Memory sucks

Arbitrary measures were taken. This story is pure fiction. The characters, though based on real ones, have been conceived of by the author. It is a version of thousands in my mind. In fact, in some respects, I see these pages as something already tried. Let’s g. Everything is fiction: nonfiction, too. If you see yourself portrayed somewhere along these lines, feel free to jump ahead.
Oh, yeah. I thought about writing down some instances taking place between this particular girl at work and me. I remember it started more than three years ago. It was around that time that I had began to ignore girls, as a strategy. I had decided to ignore them all completely. I remember the idea was to go around for a month without looking at any girl’s body part. Show complete indifference. Be capable of living without them. I was into something here.
Therefore, it must have been her who first noticed me. I noticed her back when she literally jumped when I stood close to her. “Is that so?” I remember thinking. Right there and then, she began to exist. Coming back from the self-imposed period of celibacy like someone snapping out of a spell, to find that sweet face, filled with emotion, almost impulsive. I could sense she may have seemed very sure of herself (and she probably is), but in this arena the excitement for her is to play the purest form of girl game. She’d ignore me, I guess so I could get it into my head that what had happened had been nothing more than mere coincidence. She played ridiculously hard to get. She played so well, I almost fell for it. So, I did what any normal guy would have done. I completely ignore her and then make a sudden move, as if I were to take some unpredictable action, and she’d second it. It became part of our ritual to see one another daily at certain spots without every crossing a single word.
Among the so many moments shared, memory being not so much selective as it is decaying, little survives. Maybe I’ll ask her to complete the list.



MOMENTS:
I WAS ONCE AT THE DELI OF THE CORNER STORE WHICH IS NOWADAYS REPLACED BY CHASE BANK AND YOU HAD ORDERED BREAKFAST. THE MAN ASKED ME WHAT I WANT. I SEEMED DISTRACTED, SO YOU CAME TO THE RESCUE AND ASKED: “EXCUSE ME, SIR...” AND BEFORE YOU EVEN FINISHED, I INTERRUPTED YOU, IGNORING YOU COMPLETELY AND TURNING TOWARDS THE MAN: “I’M NOT READY YET” I TOLD HIM.

WHAT A JERK.

THERE WAS THIS TIME SHE WAS COMING TOWARDS ME AND I TURNED AROUND AND LOOKED AT MYSELF IN THE GLASS, BLUNTLY IGNORING HER. SHE SLAPPED HER I.D. CARD ON THE READER AND LEFT FURIOUS.

WHAT A JERK.

I REMEMBER ONCE UPON ENTERING THE BUILDING ONE COLD MORNING, YOU STOPPED TO GET YOUR I.D. OUT AND I PASSED YOU BY, BRUSHING YOU OFF AS I PASSED, I BUMPED INTO YOU AND KEPT ON WALKING. YOU DIDN’T COMPLAIN; DIDN’T EVEN UTTERED A WORD. OF COURSE, IT WASN’T ILL-INTENDED, JUST A PHYSICALITY, A PLAYFUL AGGRESSION THING. A COMPLETE STRANGER WOULD HAVE BEEN INSULTED, BUT SINCE THERE IS THIS WORLD COMPLETELY OUR OWN.

LIKE THE TIME YOU CAME BACK AND AS I SAW YOU COMING DOWN THE HALL, I WALKED TOWARDS YOU. YOU IGNORED ME COMPLETELY, AS NOW THE TABLES HAD INVERSED, AND I TOUCHED YOUR HAND WITH MY HAND IN A FIST, SOFTLY, AS YOU PASSED BY.

WANTING TO SHOW HOW MUCH OF A PLAYER YOU REALLY ARE, ONCE YOU CAME BACK FROM YOUR ALMOST TWO YEAR ABSENCE, YOU WANTED TO PUNISH ME SOMEHOW. I DIDN’T SEE THESE MOVES. WE HAD BOTH EVOLVED. SO, WHAT I DID WAS, I TALKED TO YOU. YOU SPILLED YOUR COFFEE. TWICE. I STOOD THERE WITH THE SIDE DOOR OPEN BUT YOU HAD YOUR HEAD LOWERED, AND CONTINUED TO GO THROUGH THE REVOLVING DOORS WITHOUT UTTERING AS MUCH AS A WORD. JUST AS YOU WERE THERE, I CALLED YOU BACK. “COME THROUGH HERE” I SAID TO YOU. YOU STOPPED. TURNED AROUND. CAME BACK TO ME, AND I GUIDED YOU IN. THEN, AS YOU WALKED AWAY, I STUTTERED. WHAT I WANTED TO SAY WAS, “EXCUSE ME, MISS. I STILL NEED TO SEE SOME I.D.” INSTEAD, I SAID SOMETHING LIKE: “EXCUSE ME, SEE STILL I.D. NEED TO.” SHE COMPLIED, STILL UNDER THE SPELL, I WENT UP TO HER AND HELD HER I.D. ON ONE SIDE, TO SEE HER NAME. SHE WENT ON, SAYING “THANK YOU” IN A GORGEOUSLY GIRLY TONE. IF I COULD RELIVE THE SCENE, I’D NOT ONLY SPEAK FLUENTLY, JUST LIKE I DID A WEEK LATER... I’D BE MORE IN CONTROL. I TEASE HER. SHE FREAKS. LATELY, SHE’S BECOMING A BIT ACCUSTOMED TO ME. I REBELLED AGAINST IT. I REFUSE TO GIVE IN COMPLETELY. IT’S BEEN THIS SILLY GAME FOR YEARS.


ABOUT A FEW MINUTES FROM GOING TO LUNCH, I SEE HER PASS ME ON HER WAY TO THE SECOND FLOOR. ONCE THE CO-WORKER I RELIEVED COMES BACK, I GO TO THE SECOND FLOOR AND TAKE FOOD IN A PATTERN THAT ESTABLISHES A SENSE OF COMPETITION. SHE FOLLOWS. SHE TAKES ONE SIDE OF THE COUNTERS. I TAKE THE OTHER. WE BOTH GET TO THE FINISH LINE. I CROSSED YOUR PATH. AND THERE YOU WERE, THINKING I WAS GOING TO BE A GENTLEMAN.

Haré ejercicios, dejaré de festejar todas las noches, dormiré mejor (en la sala, un mínimo de ocho horas sin bebé que me despierte por la noche), y dejaré todo preparado la noche anterior para por la mañana tener la comida lista para llevar con los ingredientes de un desayuno). Los días que no lleve comida, dos por semana, saldré más temprano y trotaré desde la 86 hasta donde trabajo, con el tiempo suficiente para desayunar en la cafetería. Desayunaré un jugo de frutas naturales con una tostada de pan integral y almorzaré carne blanca con vegetales. Dejaré la manía de la oreja, alzaré pesas y haré media hora de ejercicios en el gimnasio al que me inscribiré mañana por la tarde. Caminaré desde el parque donde se encuentra dicho gimnasio a la casa, unas veinte cuadras. Incluiré más vegetales y frutas a la dieta de todos en casa. Trabajaré un promedio de dos horas extras a la semana. Sacaré el pasaporte. Haré las diligencias para sacar el certificado de FSD. Iré a Colombia antes de fin de año por dos semanas. Me haré otro trabajo dental, ya sea en Colombia o acá en Nueva York.

To Be Continued...

Often the poorer the character, the more emotional, the less centered it appears. You see them, on your way to work begging and even crying uncontrollably to get on your most sympathetic side, perhaps stirring that good old Christian guilt. Except downtown Manhattan, you may have seen a homeless man with a sign that reads something to the following effect: "Give me money. I swear to God I will only use it for booze and drugs." To that man, I give. Twice I’ve seen him at different stages throughout my nightlife, and in those rare occasions I congratulate him for his creativity with the proper limosna (alms). Who cares what they will use your money for? The feeling you get from reaching out outweighs any plausible rationale attesting to the contrary. You can make sense of being cheap. But you’re still cheap. So, do give. Not just to homeless people, invite friends over, go out, plan a no-reason party, schedule a three day getaway, take a cruise... give to those around you, starting by you. Altruism is a purer form of narcissism. We’re all in it for the vanity, baby. Soon, we’ll get that tax money. I’ll make one third more than today in less than a year. My salary will increase in more than 20 percent. I will surely take a two-week long vacation in Barranquilla by the end of the year. I will take a three day cruise and spend another few days in Miami with Isabel. I haven’t seen any girl formally, I’ve flirted madly, even made out with a different girl three weeks in a row on the same joint. But that’s way low key to me. I’ve lived enough this past summer; to be more precise, dating from April to August. I took lust out of my system by moving out on my own for good four months. To be more exact from April 4th to August 4th, just like I planned it.
I went to live in Astoria. Oh, yeah. Nowadays, what I live daily vastly outdoes what I put to writing. It wasn’t always like that. In my twenties, I was more a writer than a man. Not having a father figure in my life obscured my masculinity for a while. I didn’t have a good start. Eventually landing on your fours with all the odds set dead against you from the start truly brings out the optimist in you. People will scrutinize you one way or the other. In a land as prolific as ours, there are no real boundaries, just mental scenarios, personal obstacles, individual demons, phobias, etc. Once you learn to get over yourself, unsaid amounts of joy will come through. Instead of fearing outcomes, take risks, jump with one foot back on security and the other crossing over to freedom. Do have an income but also devise other means of income. Even if you fail, try again and again. See what could have failed, fix it and then make it better. Keep at it. Failure will teach you far more than success. In fact, success often comes after a succession of failed attempts.
Oh, right.
You guys (that includes the ladies) want me to tell about my adventures in Queens. That will be another story. Not tonight. However, I'll tell only because I trust each and everyone of you reading this blog not to tell Isabel the truth. It was not cheating. I haven't technically cheated on her in almost three years. It all makes sense in my head. Anyway, this story is to be continued...

whatever

Don't fight them. Just be unaffected by their unsteady rhythms, keep true to your goals and share little of them for now. Go back to club promoting, and launch your writing career from there. At least, it'd provide you with another platform. Couldn’t hurt, right? This guy at work whom I hanged out for a while, it was pure fun, adrenaline, girls, guy stuff. Jealousies arose among the guys, every single night I outdid them. I’d go in there and roam around the bar, maybe staying ten minutes at a time on three strategic places afar from one another in the bar. I’d interact casually with the girls, sometimes I’d be approached by them. I guess I was a bit unconcerned, somewhat careless. I wasn’t there to find a girl; I wouldn’t hide or pretend or seem eager, take off the pressure of the “come ons”. Guys don’t have to necessarily mention that they are only interested in one thing: they telegraph it from miles away. Women read us so well. How we truly feel, whether it is uncomfortable or completely safe in our own skins, is what we give off and women pick on it naturally. Their sense of intuition is far more complex and rich than yours. It can be said that girls do have superpowers. So, get rid of all technique, drop the pretense and give her that sly smile. Whatever you do will be enough just as long as it comes from the heart and has a degree of balls in the equation. Be direct; be indirect. Don’t fall for the predictability of a single way of doing things. Everyone loves spontaneity, the nonchalant attitude, the sympathetic ego, respect and give a little bit of you at a time. Don’t boast; don’t brag. Remember the saying, Tell me what you brag about and I’ll tell you what you lack. Let your actions speak volumes of you. Let them talk good or bad about you, it’s just a reflection of who they are. We treat others the way we feel. If you feel like shit, we shit on others. So let others shit in peace. Don’t get in their way, complaining about the smell of being misunderstood. Just walk away and smile. Focus now, what do we need in order to make it to the next level. Well, I need to be ten times a better employee now. It is a challenge, so get to work earlier, look sharper and neater in every possible way, be very clean, wake up earlier. In fact, maybe get there forty minutes to the hour. Change, for the better. Jog from 86th street to work two mornings a week. Take food the other three days off jogging from home. Our goal is to one day, before the year ends, I jog all the way from 125th street to work. I’d get in extraordinary shape. I’d rid of the dreamgirl complex. Move the tribe out of this jungle. We’ll buy that one hundred thousand dollar apartment in Dominican Republic. We’ll be good.

2008 WISH LIST

1) Give down payment for property in Santo Domingo
2) Travel on a cruise with Isabel and visit Paola in Miami for a few days
3) Stop compulsive behavior with the ear
4) Regain my ideal weight
5) Move out of the Bronx
6) Go back to college
7) Quit smoking
8) Launch my writing career
9) Complete dental work
10) Invest and safe more money


#1. The ambition of owning a property in Santo Domingo still lingers. Though I've heard from several friends that is not a good idea, an investment in real estate is always a good idea. Besides, it's not like we're breaking the bank! It'd be nice to have a place to go back in the island, where we can kick back in comfort.

#2. It's something I've talked with Paola as optional, since my intentions were to go back to Colombia for my sister's wedding. But since my sister decided not to tie the knot just yet, I might relax instead in Miami for whole week: spend three days with my little sis Paola and mom, and then sail for four days or so on the ocean.

#3. That's easy. I've done it before and I'll do it again. This time, I know it'll stick.

#4. It would imply working out regularly, implementing new routines such as jogging, etc. I can feel the envy generated by weight loss, the look in the eyes of those who gradually sink deeper and deeper into fatland.

#5. Oh, yes. Enough is enough. The other night my friend Michael and I took a trip to the neighborhood deli and saw a freak show that convinced me: this is not the best place to raise healthy children. New Jersey, here we come!

#6. Among some of the longings and desires talked over with Michael, I confided him my great shame, while endowed with great wit and talent, I have been wasteful. It is, yes, shameful to be so God-damn smart and not much to show for. Education will grant me that satisfaction and fill the void that's been eating me up slowly inside year, after year, after year.