Helicopter Baby!

The moment I walk into the door, I sense someone has been there. I look around and no immediate evidence appears, rooms' lights are off, things in disarray everywhere, then I spot the note on the counter: "I came back to get some things" it began, "I really hoped things would have been different" the atomic-bomb line followed, and then it further said... well, exactly what, I forget but it said something about a cry for help or to actually a reminder of seeking "professional" help, legal psychotropic substances, developing still depressive bouts, rash actions and such, not that I'm an angel but if you ask me, I think she came back to tease me and to mark her territory.
Right before I left, I logged out of Facebook and Google Plus, I've gotten smarter. Just out of precaution because her search may have found the place a mess, after all just a few dirty dishes and some leftovers from a family reunion on Sunday. She could come over here anytime she wants and she's not gonna find anything. But I am making space and not demanding, like she demanded, anything from her. As long as she kept sending me a few pics (which she has, daily, until today) and video clips (which she hasn't except maybe once), and I live for those. I want her to know and let everyone know that whatever personal belonging she has to retrieve, she's welcome to. This is one thing you don't have to hide for. I just learned of the note not too long ago, and so what is the need to "push" the get-help agenda (it literally means, get treated for depression through psychological intervention and antidepressants, preferably the latter. Of course, they've worked "wonders" for her. I said, time and again, "Thanks but no thanks."

I stay away from many embarrassing details but it's not like I shy away, it's more that it lost its urgency, it' no longer about dropping by unannounced and leave a childish note on the table, get some of your stuff and in vain (I imagine, you tried looking for a suspicious third party evidence of some kind) you attempted (what scorned woman wouldn't?) to see my emails, Facebook, Google Plus. All of which I just had closed, like my bank account debit card, everything has shifted and changed, not radically and never out of spite. Of course, some anger guided us here, and there's a lot of misunderstood issues; love puzzles that I'd love to solve. But when or where, when I tried she'd hang up the phone and deploy her Republican negotiating tactics. She'd demand ten times more than she was willing to concede. What did she concede? A possible return? A weekend here with me showering them around, because I don't think the crime I have "committed" is big enough that she'd deny me an explanation, show up just the way she left and leave me such a little note on top of a bunch of divorce papers.  This is hilarious.

I had actually looked for those papers about a week ago. Negotiations went nowhere and since I had so suddenly lost too many things at once, at work and in my personal life, I had to give up Julian for the moment being. See, thing is, and I say it again: I was never opposed to her spending time with her family. The way things escalate to there is because she needs some sort of dramatic pull in order to push forward with ideas that she could have resolved without confrontation. Confrontation is for when everything else has failed; she tries nothing more than being this obnoxious person who wants to just do away with everything you held dear, all because you dare love her. It's like, she had to find a reason to find me guilty of something grave enough to justify taking a plane and not even giving me a call to let me not. But a text. A text! What are we, ten years old?

Of course, it's been like dealing with a child. I told her, I didn't like the idea of our kid bearing her last name. What kind of woman does something like that? That is rare, you don't see that very often. Of course, we did all of this divorce paperwork for nothing since I know now I won't divorce and give away what Isabelle is willing to do, file jointly and take her cut, no crap about me and my son, cool and all. No matter how horrible she's been, verbally abusive and overwhelmed by anger, she's been a noble person most of the time. She's not an angel by any means, but she's got a lot on her plate and this is just about simple economics: if we file jointly, it's twice as much and so long as we don't see a reason to divorce, then so be it. Connie is welcome to get her stuff, to talk if she's willing, but I am moving forward toward. If I fail at work, I will possibly lose my job, so I need to focus and apply myself. Then, and only then, I shall attend to all other affairs. I hope she stays with her mom in Michigan and don't bring the baby into the unnecessary drama in our relationship. Of course, I've suffered, and I realized I was blinded by love. A raw emotion that can impair your judgment.

As of Julian, only I (without God, without Love, without Mother) know how much I've suffered. Yeah, I lashed out indiscriminately out of despair and pain, it's what animals do when wounded. Of course, things could have been better, if only you took a different path; maybe we could have been two against the world, and not everyone you know and me. I've briefly talked to Alan of it, and he bluntly asked: "So let me get this straight: the reason she started all this is because she things you're gay?!" Not the only reason, to be fair. I kind of push her away with my actions. She took bait.
I know, it sounds bad but we were at each other's throats and I knew all she needed was an excuse. This way she could find it easy and remorseless. Of course, I've been a bit careless with the dishes, with the toilet seat up and I intend to just let go of all little by little.

How do I deal with pain? I turn to Buddhism. It teaches, "Life is pain." What you want to do is, minimize the amount of pain suffered. There are actions you take to achieve this. In Buddhism, it says that the reason you suffer is because you have wants and needs. If your need is satisfied, then you move towards your wants, and if you don't get what you want, you suffer. Therefore, you need to give up suffering. And by giving up what hurts you, you eliminate the pain. By letting go, and by never doing so regret and always grateful. Yeah, I know I may have said an obscenity and curse you out but what it's what people do under circumstances, like when you're being raped or robbed, when someone screws with you and you say, "Fuck this." You get angry, that's how losers deal with things. The right thing to do is, let me be with my dignity. That's all. No reason to barge in here and try to stir things that are now dried cement. A pavement that was wet and you put your hands on top, and I loved how you did love me before, and how you treated me. For whatever the reason, maybe you're going through a postpartum depression or maybe you're just fed up with the way things are and want to punish me. Well, you succeeded in making me not give a crap about anything else right now but me. Because if I fail, a lot of things are on my back, including Julian and I am not about to miss that target because you decide to drop out of nowhere and kind of hint a divorce. And yeah, all of those things I wanted but now I'm not so sure; see, for one you're just starting a life with me and this is how you show your colors. It's not that it's horrible; but it's pretty bad and I'd be fucking stupid to let those things slide. Of course, I'm putting the last nails on the coffin just yet but what is the need to let something rot? If it's dead, bury it, because otherwise it's gonna really stink.
The mere fact that you denied me even sending me pics initially and demanded that I'd finalize the divorce and seek antidepressant treatment before you'd even let me see him again, and the fact that if it wasn't for the fact that I have oh so very much to do, I probably would've ran and do those and whatever other things, just to see you and my son again. But then I saw things clearer: it was you who didn't want to see me, for some reason you decided to "hit me with your best shot." It was so big that it devastated me and it made me realize how much you really despise me. Ask everyone and they'd tell you how highly I speak of you, even though you have your alcoholic bliss and your insecurity issues, your lack of refinement: you don't read and everyone at the last party agreed you have horrible taste in curtains. But I saw only the good in you, and that's what shone. With me you did and so much more than ever before and we would've had a whole lot more, had you just been a little more gracious. You know it's unmanly to just walk out on a girl and argue whatever reason, but you know what? In this case, I'd run the risk of people's disdain and you can blame me and name all the reasons why we didn't soar. Look, the thing is, I am not interested in a relationship with you right now, maybe much later we can work our differences and make up, or not. Either way, I'm not holding my breath.

Give Julian a kiss for me. Two kisses. Find time to let me see him on Skype or Tango. I will send you videos of me so that he doesn't forget me; I want to do helicopter baby. I want to hold him and stare into his eyes. Give Julian the certainty that I will love him and that he is in my mind all the time. Tell him I miss him. Tell him that I will see him soon but never soon enough. Tell him I'm crying for him, and I love him and tell him it's not all about me or you anymore; it's not about us; it's only about him. This sacrifice is for him because I know he's happy. But I live every passing day with the dream that I'd see him and I know I will; something deep inside me broke and it shattered something I held sacred into pieces. I already forgave you for all the bad, and I will miss all of the good; but please continue. I would love to see where you from here.