaggeration. She owes money to my sister in Colombia, which was the reason her arrogance was punctured and the whole argument started from. She has, I suppose, perhaps given more than me. But that doesn’t constitute responsibility when she has a home and family of her own to support, in fact she may be putting on top of her shoulders more responsibility than she is endowed, specially now that she is expecting. She has sadly chosen these responsibilities, and she has needless to say chosen poorly. She resents me for not having helped her in her time of need. She came abruptly to New York with her husband (I didn’t go to her house with my wife), and stayed with me in a little studio apartment with who was then my girlfriend and her son for a couple of weeks. Such a small place for four grown adults and a youngster, of course, would be grounds for trouble. She spent her economical resources in personal activities during this affair and was wasteful of my resources, using my phone line to call collect Colombia and the expenses were considerable (close to a hundred dollars). She also accuses me of taking her to restaurants to find a job as a waitress as if I had taken her to be prostituted. She said I had thrown out of my life, more or less, my aunt, her solid ally, my supposed nemesis. I imagine this is the part of the conversation in which my aunt will interrupt her and intensely gasp, “And, what did he say to you?” This is what I say to you.
Gossip is a way of bonding for this sick family. Now, I am told that my grandmother told my mother (doesn’t it sound so primitive to you, all of this display of dominance through verbal aggression. She clearly is sure of herself. I didn’t say such a thing to my grandmother. I simply said that I had my doubts my mother will come soon because it took a process. In reference to what I think of her actually coming here, I always said it was her choice. By her choice, I meant my mother’s. She will have the decision between staying here and going back to Colombia. My grandmother is just projecting her exaggerated emotions towards living in this country. Look, Paola is a little hardcore brat. But she is right in that sense. I shall help in whatever way I am able to so that the process of my mother getting here is facilitated. But it is not my main dish. I have other ambitions to fulfill, and Paola’s ambitions are her. She can only try to put pressure so that the picture she has of my mother living in the States comes to be. I also know she has put the effort to actually support the process both financially and emotionally. But I think is stupid of her to actually believe that I have no interest in it and yet go along with it at the same time.
I think we had our good and bad times, but I let the good ones prevail. I will avoid her from now on. I still have all of the clothes I owned before moving back here and my entire c.d. collection. In time, we’ll make peace but for now I am taking caution. She’s unruly and seems to have very little patience, characteristics of a broken home; I contribute to my mother and sister in Colombia but I do it at my own pace and convenience. I have not always contributed in the past. But in accordance with the individual I’ve become, I have consistently and throughout some time now given and intend to do so in the future. If I see it fit and as long as I consider it necessary, never straining myself in the process. Always with a sense of decency and pride to be able to do so. As of Paola, I made ammends to cut all interdependencies between us and excise some distance. She is pregnant and I don't want to cause her any woes. There's so much to be done.

I just might go home tonight

You know, I had fun that Saturday night, although I didn’t get to make out with a complete gorgeous stranger. It’s odd, though, because I danced with almost whatever female became available. I guess that had the reverse effect on me since women tend to like exclusiveness. I danced even with the gorgeous owner’s wife, who has always plenty on her hands to pay me any attention. Though she often does. I danced and had fun, didn’t get as wasted as usual, and that was that. Should I repeat the odyssey tonight? The weather, I was told by varied sources, was supposed to be colder than it actually is. Well, that usually translates into people getting the courage to step out of their way and venture out. Although this city does not easily succumb to boredom, there are indicative factors as to whether a particular night might prove better than another. I am completing my regular afternoon shift. It’s been an easy evening, and the night has befallen. What I really like about Kana is that more often than not I find a regular there, a girl I once met or a vast floor of possibilities. Whomever has been there knows that there is little space to breathe and the waiting line for the bathroom commonly interferes with the dancing crowd, and at times tension can surmount and things can get ugly, like that night in which I had the fist fight. Had I lost, I probably would have gone back to the place sooner. But since I was victorious, I refrained from going there out of caution. I met Maria that same night. I have observed that there are instances, which I mention as if they kept creeping in my mind. The reality is I take things a lot easier with the passage of time, specially when it comes to passion. If things are to be given in a particular circumstance, you should take initiative, and then they should happen rather effortlessly. To be quiet honest, I haven’t really tried. Nonetheless, I will persevere as soon as I feel it’s right and at my own leisure. Tonight, for instance, I just might end up going home.

Tonight I'm out

Tonight I’ll finally awake from my stupor and venture out. It’s a splendid night weather-wise, and the crowds as usual are storming the streets, the levels of testosterone are surging through my veins and I need to find relief to this ailment. Throughout the day, I felt sluggish and a nonstop stream of toxic ideas were circling in my mind. What with the abetment of resolution that normally takes over any negative agenda, I will step out of this skin and flow. Picture our moods like currents of water that emanate from our deepest desires: the one we are and the one we are becoming, and still the one we aspire to be, all come into conflict, so you listen for a while to the voices of doom, the naysayers. But it’s easy to blame the people in our lives, the circumstances we find ourselves under, the whether, etc. If we make an attempt to brake the rhythm to which we dance, and reinvent our way of dealing with pain and misfortune, by eliminating personal nuances and promoting still more healthy behaviors, then the balance will be in our favor. True, at times, we can’t help but to feel miserable. But that only should be momentarily. I tend to look for reasons beyond my psychological make-up, and for instance wonder if I ate something that might have had a bad effect on me. If I did, I would drink plenty of water, get a respite from toxic input, and find some use to the time I have. I think of a project in which to immerse myself. Go out. Try thinking the same thing on a completely different place, and your perspective might very well shift. Like currents, we tend to see the waves and rally against the idea of turbulent cycles. But if we remain calm for long enough, then the waters will settle and will become peaceful again. Then again you could just dance the night away with a gorgeous girl I haven't yet met. We'll see.

Tonight I'm out

Tonight I’ll finally awake from my stupor and venture out. It’s a splendid night whether-wise, and the crowds as usual are storming the streets, the levels of testosterone are surging through my veins and I need to find relief to this ailment. Throughout the day, I felt sluggish and a stream of toxic ideas circling, nonstop, without the due filtering process, in my mind. What with the abetment of resolution that normally takes over any negative agenda, I will step out of this skin and flow. Picture our moods like currents of water that emanate from our deepest desires: the one we are and the one we are becoming, and still the one we aspire to be, all come into conflict, so you listen for a while to the voices of doom, the naysayers. But it’s easy to blame the people in our lives, the circumstances we find ourselves under, the whether, etc. If we make an attempt to break the rhythm to which we dance, and reinvent our way of dealing with pain and misfortune, by eliminating personal nuances and promoting still more healthy behaviors, then the balance will be in our favor. True, at times, we can’t help but to feel miserable. But that only should be momentarily. I tend to look for reasons beyond my psychological make-up, and for instance wonder if I ate something that might have had a bad effect on me. If I did, I would drink plenty of water, get a respite from toxic input, and find some use to the time I have. I think of a project in which to immerse myself. Go out. Try thinking the same thing on a completely different place, and your perspective might very well shift. Like currents, we tend to see the waves and rally against the idea of turbulent cycles. But if we remain calm for long enough, and then the waters will calm and peace will settle in again. Then again you could just dance the night away with a gorgeous girl I haven't yet met. We'll see.

Don't panic yet!

Even if the Republican party, the conservatives, were to remain in power for the next one hundred years, I will still remain a democrat and a liberal. Now, if it goes beyond that, then perhaps I will in a position to reconsider. I don’t promise much.

Written way before Bush's reelection

Recently, society hasn’t take notice. We have gradually become more conservative, more hypocritical. This crisis is due to more than a single factor. One, it’s that we have inherited a time of technological prosperity, and we’re sort of trapped in an ambivalence, between freedom and security. (It’s worth noting that money behaves the same way; is it perhaps because we are money?) Two, women have become more economically independent; an aspect that has propelled her options and changed her position in the world; at the same time it redefined the gender roles and ultimately relationships. They are not difficult to start a relationship, they are liberated too, and they enjoy their new found freedom which increases their female mystique. But they are careful not to get tied down with a child, marry or inhabit without marriage for long or not use condoms for the first sexual encounters. But emotionally, women tend to aspire for prosperity in communion, partnered with a provider older than her; or a tall dark and handsome intelligent guy who is not completely broke and has an artistic knack; a leader of a masculine temperament; a great lover who understands her in body and mind, and the choices are rarely accessible on their own, not to mention combined. Usually a provider isn’t always a great lover, who understands her in body and mind, and a tall dark and handsome intelligent guy seems a bit narcissistic, and if he is not one to fool around behind her back then he is either gay or not manly enough. The idea that women are only interested in the size of our wallets is somewhat exaggerated. There are seven billion of us and But if they were to choose, they’d pick a bartender who is six feet tall, built and handsome, definitely not broke, over the boring out of shape balding doctor who seems so financially prosperous. The smart pretty ones will get their careers started off the bat, fool around and even fall madly enough with the looker but marry prestige. A beautiful woman has had the best and now it’s up to you to be up to the task. Here are several tricks that will put you ahead of the pack but won’t guarantee you pussy:
1) Appear marketable, independent and confident. If possible, active and involved in amazing projects or with connections, exaggerate a bit. Have your own car, your studio or roommate, but preferably live on your own.
2) Have a high hygiene, dress masculine and tasteful, and smell well.
3) Be courteous and gentlemanlike with a masculine tact.
4) Listen to her actively, ask for feedback. Relate to her stories but always pace and listen as if you were absorbed by her story, relate to her in a manly tone and attitude.
5) Let her do most of the talking, but laugh casually or use humorous remarks, if any. Too often we make the mistake of trying to remember all of these advices. We become tense and nervous. What we must bear in mind is that we must keep our cool and drop our anxiety, as if we were out with one of the boys instead of a date with a beauty queen.
6) Work out regularly, shower thoroughly, polish your nails, and wash your mouth.
7) Seem a bit disaffected, a little like nothing is good enough for you. But don’t be considered. The idea is to put forward an image of coolness, graveness, maturity. At least, at the beginning, it seems crucial. And even though it’s not supposed to last long (always bear this in mind), give it your all as if it were the only moment you will ever have. Take her to an exciting spot. Don’t overspend. But be a giver. Thank her for her time.
8) Be straightforward but above always show eternal patience and confidence. You don’t want to exhibit your hunger but you don’t want to starve only waiting either. There is plenty of fish in the sea. Besides, you’re there to have fun and fun doesn’t always mean sex. It’s better than being home watching cable. Some women require a little bit of time, and if you want her enough and think that it has a good chance to go somewhere, then give her the time. But be realistic and don’t hang out for too long. If you do decide to give her time in this time and date, don’t settle, keep moving and be on the lookout. Anyway, you have nothing to lose. Patience doesn’t mean inertia. You make other moves to keep the momentum going.
Smile and be grateful for what you had, and move on to the very next thing as soon as your plan is not coming along quite the way imagined. Above all, bear in mind that you are seeking happiness, and not pain. If there’s a little agony and fatigue, deal with it. Give space so that you can breathe. Open dialogues and leave some room. Remember, is a game of indifference the one that gets the attention. Don’t saturate others with your ever present disposition. Be unavailable, if you can afford it. When your interests are not put into a single effort, then your possibilities increase. But if you stumble upon someone worth a try, go ahead and lose your head cautiously. Feelings often make a mess and then your reason has to clean house. Feel, but feel good. Always find ways to inspire yourself, create a vision that only a dreamer wide awake could carry through.