Growing up in the States you'd notice that the popular kids were not the brightest, sometimes they were downright stupid. The book-smart kind, considered nerds, were just shy, studious kids with strict parents who not always grew up to be our bosses. Some of that idiocy lives on because a small fraction of those who gotten to the top, whether it is through sports, politics, business, etc., got there not on based of how many books they had read. Sure, they weren't the brightest in science, but who cares if they could rap and have ambition in their eyes. This culture doesn't grant a prize to the intellectual kind, or to the athletic kind, if that individual doesn't strive to get somewhere, his talents may just go to waste. Here, without an actual college degree, I thrive; nothing luxurious, and I'm not deprived. And yeah, my brain had something to do with it. But success is actually like a religion. If you have faith, that in and of itself can move a mountain.
Shy people are often introspective, reserved, cautious. In time, shyness goes away, in degrees. Some of us, overdo it, went from extreme to extreme: from the most pathological shyness to being almost a natural. Sure, still not fully evolved, as it never ends, evolution goes on. I remember being so shy that a pretty girl had to chase me around; I'd see her come down the hall and make a left to take the stairs one floor up. She'd be persistent and would not let my timidity sour the deal: she'd call me and tell my cousin to tell me to have the balls and come to the phone. We cut classes and spent it sitting in an empty auditorium. I think she expected me to behave like a typical horn-bag teenager, and make a move. But I was too involved with how I felt about it, inexperience I guess. From there, I remember having a crush on a girl who out of nowhere, in the middle of an indifferent roaring crowd of high school students going to their next period class, if I wanted to dance with her. She said something else after that, but I was so shocked. We had seen each other at the library and, of course, she made the first move and went to my table to friendly ask if I was in her A.P. Spanish class. We had that class together, and I remember the first time I saw her: her Gothic clothing, her dark mascara and high heels made me think she was up to no good. She was like the devil, and I was such a good Christian boy. But that afternoon in the library, I changed my mind. She was warm and friendly, instead of conceited and vain. And I didn't hear anything else from her, except whenever I saw her in class, she'd always say with a wink of an eye. That killed me, I was a teenager raging with hormonal dynamite, and she was liquid fire. I think she saw the lion even in that most deplorable state of passivity.
You want to go for what you like, say something outrageous, do something completely unpredictable, never let them fall asleep around you. Well, at least when you're not taken and have two kids, that's how things are always fun. Nothing too heavy, and nothing too soft; the right amount of aggressiveness will not be insistent but persistent; anticipate moves, get out while you're still alive, and prepare for what's ahead. Anyway, I guess my thing back then was inexperience, lack of knowledge, strategy, and the right role models. All I had seen was my mom up until I left for the States, and she hardly let me set foot outside the house unless it was to run errands. Masculinity was something I earned later on when I struggled to understand why is it that women are the way they are.
Let me ruin the story for you: I never did. But I did find that it wasn't necessary to. See, we're goal-oriented and we want to move from point A to point B in as few moves as possible. That's why we look at body parts, and it has nothing to do with anything that is gender-based; it's more about polarities: the masculine and the feminine. Of course, men tend to be dominant, and women tend to be more passive; they embody both, the masculine and the feminine, but one overrides the other. That's why when a feminine girl comes across a wimp, she doesn't waste time and brings the dominant part of her personality, saving her time, it's time management. Get rid of the ones that will not fight for you. A girl knows it is best to be next to a strong man, but if he exhibits that strength on his character, even better. Shyness is a thief, I said long ago; and when I went through high school without asking my crush out, it exposed just how insecure I was. That is not an attractive trait; we like bold people, those who are willing and daring. Ah, how I'd love to take matters into my hands, if I could only go into the past when that New Jersey girl, captain at her college of the basketball team, who'd meet me every Thursday at the World Trade Center. We'd smoke DJ Rums clove cigarettes, and go for walks, breakfast, sample music at the Boarders library, and we did having something more than an affair. It was that I loved the other girl I was with more, so I eventually went back to my girl, but by then it was too late, too much had happened, too deep the wound, best to sever whatever tied us to the past and move on. So, yeah, eventually I got better, and better. And I'd probably continue to do so.
In high school, it also was the fact that I was learning a whole new world, with its own language and culture, and it didn't really help to be immersed into all that and come from so little. How the school seemed like a presidential palace, how we'd get around in car and took the bus to high school every morning. We didn't have anything in abundance, but we had enough to get by; but where I came from, there was always a lack, an economic instability that really took a toll on you. And to think that there were others who had (and have) so much less than us, even around us, and even back then. You don't have to go too far to know that poverty may be knocking at your door somehow, someway, you put a wall here and creeps up the other way. Best to get rid up to the point where only the essentials matter: I will get rid of my cellphone, I don't use it, and I'll keep my number with Google Voice. Instead of paying $47.50 a month for a phone with a crappy Internet signal, I pay $49.99 (taxes included) to Clear and have a hotspot on the go, use it home and take it with me in my bag. I can connect my actual phone with Google Voice and save tons of money. Or, better yet, use that money to pay Clear which gives me (they claim eight) enough to have a couple of devices, like a phone or a tablet, I'm gonna buy a bicycle and bike every day to work. We all have to budget: I'll save a ton of money on train rides which skyrocketed this past season. Even if I bike three times a week, or just once in a while, it's good exercise and it opens your visual horizons. How fun to cross the bridge into Manhattan, the fresh air, the people along the way, oh the way you feel.
So I sense she gets easily irritated with me and shuts off video in the middle of the conversation. Then a few minutes later texts me that she'll call me later and then later tell me she's going to bed. You know, the sort of thing expect from a teenager, so no I don't tell her anything, I go along because she needs space, and I got plenty of that. I don't sweat her, but I do look for her and I engage her every chance I get. I'm not a kid, so I tell her how I feel about all this and she's starting to come around. But then she just says, she's staying there, studying, and who can't deny her the possibility of going back to school, going back to work. She could earn a higher living for Julian and she still could get wasted with her family every other day, she seemed tipsy, I wouldn't be surprised if she told me she was doing her paper, but maybe she was really drinking. Or not. She did sound like she had a few drinks, but I wouldn't press her over it. Somehow she's convinced herself that I have something against her enjoying her drink.
So it's best not to take anything for granted and work hard to keep and build on what you already have, save for later and live within your means. Who does anyway? We all know that the shit could go down any minute, in the world we live best if we take time for ourselves, so I applaud Connie for taking the bold step she took and be with the baby over there. I'd be sweeter to her and treat her nice, she's under a lot of stress, and I've been projecting this the wrong way. I need to protect her if I want to protect my son. You can't possibly destroy one and not the othe. I will see them soon, stay with them over a long weekend, call Monday off or take a personal day.
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