I think, what I wanted to say is, I'm not gonna kiss your ass so that you send me a few baby pictures, every now and then, or compromise my terms. The worst thing you can do is chase after a girl who has abandoned you, whatever her reasons are; I say this without remorse or anger, it's what I think is true. Of course, you can't escape emotions, so the thing is, whatever the reason may be, if it makes her happy, who am I to stop her. That was my idea anyway, and I did kind of disengaged from her because my focus was on the baby, maybe I was a little hard on her. But taking the baby all of a sudden, without a word or a hand-written note, like the one she left when she entered the apartment when I was at work because I might attack her.
You know, she can't go without that dramatic effect. Of course, it's not that she fears me, this happened before when she just decided to make a fight with me, arguing her right to talk to her exes and get home hours after she had said she'd be. She could have been cute and say, "Hey, baby, I lost track of the time." No, instead she fights back, gets aggressive: she's drunk. She's no longer apologetic and passive, asking permission to go to the bar. Do as you please, and maybe all of this pleasing attitude and wussy-ass lack of character probably sickened her. See, fathers always experience a drop in testosterone levels, this in turn makes them more emotional, and this is known as the male's version of postpartum. It's possible she's allergic to her antidepressant or maybe she shouldn't drink when she's taking her medicine. Or maybe a little alcohol is part of the medicine, what she should be treated for is alcoholism. It's not full-blown alcoholism, but a form of alcohol abuse, like binge drinking. Say, I love to have a beer or two at home after a long day, just to take off the edge; if there're people drinking with me, I may go for a few more beers, but after the fifth beer I'm good. I've been drunk; I just don't drink to get drunk, I know when to stop. Of course, I don't think it's something that they do because they're bad people, but I think they feel bad because they do it. The feeling must have its rewards, because they again go and do it, and again. We all have our vices, no one is a saint; I couldn't cast the first stone, If people want to drink, who am I to tell them otherwise? Except with a baby, and having lived and loved my boy who suffers from autism, I'm overprotective but since I'm working, I know it can be a burden... You'll have to be selfish to see your loved ones happy where they are now, and not feel happy for them; I will miss him and love him, and will see him soon but not soon enough. She'd be cold to my advances, and I know we've moved apart. But that's no reason to make her my enemy, or despise her somehow. She still is the mother of my child, and I will have to deal her for a long time. So, I try to make it easy and not call as often as I used to, she never calls and doesn't respond to questions, demands things like therapy that will take a long time, divorce, and all for what? What is the reward? She knows without her economic muscle, it'd take me sometime before I get those things done. I'm not so sure anymore; times are hard and the only reason I kept married to my ex is because of the tax breaks of filing jointly. She knows about this, she filed the taxes and the fact is, I don't know if there's ever gonna be a second chance, just don't see the way we could work as a couple. If she's as irrational as she is, now that we're not even married, what is left when she has marital jurisdiction? She could claim Julian and they could live happy for now over there. I'm in no rush, and the more time, the better and the more we get used to this new role. It's challenging but then again, what isn't? Even bums have to work and that really is some shitty job if you ask me.
The way I see it is, I need to focus and continue to study as I have, write, rehearse in my mind, read, pay more attention. It was a good day, warm, sunny throughout the day and then sporadic showers throughout the evening.
By the time I left work, the rain had stopped. I walked from Pfizer to Bryant Park. Then I took the Queens bound F train to Kew Gardens, had two glasses and a half of wine, and just watched TV. I smoked a cigar. It's classy and it has a less inviting scent.
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