Meditation Next

I love meditation... I also love sex but since that hasn't been possible and I've been with someone who'd get off the phone or stop video chatting even though that is all you get. I mean, it's bad enough that you're miles away from each other, now a few minutes a week seem like too much and no matter what you say, the face is always long and the temper is sort. And when you lack sex, you get more aggressive, bolder, and you need to rid of that sexual tension somehow.
Which brings me to... Okay, I understand you want to project the strong type while living at your mom's place, and have all the space and the family support and the attention you get from branding me as the bad guy. Well, yeah, I've been moody, and now I got to enjoy time alone, I never resent it solitude for you should be your best company, otherwise you spend too much money at the bar. I like to go out and work here and see my son Esteban and have plans to see Julian soon, and I'm glad she's a lot better but can we start treating each other with decency? Look, indicency has its charm.
I also love to do what Woody Allen described as "making love to someone you care for" or, better yet, what Kevin Spacey called: "Saying hi to my little monster." Masturbation, that is. Of course, the problem is simple: I've been wining and pleading, almost begging which isn't my style, all because of lower levels of testosterone, so the chemical answer seemed to be hit the gym, exercise, meditate fully... now that you have space and time. Enjoy your new-found freedom... As a man, I should be able to love my son without making myself miserable for the fact that he's not physically here with me; fight for him without assuming defeat and imploring mercy, instead show your face and voice from time to time, give her space and don't reassure her that you're here for her. She'll sense that in the most subtle of gestures. I don't want to harvest any bad feelings, but I'm not planting anymore seeds of hope. I think that there's a healthy balance in pursuing things, not clinging to the past, moving forward, sentimental egos aside. When you love someone, you let them be. Give them the same amount of freedom you want. You can use the spare energy on more ambitious goals, reinvent yourself, work harder, keep up the good work. Meditate. 

The Cool Spectrum

Growing up in the States you'd notice that the popular kids were not the brightest, sometimes they were downright stupid. The book-smart kind, considered nerds, were just shy, studious kids with strict parents who not always grew up to be our bosses. Some of that idiocy lives on because a small fraction of those who gotten to the top, whether it is through sports, politics, business, etc., got there not on based of how many books they had read. Sure, they weren't the brightest in science, but who cares if they could rap and have ambition in their eyes. This culture doesn't grant a prize to the intellectual kind, or to the athletic kind, if that individual doesn't strive to get somewhere, his talents may just go to waste. Here, without an actual college degree, I thrive; nothing luxurious, and I'm not deprived. And yeah, my brain had something to do with it. But success is actually like a religion. If you have faith, that in and of itself can move a mountain.  

Shy people are often introspective, reserved, cautious. In time, shyness goes away, in degrees. Some of us, overdo it, went from extreme to extreme: from the most pathological shyness to being almost a natural. Sure, still not fully evolved, as it never ends, evolution goes on. I remember being so shy that a pretty girl had to chase me around; I'd see her come down the hall and make a left to take the stairs one floor up. She'd be persistent and would not let my timidity sour the deal: she'd call me and tell my cousin to tell me to have the balls and come to the phone. We cut classes and spent it sitting in an empty auditorium. I think she expected me to behave like a typical horn-bag teenager, and make a move. But I was too involved with how I felt about it, inexperience I guess. From there, I remember having a crush on a girl who out of nowhere, in the middle of an indifferent roaring crowd of high school students going to their next period class, if I wanted to dance with her. She said something else after that, but I was so shocked. We had seen each other at the library and, of course, she made the first move and went to my table to friendly ask if I was in her A.P. Spanish class. We had that class together, and I remember the first time I saw her: her Gothic clothing, her dark mascara and high heels made me think she was up to no good. She was like the devil, and I was such a good Christian boy. But that afternoon in the library, I changed my mind. She was warm and friendly, instead of conceited and vain. And I didn't hear anything else from her, except whenever I saw her in class, she'd always say with a wink of an eye. That killed me, I was a teenager raging with hormonal dynamite, and she was liquid fire. I think she saw the lion even in that most deplorable state of passivity. 

You want to go for what you like, say something outrageous, do something completely unpredictable, never let them fall asleep around you. Well, at least when you're not taken and have two kids, that's how things are always fun. Nothing too heavy, and nothing too soft; the right amount of aggressiveness will not be insistent but persistent; anticipate moves, get out while you're still alive, and prepare for what's ahead. Anyway, I guess my thing back then was inexperience, lack of knowledge, strategy, and the right role models. All I had seen was my mom up until I left for the States, and she hardly let me set foot outside the house unless it was to run errands. Masculinity was something I earned later on when I struggled to understand why is it that women are the way they are. 

Let me ruin the story for you: I never did. But I did find that it wasn't necessary to. See, we're goal-oriented and we want to move from point A to point B in as few moves as possible. That's why we look at body parts, and it has nothing to do with anything that is gender-based; it's more about polarities: the masculine and the feminine. Of course, men tend to be dominant, and women tend to be more passive; they embody both, the masculine and the feminine, but one overrides the other. That's why when a feminine girl comes across a wimp, she doesn't waste time and brings the dominant part of her personality, saving her time, it's time management. Get rid of the ones that will not fight for you. A girl knows it is best to be next to a strong man, but if he exhibits that strength on his character, even better. Shyness is a thief, I said long ago; and when I went through high school without asking my crush out, it exposed just how insecure I was. That is not an attractive trait; we like bold people, those who are willing and daring. Ah, how I'd love to take matters into my hands, if I could only go into the past when that New Jersey girl, captain at her college of the basketball team, who'd meet me every Thursday at the World Trade Center. We'd smoke DJ Rums clove cigarettes, and go for walks, breakfast, sample music at the Boarders library, and we did having something more than an affair. It was that I loved the other girl I was with more, so I eventually went back to my girl, but by then it was too late, too much had happened, too deep the wound, best to sever whatever tied us to the past and move on. So, yeah, eventually I got better, and better. And I'd probably continue to do so. 

In high school, it also was the fact that I was learning a whole new world, with its own language and culture, and it didn't really help to be immersed into all that and come from so little. How the school seemed like a presidential palace, how we'd get around in car and took the bus to high school every morning. We didn't have anything in abundance, but we had enough to get by; but where I came from, there was always a lack, an economic instability that really took a toll on you. And to think that there were others who had (and have) so much less than us, even around us, and even back then. You don't have to go too far to know that poverty may be knocking at your door somehow, someway, you put a wall here and creeps up the other way. Best to get rid up to the point where only the essentials matter: I will get rid of my cellphone, I don't use it, and I'll keep my number with Google Voice. Instead of paying $47.50 a month for a phone with a crappy Internet signal, I pay $49.99 (taxes included) to Clear and have a hotspot on the go, use it home and take it with me in my bag. I can connect my actual phone with Google Voice and save tons of money. Or, better yet, use that money to pay Clear which gives me (they claim eight) enough to have a couple of devices, like a phone or a tablet, I'm gonna buy a bicycle and bike every day to work. We all have to budget: I'll save a ton of money on train rides which skyrocketed this past season. Even if I bike three times a week, or just once in a while, it's good exercise and it opens your visual horizons. How fun to cross the bridge into Manhattan, the fresh air, the people along the way, oh the way you feel. 

So I sense she gets easily irritated with me and shuts off video in the middle of the conversation. Then a few minutes later texts me that she'll call me later and then later tell me she's going to bed. You know, the sort of thing expect from a teenager, so no I don't tell her anything, I go along because she needs space, and I got plenty of that. I don't sweat her, but I do look for her and I engage her every chance I get.  I'm not a kid, so I tell her how I feel about all this and she's starting to come around. But then she just says, she's staying there, studying, and who can't deny her the possibility of going back to school, going back to work. She could earn a higher living for Julian and she still could get wasted with her family every other day, she seemed tipsy, I wouldn't be surprised if she told me she was doing her paper, but maybe she was really drinking. Or not. She did sound like she had a few drinks, but I wouldn't press her over it. Somehow she's convinced herself that I have something against her enjoying her drink. 

So it's best not to take anything for granted and work hard to keep and build on what you already have, save for later and live within your means. Who does anyway? We all know that the shit could go down any minute, in the world we live best if we take time for ourselves, so I applaud Connie for taking the bold step she took and be with the baby over there. I'd be sweeter to her and treat her nice, she's under a lot of stress, and I've been projecting this the wrong way. I need to protect her if I want to protect my son. You can't possibly destroy one and not the othe. I will see them soon, stay with them over a long weekend, call Monday off or take a personal day. 

Full Half

Is the glass full or is it open? Why are people all of a sudden worried about an attack. Look, it's unlikely but not impossible, and Buddhism is very clear in this respect: you simply don't waste your time about a scary potential scenario, you know as a person has to come down, let others win the argument in order to get out of their ways. If not, you'll be tangled up.
I'll be bolder: If you know me, you don't tell me anything about someone I care. I will bring it up to that person, just like you would if you were in my position. I don't see how a person tells you something that not only pertains to you, but also someone with whom you have a kid. You see, mean people aren't always mean; but they do show their colors eventually, if you know how to look. They're not always horrible and they'll always smile. You see them come empty-handed to every family event, drink and eat and leave shortly after. You should always give as a man, I'm a decent tipper, I treat people well everywhere I go, and I don't brag about it on Facebook that I pace more than 20,000 steps on any given day; I walk from here to the train station, sometimes wait for the bus and if not, just walk; same thing when I come back. I give plenty, and I keep to myself; I don't find pleasure in displeasing others, in belittling them or saying something I wouldn't say in front of them. But not everyone gives as much as you're willing, so no need to change others, just let them be and hang out with people who resembles more your style, your way of life, and meet your demands and need. It isn't fair that we've been through all the things we've been through but I never give up on mine. I can count the times I had a conversation with anyone of them, but with some other cousins, I spend plenty of time. Don't get me wrong, but we're different people. And if you need to apologize and make good, and see me as the bad guy, well I won't be calling people up to rectify things with them, I don't have any interest invested in them. I wish them well, and I'll be pleasant around them as usual, I see people, I don't judge them but that doesn't make them innocent either. They're half angels, and half demons; if you pick their demonic side, it'll bite you. The most primal part of the brain, like a walnut, sits at the bottom of the brain. It's the most primitive part. It processes raw emotions such as anger and jealousy, and it's in charge of our fight/flight mechanism, and basic functions like breathing and sweating. The mid-brain is the emotional one, in the middle, at the center. On top, it sits reason, the frontal lobe, what makes us human.

From my stance, it's normal I'd sit at the family table and talk to a cousin of mine about a few things, but I'm not gonna engage his girlfriend the minute he turns his back and talk bad about him. Of course, I was speaking of you to family, but she was saying something about mine. I listened and didn't do anything rash, the anger built up and I exploded. Who loses if I win? I lose. Sometimes, losing is the only way to win. Look, I didn't make any big promises, but I want to give her as much space as you wants. And no, I am not the domineering type, but I am dominant. So, I'll always say something if you don't do good on your word but I might just lower the intensity, maybe blog about it. Yeah, blogging has saved my sanity. No, I don't deny some of the responsibility is mine, but it takes two to tango. We all made mistakes, and the bargain says that I made most of them; the deal is, I leave NY and go to her town into the woods and live a sedentary life among simpletons. I'm tempted, I'm tempted; first thing morning, find out if there's Securitas services there or nearby. But I'll see them for sure this weekend.

And yeah, because I haven't been the greatest person in the world either, and we did have problems, and I did complain to a relative or two slightly about it, omitting certain The way you talk about others says a lot about who you are. Believe me, I'm not volunteering anything, everyone to some degree gossips, but you can't tell me my girlfriend estranged girlfriend said something and I'm just gonna sit there and not do anything. I didn't run to her, I went out and had my fun with cousins, an awesome night: I needed that. And then, as soon as Sunday, I picked Esteban up, took him to Queens, the usual. And then, I studied a while, before I launched on a crusade to shake things up. 

I've forgiven and forgotten. That's why we can move on from here. I will delete or hide these blogs in a few moments. Let's focus on the other night when I was with cousins and she called me. I loved it, and had a fight about it because she loves it, she's feisty and Irish, but I better ease up on her, she's fragile now. 

So, no. It was on Friday that I saw Connie's friend. Immediately, I felt like I could pick his mind but the way in which the guy behaved, left a few minutes after I came in. And according to the bartender, he left without paying. "I thought you guys were friends" the bartender said to me. "No, he's friends with Connie." I didn't tell her how you had taken my bottle of Vodka, none of that, just sat there and drank by beer. A week ago, Marla had asked me if everything was good between us, and I asked Connie if she knew what that was about. So, I connected his reaction with the strange vibe, awkward energy in the place. That place is such a downer, and I was coming for a beer or two, only went in because I saw it was lively and all of her friends were there. They left as soon as I came in. I stand six feet tall, above average built, good looks, witty (hope you noticed) and pretentious enough. No bragging.

The fact is, I was coming from 5 Burros. It was so dead, but I didn't feel like the noisy, overcrowded, loud music playing next door bar, and so I sat there and had two frozen strawberry margaritas. Before I got there, I had gone to have a beer or two at Turtle Bay, before all the horny twenty-something year-old teenagers, who love getting wasted with cheap booze from early on. But by the time I get off work, it's midnight.

How little attention I pay to paragraph construction, these diaries are more visceral, less thought. How awesome it has been this time alone, aside from the misery of not seeing my son, as if that were nothing, the city and the weather, and family and friends have been there for me. I don't bore them with our issues, but we have had fun. 

Silence is Golden

Look, you treat me and say you fear me but you act like someone who wants desperately to be hated. I tell you right now, I don't have time for that crap. Oh so the reason you leave is because life with is was intolerable, not because life is easier for you with the support of relatives, a large house, all the warmth and love you get there, not what we have here. Maybe both of us are right: a little bit of both. You hated here and you thought it best over there; what's the need to badmouth me to your friends? I remember you saying in the beginning of the relationship that we needed to keep things quiet if the relationship didn't work out. It's called discretion. No one owes us anything except discretion, why bring more people into our own drama? How would you feel if I trashed you to relatives and friends in common? How would I look? Look, people know who talks shit and who doesn't. Yeah, I told Alan you were pregnant as soon as I found out and he never told anyone. I needed to vent, and it's not like I spend my time moping around. I do feel once in a while throughout the course of the day all of a sudden deeply saddened by the fact that I'm missing him grow, but most of the time I live it up quietly, spend time doing what comes naturally to me, and you now say that I am what I always was next to you: a workaholic bum. But I keep things to myself. 

Yeah, I may say something to someone who never speaks, and no one else. I keep my shit tight, and I know a lot of shit you told me yourself about people in your life, like your friend the porn star, because you've told several people, including your parents, your closest friends, and this adult industry girl who has gone from relationship to relationship until she chases away anything else than a double life. Is this the girl that you listen to and talk about. She even deleted me, as if it meant anything; I gave you your friends back so that you could go ahead and let me see that this is not about you but Julian and then you. I saw you initially as the person who had separated me from my son, and yes, you've taken him away from me. You say it's unhealthy here, but you were the one who was keeping food and garbage in the same compartment, and you know the baby senses that, I told you many times. First time parents, it happened to me too, and having a son on the spectrum, I am extra careful, almost overprotective. So, I understand that I may have ridden you a little harder, but I never hit you like you have had on several occasions, and I only laughed at that. Because, for an Irish, you hit like a girl. 

Whatever your case against may be, I release you from your contract. No need to kiss your ass so that you could send me a few pictures. Some days, you do and some you don't; you said I had dropped out of nowhere to demand seeing him on video chat, Tango. But I had waited the whole morning, and you said he slept till noon and then claimed you were not just gonna let me see him all of a sudden, "It doesn't work that way." With the same attitude you deploy while singing to the top of your lungs your favorite karaoke song, don't know the name but it includes the line: "Hit me with your best shot!" They know you at the bar and even tease you saying several times: "Oh, really?" because when you get drunk, you get confrontational, talkative, creepily friendly, don't want to go home and we fought initially until I wised up and just avoided going to the bar and drink. If you were drinking, I'd keep it cool, maybe have a few beers, that's it. Just to see you unravel, it's fascinating, really, you don't see it yourself but you become an idiot. I mean, it's not like you're the most brilliant girl to begin with, then your worst nature surfaces and you become... a monster.

The most important thing is, the monster doesn't know that it's a monster. Talk to all sides, and they all think they're right. No one ever considers being wrong. I know I've made mistakes but these never meant I should sacrifice myself and not see my son indefinitely, but we'll see how things go. It's actually, refreshing, he's still so young and beautiful. We made him. I love him so much. Take good care of him. 

Well, look, you used to worship me, and things were really cool for a while, and I never meant for you to stay over there. But be it, it's not the end of the world, we'll see new perspectives, they'll emerge from the crumbles and leftovers. We just need to make space for new things to happen, and we start by first getting rid of some old stuff in our baggage. Look, I don't hate you; you have a home here if you ever decide to visit or drop by. No one but me lives here, and I intend to keep it that way at least for a month or two. I need to put my focus on the Fire Safety course I'm taking. My job depends on it, it's a big challenge, there'll be time for seeing you guys. I've missed you both very much and I am each passing day a little less angry. I want to do things from now on without letting anger decide for me; simply, I won't take decisions when angry. We all get pissed off, no escaping that, but at least we should have the common sense to know that anger isn't wise, it's our primal self, the reptilian brain. We need to let our better selves triumph over these issues, not act like a chicken without a head, and yeah I've seen the baby pics and I've loved them all. Videos... well, I see he still hasn't warmed up to you, he cries in every single one of them. 

Bulls... on Stampede

The world around unravels and if you don't adapt, then you perish; you need to embrace the times, accept the challenge at hand and give it your all. Of course, I lay back, like many people who has it so good given the fact that I'm already smart, and knowing how powerful associations are born every other moment in my life, I see that sometimes you have to go through digesting certain unsavory truths and then have a stomachache about it until you finally go to the bathroom and flush your worries away. It's important to know that, even though you think you know best, there are others who know better or are better informed. You read on issues pertaining to the day, science, health, politics, technology, even sports, all there at the palm of your hand so that you feast your curious intellectual sentient being. Of course, being smart can have its downside, especially when you know you're underachieving, it makes you lazy, overconfident, boast, part of the American experience, we are one obnoxious race and having lived here two thirds of my life, I know there's a narcissistic, selfish/selfless, altruism is nothing more than a highly rewarding way of being selfish. And there's nothing wrong about being selfish selfish either, so long as it's not an every turn, go ahead... indulge. 

Often psychiatrists deal with two faces of a single spectrum. On one side of this spectrum is the neurotic and on the other the dependent; so neurotic people, it follows, take more responsibility that than they should. Dependents, on the contrary, blame everyone else for their problems. It seems that somewhere along the midway section of these two ambivalent forces lies the answer. It seems simple, but in order to survive we have to be absolutely convinced that we are doing the right thing; even people who is obviously doing the wrong thing, like W. Bush going into Iraq, didn't seem like such a big deal. You can interview prisoners in jail serving sentences in a variety of crimes, most will think themselves innocent or wronged by the system. It illustrates our nature: even when we are doing something that we think is right, we may not. I rely on good literature, nothing extraordinary, just sources of info that some friends obsessed with politics or like my love on hiatus would say, "Scientists are biased." The other night on I saw a Republican guess argue back scientific evidence on global warming and say that the jury still out because "scientists have been wrong in the past." 

Certain things you just have to step aside and let pass, just like you if a herd of bulls on stampede suddenly appeared rushing  towards you. 

Of course, we should distrust science on issues like religion, but these same people don't rely on "faith" when it comes to their psychological maladies. They prefer to trust the head doctors in prescribing them with psychotropic substances legally engineered by giant pharmaceutic companies playing God, and in some instances, they may have proved lethal to some of those administered with these drugs. Many people have died or gotten worse or become addicted to antidepressants, suddenly people who already has dependency issues is handed a hardcore additive, and very few come out of that medicated state unscathed. Most go back, or simply experience horrible withdrawal symptoms that the only way to get rid of it is running back to the counter. Modern medicine is ran by money, they're not in the business of curing but instead treating disease, this is how the money is made. Many studies point out that far safer and just as effective in treating depression is diet and exercise, good sleep habits, meditation... not just popping a pill and problem solved! And it's not just depression, Chopra complained about how modern medicine makes the doctor a drug pusher, sort of a legal drug dealer. Instead of recommending that the individual should live a more engaging life, get rid of certain unhealthy habits like smoking or drinking excessively, for instance, and instead read, dance and run. Yeah, reading, writing, doing things that do not required you post yourself in front of a TV, unless is muted and playing the Nature station on Pandora as I slip into full mode mindfulness. 

Certain things you just have to step aside and let pass, just like you if a herd of bulls on stampede suddenly appeared rushing  towards you.

Inviting Scent

I think, what I wanted to say is, I'm not gonna kiss your ass so that you send me a few baby pictures, every now and then, or compromise my terms. The worst thing you can do is chase after a girl who has abandoned you, whatever her reasons are; I say this without remorse or anger, it's what I think is true. Of course, you can't escape emotions, so the thing is, whatever the reason may be, if it makes her happy, who am I to stop her. That was my idea anyway, and I did kind of disengaged from her because my focus was on the baby, maybe I was a little hard on her. But taking the baby all of a sudden, without a word or a hand-written note, like the one she left when she entered the apartment when I was at work because I might attack her. 

You know, she can't go without that dramatic effect. Of course, it's not that she fears me, this happened before when she just decided to make a fight with me, arguing her right to talk to her exes and get home hours after she had said she'd be. She could have been cute and say, "Hey, baby, I lost track of the time." No, instead she fights back, gets aggressive: she's drunk. She's no longer apologetic and passive, asking permission to go to the bar. Do as you please, and maybe all of this pleasing attitude and wussy-ass lack of character probably sickened her. See, fathers always experience a drop in testosterone levels, this in turn makes them more emotional, and this is known as the male's version of postpartum. It's possible she's allergic to her antidepressant or maybe she shouldn't drink when she's taking her medicine. Or maybe a little alcohol is part of the medicine, what she should be treated for is alcoholism. It's not full-blown alcoholism, but a form of alcohol abuse, like binge drinking. Say, I love to have a beer or two at home after a long day, just to take off the edge; if there're people drinking with me, I may go for a few more beers, but after the fifth beer I'm good. I've been drunk; I just don't drink to get drunk, I know when to stop. Of course, I don't think it's something that they do because they're bad people, but I think they feel bad because they do it. The feeling  must have its rewards, because they again go and do it, and again. We all have our vices, no one is a saint; I couldn't cast the first stone,  If people want to drink, who am I to tell them otherwise? Except with a baby, and having lived and loved my boy who suffers from autism, I'm overprotective but since I'm working, I know it can be a burden... You'll have to be selfish to see your loved ones happy where they are now, and not feel happy for them; I will miss him and love him, and will see him soon but not soon enough. She'd be cold to my advances, and I know we've moved apart. But that's no reason to make her my enemy, or despise her somehow. She still is the mother of my child, and I will have to deal her for a long time. So, I try to make it easy and not call as often as I used to, she never calls and doesn't respond to questions, demands things like therapy that will take a long time, divorce, and all for what? What is the reward? She knows without her economic muscle, it'd take me sometime before I get those things done. I'm not so sure anymore; times are hard and the only reason I kept married to my ex is because of the tax breaks of filing jointly. She knows about this, she filed the taxes and the fact is, I don't know if there's ever gonna be a second chance, just don't see the way we could work as a couple. If she's as irrational as she is, now that we're not even married, what is left when she has marital jurisdiction? She could claim Julian and they could live happy for now over there. I'm in no rush, and the more time, the better and the more we get used to this new role. It's challenging but then again, what isn't? Even bums have to work and that really is some shitty job if you ask me. 

The way I see it is, I need to focus and continue to study as I have, write, rehearse in my mind, read, pay more attention. It was a good day, warm, sunny throughout the day and then sporadic showers throughout the evening. 

By the time I left work, the rain had stopped. I walked from Pfizer to Bryant Park. Then I took the Queens bound F train to Kew Gardens, had two glasses and a half of wine, and just watched TV. I smoked a cigar. It's classy and it has a less inviting scent. 

Common Ground

Your friend the morbidly overweight gay guy (cool guy, though, just using the emphasis you love to color your world with) to whom you cannot say anything about how heavy he is, as if in doing so you were doing him a favor.
It's none of my business, I know. But if I were his friend, as he insisted being mine even though it sounded fake (like when in the video clip he wishes me a happy birthday and insists: "I mean it!" Well, if it were up to me, I'd say something about it.
"Get real, man. You need to work your ass off, eat healthier and minimize the alcohol intake. That's a friend. A friend sees that your safety comes first, but oh no! it's not about the fact that he could very well die if he continues to live his lifestyle, but that he has acquainted a vast majority of people who keep quiet just so that they don't hurt his feelings. Look, I get it, everyone is entitled to their privacy and the first thing anyone should know is that none of the people who knows me can accuse me of anything other than saying things how I see them. And, of course, I exercised discretion so I said nothing to him. They speak of friends in common and I've seen him around other people behaving like an asshole, but I never knew the guy until he started showing up all of a sudden (never visited you while you were pregnant and neither did your other perfect friends who now support you all of a sudden because you follow down their path. See, the fact is, just like you come here and then spend the night at your gay friend's apartment and even take my half a bottle of Vodka to him (initially, you lied, said you had flushed it down the sink but when I said there was no sign of an empty bottle anywhere in the apartment, you fessed up: "I gave it to my friend." 

Just like he talks crap about other girlfriends of yours with you, he does the same with others. He ran out scared or ashamed as if I were going to assault him somehow last time I saw him at the local bar. Guy didn't even pay the bill, and it isn't the first time; he has his girlfriends bail him, order food for him. This guy, who? The one you wanted to leave our child with so that we could go drink at the local bar, when he was already drunk. I've never seen that guy sober. I've seen him hide beers of mine in his pockets, and that's the friend you love. The guy who self-hates and over-medicates with antidepressants and alcohol just the way you've done, mix your antidepressant medicine with your anxiety medicine and a few glasses of wine so that you fall asleep in the middle of the conversation sitting on a chair, head down execution style. I'll omit the details, but the fact is, you loath him and the guy loathes himself, that's why he's eating himself to a heart-attack, calls off every so often, and you call me out in front of family in the party I was throwing for you for having missed a day of work when I said I hadn't called off in more than a year. Why you choose people like him, who thrive in drama and speak lowly of others, is because they ring true to your character. 

For who are your friends to take our business so personal that they'd delete me from Facebook. It's okay, if you don't know me and the only reason you added me was because I was going out with a friend of yours, who gives a crap? Look, aside from your gay friend, you also pay tribute to a girl who, as you told me, works for the porn industry. According to you, her parents don't even know this about her, and the casual boyfriend for whom she changes her profile relationship status every few months, how could she be so strict when it comes to my actions against you? Because according to you, the reason you didn't let me know you were coming (it's not like I was going to leave work to go confront you about it) was because you were afraid I might stop you. There's no stopping you and I don't think I ever tried to whenever you picked up and disappeared which you've done every so often. Yeah, this isn't the first time you've left without a note, but you did spend the night in New York and even though you were afraid of me, you called me to see if I wanted to meet you at DD and have a coffee because you were leaving to the airport in an hour. I asked you if Julian was with you and when you said no, I just went back to bed, didn't even reply. I am not playing hide-and-seek, or the violent prototype who is going to go ape on you. I know you love to slander me, and when I called to tell you t

First, there's the gay crap. According to her, she found "in my email" account several ads placed on craigslist seeking sexual encounters at home, and it was only the second time in our relationship that this happened. I reminded her, the first time was over than six years ago and you found it digging through my email. The picture used in that ad was taken from my MySpace account by a guy at work who eventually got caught and was fired later (for something else). The guy had really stupid habits, I work with a lot of good people, but there are always idiots, it's a fact of life, you can't escape it. In the time since then, it has happened, always an idiot taking advantage of my carelessness. Hence the fact that you were getting in and out of my email, who cares? I myself gave you the password which was generic (and still is), had I done so if I were, as you claim, trying to hide something. I left it there as proof of a prank initially and it wasn't the first or the last time I fell victim to it. Just a few months back, someone went and posted on my wall that I loved to suck big juicy balls, I don't recall the exact wording, but I remember thinking, "Whoever wrote that shows love in its attention to detail." Friends of mine replied with "Likes" and people who secretly despises me or wanting to tease me, pressed more and more Likes, and I saw it only because someone from work called to tell me about it. Even my cousin George commented: "You better change your password." No one knows my password, except you, and you had denied previously that you'd check my email, spy whenever I left my Facebook account open (which happened regularly), I liked it, it showed you cared and I had nothing to hide. Except things started to unravel, and I was missing money from my bank account, and I wanted to know if you had used my debit card to pay for anything. If you fell entitled to some of the money from the income tax return, that's one irrefutable thing. You had asked and I had said yeah, but what you don't seem to understand is that even though I didn't get a chance to write you a check, I would've never denied you anything. You feel satisfied? Fine, but you should have asked. It was the proper thing to do. Then, if I denied you, resort to whatever tactics. Fact is, I never denied you. And I never stole from you. You stole from me everything: more than what I was supposed to give you. You filed the taxes yourself, and that's because if we filed jointly (Elizabeth and I), we'd get twice as much back; you yourself did the math, so I had your cut somewhere around $1,800, it's slightly more than what I got for putting Julian as a dependent. You took almost $2,300, and did so without remorse, not so much as an apology, or regret. But that's fine, too.

Spend all the time you want with your family, and I'll go see my son as soon as I can. If you come by New York, I'd love to have a cup of coffee. Things are okay over here, the weather is getting nicer and soon summer will be here. I've kept very active and I have school tomorrow, so we'll leave it at that. Good night, and know that I don't hate you and I wish you are in good health, the space and comfort, judging from the pictures, all the family support, all the love and affection they have for Julian is the one I have for him as well. This much we have in common. This is common ground. Who cares why our relationship failed, we may not understand each other but Julian will always be held dear to us all.

Meditation

You'd think about the contrasts between two of the world most prominent religions, Buddhism versus Christianity. It's more like the difference between rats and rabbits, both of which come from the same family. Well, it's not fair; one is enlightening, and the other dawned the Dark Ages. One predates the other by more than seven hundred years. One is a way of life; the other is a religion. One asks you to pray, and the other centers you through meditation. One offers the path, the light, the way, here on earth and no deities floating in the sky, with judgmental agendas and a god full of wrath that will punish you after you die.
Look, there are parallels to both anecdotes, and Christianity, which sprang from Judaism and wasn't even a religion until the Rome under Constantine decided to make it officially the Empire's main religion. Constantine did it to get the help of a large Christian population and use them to overthrow his brother, who history chronicles as a more benevolent figure. Of course, Rome did not interfere with others' practices but eventually it became more and more common and preferable to be known as Christian. Jesus was a Jew, and may or may have not intended to create his own religion. That was far-fetch, even for him, who self-proclaimed the savior of all Jews. Why show modesty, after all he's the son of God, his dad, who sent him to sacrifice himself for us and to restore him as king on earth. King! Of course, if it had been a religion created nowadays, he'd probably would have been better off being president. Or dictator in a small, backward nation...

Unlike poor Jesus, Siddhartha, whom later would become the Buddha, was born in a kingdom. His father had gone to great lengths in order to avoid him seeing how crude life can be, so whenever he passed by, they'd hide the old and the sick, so that he didn't have to suffer such spectacle. Nonetheless, he did see the sick and the suffering, and decided to leave behind his life as a prince and venture into the world to find the reason why there was so much suffering. It's not like he was born in poverty and pretending to be something like the son of God, that would've gotten him killed probably. The Buddha went to know extreme deprivation and taught himself disciple by not eating more than a few grains of rice a day. Of course, he came out of that spiritual starvation, and ate, and went about to teach what he had learned while he meditated under the tree. He had seen, among other things, the righteous path, the middle path... which teaches that we should not deprive ourselves of anything but also not over do it. Somewhere in the "middle path."

New studies have shown that Buddhists are among the happiest human beings in the world by studying their brain's neurology and pathways. Meditation is for the mind what exercise is for the body. I meditate every days, twice a day, twenty minutes to an hour, sometimes more, way more, depending on how stressful the day has been. It defuses everything. It soothes you. It puts you at ease.

What Matters

Ever seen how a woman like Hillary Clinton, or so many like her before and thereafter, when she stood by her man, seeing there was a promising political future, a lot to risk at that present moment; she intuited the fact that when a couple works for common goals, sex is not always at the height of the hierarchy. Sex happens all around us, each and everyone of us has had sex, lied about it, cheated, and if we haven't, then it's either because the opportunity presented itself and you didn't dare follow it, or you didn't see them or didn't know what to do whenever they presented themselves, or tried and failed miserably. Of course, there are many loyal people, most of us are. We're talking about the difference between emotional and sexual affinity; sex is something that binds us early on and it wanes as the relationship grows. Why do I talk about sexual infidelity? Because if you're to leave someone based on their predatory sexual habits, then you better make sure you know it's something that is chronic and that has happened, and that it happened while things were good. You fight for what's yours, not run away the first chance you get. Of course, in her case it wasn't about being greedy; it's because she needed a break, and family support and to make space between us, all of which is good; except, we don't need to undergo a great drama over it. We should be working with each other and not be too invested on how people around us sees things. Who do you listen to? Friends are not the ideal advisers. Think of their own relationships, if they suck at it, what makes you think they can guide you in the right direction? Of course, friends will support whatever you decide; just let me know what that is, is all. I am talking generally, not to anyone in particular. And yes, I've been wrong and I've made mistakes. It's what we do as humans. We don't punish loved ones, we support them. I could understand if it was the case that I'd be terrorizing you or threatening you. You could have called before. You obviously enjoy your new found freedom. This is okay, and I am too enjoying time alone, not flying around but having a hard time, at work in part and here, missing J.
Whatever makes me happy, I'll make time for. I will see him sooner (not soon enough!) and I will focus for now on the task at hand. What matters. Work. Julian. Family. Friends who share more than a few drinks.

Most long-term couples do not share the same bed because they enjoy a great sex life. They enjoy a great life, sex is just a part of it, in many cases it's nonexistent. They feel comfortable to fart in front of each other; no passion can survive that! Yet they share a life together. And it doesn't stop them from loving one another. I mean, if you value sexual fidelity over everything else, if you're willing to give what you worked so hard for because your man (or woman) has had an affair, then you either don't have a lot invested emotionally, you just need to know if he or she wants to leave you. I wouldn't leave my girl for an emotional affair, even a one-night stand, I just never want to know of it. My thing is, if you find a way to enjoy your body, dancing, eating, rejoicing, and learning everyday something new, you can almost see that you have no power over other people. So, let them be who they choose, so long as they choose you should be more than enough. That, and discretion. I don't think it's wise to get known for playing the field, because for women that is not such a great thing, in the eyes of others that is. When a man bangs them all, he's celebrated as a hero; but women are judged too harshly. If we separate, society will judge her more severely. However, I don't lose either way; I do want it to work, if we correct the way we have been doing things, give each other space like we have lately without having to demonize one another in front of others; no one should know about our business, and this continues to be an issue, especially since some of friends deleted me from Facebook. Among them, rich and holy. That is not something cool, because people thrives on drama and though it's difficult to untangle ourselves from it all, we get to choose who we talk to and about what. I choose no one in particular, just vent sometimes to people I know will never sell me out. The first human being whom I told something about us being pregnant was Alan, and no, he's not the same cousin I didn't mention (or will) before (after). I even delete these blogs a few days after.

It used to be that I did not advertise these pages, but I thought they're a useful tool, for my sanity. For my sanity, I saw a counselor once, even tried counseling others, as if I had something better going for me. Not all great teachers had it good, and though I'm not pretending to be one a good writer, I see that our priority has to first be the family. It's not that sex isn't important; sex is very important, but it's not worth sacrificing your family for. One-night stands, they happen often; women prefer emotional affairs. They say things like, "Oh, but I didn't sleep with the guy," but actually building a relationship, creating connections with others, with the interest in mind of flirting, and we all tease. No, I'm not saying we should cheap. I think people who love each other should also forgive each other and not jump to conclusions, demand more than it's willing to give back, and offer little, if any, hope. Of course, a cousin told me to let my guard down, I said, "No." I'm not gonna run, and I'm gonna pace myself; and my case is simple: I want to see my son. I want to hold him. It can't be too soon. I said I'd go, if she returns the favor of coming to New York with our son. But she refused. And she said she won't come. And what about my family, they all want to see him and she wouldn't have to stay with us. Just drop him with me for a couple of days, I'll take off from work and catch up with him. I know he's better over there, all I ask for is not much. She doesn't have to stay with me. She could decide to go the healthy way and stay at Richie's again.
She does welcome the idea of me going over there, even quitting my job and go live in Michigan. I gotta say, I was tempted.
But now I must focus on the Fire Safety course I'm undertaking. I need to apply myself, keep to myself, don't let my emotions get the best of me. Not like I'm holding anything back, just dialing down a notch the intensity, and I still reserve the right to put people in their place, of course, with tact. Not as if I felt violated, but as if I just disagree. I'm not gonna run around like a chicken without its head anymore; nothing to do with her. I can only exert control over myself, and I find it hard as it is, so why try and change someone's mind. It's good to make time to do the things we love; check out a new place for lunch at least once a week, walk/pace more than five miles a day, read and keep your mind sharp. Take time to kick back and read, watch t.v. (intelligent programs or comedies, or both, as is the case of the Daily Show or Bill Maher, I love liberal witty shows. Also, FOX cartoons, still watch The Simpsons from time to time.

She took the bottle of Vodka. She says she flushed it down the sink. There was wine, too. And what's weird is, no sign of the empty bottle. If she flushed it down the sink to spite me, why not just flush the wine and the beer as well? She spent the night in New York and didn't even bother visit or give me a call. She text me saying she had be at the airport at 2 p.m. and it was already 12:21 a.m. She wanted to meet at a coffee shop, have a cup. I asked if she was with our son. A few minutes of unnecessary suspense later, she replied: "No." So, I didn't go but still things are better now, because she called and we talked and we kind of accepted things as they are. She sent me pictures and I had overall a good day, at John Jay College studying the Fire Safety Director which I lost due to lack of out-dated information about the building, rushing the appointment and set it for Valentine's Day and with the stress at home of having a newborn. We, I, didn't handle this too well. Now I can see clearer.

Which brings to, again, the bottle of Vodka. Of course, she could have flushed it, but I found all the other liquors intact, and no sign of her cleaning up anything; she was going to Richie's, according to her, so there you have a motive. Richie drinks like a horse, and she loves Vodka, too. I even laughed at the idea, but I thought she just told me, "No, I'm staying away from that stuff (alcohol)," and I thought "Oh, come on! You took that bottle, it's okay, really!" But I said nothing. She doesn't get my sense of humor. I may come across as calling her on her lie. No, absolutely not. I'm just saying, I like her when she's drunk and she wants to tag me with all of the blame and say it was my fault, she did nothing wrong. And I love that, okay, I'll take the fall. I mean, I still don't get it. Okay, so if I had cheated on her for sure, or had I hit her, or had I been neglecting our son's care. I helped whenever I was home, tried to make concessions,
I wanted to go and hold her, and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. That was my initial impulse. Like an impulse with its own pulse and rhythm, as if I had no choice but to go see her. I should have followed that instinct, but it would have set a bad example; just run like a puppy when she
I haven't been a coward (not saying she is either), run away, fly to Michigan,

Move In one Direction

In order to whip me into submission, she sent a message on facebook having taken pictures of a mess I had on the kitchen. Yeah, there was a mess, and now she claims to find incriminating photos of how unfit a parent I am. Look, I shot back, I'm not trying to take our son away from you, but you are. Look, the least bit of decency, instead she seeks to bring me down by hitting way below the belt. I am a human being, and I miss my son, and what you are doing is wrong. Yes, I may have been wrong and we never shared the same point of view, but nothing I've done -except perhaps, having not pursue you as I had initially. I want to. But I don't. In principle, you don't reward bad behavior. And it's not punishment, just a way of showing tit for tat, quid pro quo. You do as you wish others would do unto you. Why all of a sudden she's threatening me with pictures of things I've been since day one; why is it that she thinks, that she'd bully me into submission. 

She appears out of nowhere, I see there's a note on the table atop a pile of divorce papers. Hint, hint. I had looked for those and maybe weeks ago, even a few days before, I would've jumped on my feet and run like a dog, not really, no. I've taken a lot of crap I haven't expected of you; I'm not out to destroy you. All I want is for you to understand that I need contact with my son. You had sent pics and then stopped. All of a sudden you stop, you don't answer, you appear here the same way you left shrouded in doubt and smelling funny things. I love your paranoia and your neurosis, and we all agreed at a reunion you have horrible taste. But you had many strengths. I know you're hurt; this isn't you. If you think that by destroying me you'll find satisfaction, you forget how that will impact Julian's life. Remember how he is o has been with me, how much he loves me, he must miss me terribly and all I ask is to have a peep at video chat with him, use your laptop so that he sees my face. I'm not asking for a lot, and I will have all of this as evidence as to how my mind worked around these moments. You have here a home, and a man who may have been wrong, but always loved you. I never hit you; I never cheated on you. I didn't even get mad when you first told me you spend time with an ex at the bar, and immediately went down on me, as if I was going to let that one slide. Okay, no more, you don't want a guy who asks why or anything, then get a girl. I'll do the same. 

I'm saying, your friends aren't angels, no one is; and if we had it good for a while it's because we kept to ourselves. If you bring family and friends too often, they meddle. People shouldn't meddle. They should, ideally, mind their own business and offer a sympathetic ear, but let people make their mind about it. People who advise you are not much better than you, so why follow their advise? I'd rather make my own mistakes and I will own them; I'm not afraid of erring, we should demand as much as we give. Taking calculated risks in life, growing as a person, taking on a challenge, starting a new shouldn't scare you. Don't follow a script though, and always choose love, not fear. Have the courage to love. Don't be such a pussy. You come here, the door is open, I won't recriminate you anything, we can build something; if you don't want me, then let me be. But don't shut me out of Julian's life. 

It wouldn't be fair. He's as much mine as yours, and I love him just the same; I am his dad and he needs me in his life. I don't hate you; you know that. But I can only move in one direction. 

Helicopter Baby!

The moment I walk into the door, I sense someone has been there. I look around and no immediate evidence appears, rooms' lights are off, things in disarray everywhere, then I spot the note on the counter: "I came back to get some things" it began, "I really hoped things would have been different" the atomic-bomb line followed, and then it further said... well, exactly what, I forget but it said something about a cry for help or to actually a reminder of seeking "professional" help, legal psychotropic substances, developing still depressive bouts, rash actions and such, not that I'm an angel but if you ask me, I think she came back to tease me and to mark her territory.
Right before I left, I logged out of Facebook and Google Plus, I've gotten smarter. Just out of precaution because her search may have found the place a mess, after all just a few dirty dishes and some leftovers from a family reunion on Sunday. She could come over here anytime she wants and she's not gonna find anything. But I am making space and not demanding, like she demanded, anything from her. As long as she kept sending me a few pics (which she has, daily, until today) and video clips (which she hasn't except maybe once), and I live for those. I want her to know and let everyone know that whatever personal belonging she has to retrieve, she's welcome to. This is one thing you don't have to hide for. I just learned of the note not too long ago, and so what is the need to "push" the get-help agenda (it literally means, get treated for depression through psychological intervention and antidepressants, preferably the latter. Of course, they've worked "wonders" for her. I said, time and again, "Thanks but no thanks."

I stay away from many embarrassing details but it's not like I shy away, it's more that it lost its urgency, it' no longer about dropping by unannounced and leave a childish note on the table, get some of your stuff and in vain (I imagine, you tried looking for a suspicious third party evidence of some kind) you attempted (what scorned woman wouldn't?) to see my emails, Facebook, Google Plus. All of which I just had closed, like my bank account debit card, everything has shifted and changed, not radically and never out of spite. Of course, some anger guided us here, and there's a lot of misunderstood issues; love puzzles that I'd love to solve. But when or where, when I tried she'd hang up the phone and deploy her Republican negotiating tactics. She'd demand ten times more than she was willing to concede. What did she concede? A possible return? A weekend here with me showering them around, because I don't think the crime I have "committed" is big enough that she'd deny me an explanation, show up just the way she left and leave me such a little note on top of a bunch of divorce papers.  This is hilarious.

I had actually looked for those papers about a week ago. Negotiations went nowhere and since I had so suddenly lost too many things at once, at work and in my personal life, I had to give up Julian for the moment being. See, thing is, and I say it again: I was never opposed to her spending time with her family. The way things escalate to there is because she needs some sort of dramatic pull in order to push forward with ideas that she could have resolved without confrontation. Confrontation is for when everything else has failed; she tries nothing more than being this obnoxious person who wants to just do away with everything you held dear, all because you dare love her. It's like, she had to find a reason to find me guilty of something grave enough to justify taking a plane and not even giving me a call to let me not. But a text. A text! What are we, ten years old?

Of course, it's been like dealing with a child. I told her, I didn't like the idea of our kid bearing her last name. What kind of woman does something like that? That is rare, you don't see that very often. Of course, we did all of this divorce paperwork for nothing since I know now I won't divorce and give away what Isabelle is willing to do, file jointly and take her cut, no crap about me and my son, cool and all. No matter how horrible she's been, verbally abusive and overwhelmed by anger, she's been a noble person most of the time. She's not an angel by any means, but she's got a lot on her plate and this is just about simple economics: if we file jointly, it's twice as much and so long as we don't see a reason to divorce, then so be it. Connie is welcome to get her stuff, to talk if she's willing, but I am moving forward toward. If I fail at work, I will possibly lose my job, so I need to focus and apply myself. Then, and only then, I shall attend to all other affairs. I hope she stays with her mom in Michigan and don't bring the baby into the unnecessary drama in our relationship. Of course, I've suffered, and I realized I was blinded by love. A raw emotion that can impair your judgment.

As of Julian, only I (without God, without Love, without Mother) know how much I've suffered. Yeah, I lashed out indiscriminately out of despair and pain, it's what animals do when wounded. Of course, things could have been better, if only you took a different path; maybe we could have been two against the world, and not everyone you know and me. I've briefly talked to Alan of it, and he bluntly asked: "So let me get this straight: the reason she started all this is because she things you're gay?!" Not the only reason, to be fair. I kind of push her away with my actions. She took bait.
I know, it sounds bad but we were at each other's throats and I knew all she needed was an excuse. This way she could find it easy and remorseless. Of course, I've been a bit careless with the dishes, with the toilet seat up and I intend to just let go of all little by little.

How do I deal with pain? I turn to Buddhism. It teaches, "Life is pain." What you want to do is, minimize the amount of pain suffered. There are actions you take to achieve this. In Buddhism, it says that the reason you suffer is because you have wants and needs. If your need is satisfied, then you move towards your wants, and if you don't get what you want, you suffer. Therefore, you need to give up suffering. And by giving up what hurts you, you eliminate the pain. By letting go, and by never doing so regret and always grateful. Yeah, I know I may have said an obscenity and curse you out but what it's what people do under circumstances, like when you're being raped or robbed, when someone screws with you and you say, "Fuck this." You get angry, that's how losers deal with things. The right thing to do is, let me be with my dignity. That's all. No reason to barge in here and try to stir things that are now dried cement. A pavement that was wet and you put your hands on top, and I loved how you did love me before, and how you treated me. For whatever the reason, maybe you're going through a postpartum depression or maybe you're just fed up with the way things are and want to punish me. Well, you succeeded in making me not give a crap about anything else right now but me. Because if I fail, a lot of things are on my back, including Julian and I am not about to miss that target because you decide to drop out of nowhere and kind of hint a divorce. And yeah, all of those things I wanted but now I'm not so sure; see, for one you're just starting a life with me and this is how you show your colors. It's not that it's horrible; but it's pretty bad and I'd be fucking stupid to let those things slide. Of course, I'm putting the last nails on the coffin just yet but what is the need to let something rot? If it's dead, bury it, because otherwise it's gonna really stink.
The mere fact that you denied me even sending me pics initially and demanded that I'd finalize the divorce and seek antidepressant treatment before you'd even let me see him again, and the fact that if it wasn't for the fact that I have oh so very much to do, I probably would've ran and do those and whatever other things, just to see you and my son again. But then I saw things clearer: it was you who didn't want to see me, for some reason you decided to "hit me with your best shot." It was so big that it devastated me and it made me realize how much you really despise me. Ask everyone and they'd tell you how highly I speak of you, even though you have your alcoholic bliss and your insecurity issues, your lack of refinement: you don't read and everyone at the last party agreed you have horrible taste in curtains. But I saw only the good in you, and that's what shone. With me you did and so much more than ever before and we would've had a whole lot more, had you just been a little more gracious. You know it's unmanly to just walk out on a girl and argue whatever reason, but you know what? In this case, I'd run the risk of people's disdain and you can blame me and name all the reasons why we didn't soar. Look, the thing is, I am not interested in a relationship with you right now, maybe much later we can work our differences and make up, or not. Either way, I'm not holding my breath.

Give Julian a kiss for me. Two kisses. Find time to let me see him on Skype or Tango. I will send you videos of me so that he doesn't forget me; I want to do helicopter baby. I want to hold him and stare into his eyes. Give Julian the certainty that I will love him and that he is in my mind all the time. Tell him I miss him. Tell him that I will see him soon but never soon enough. Tell him I'm crying for him, and I love him and tell him it's not all about me or you anymore; it's not about us; it's only about him. This sacrifice is for him because I know he's happy. But I live every passing day with the dream that I'd see him and I know I will; something deep inside me broke and it shattered something I held sacred into pieces. I already forgave you for all the bad, and I will miss all of the good; but please continue. I would love to see where you from here.