A dream about a dream

I dreamt last night about my dream girl, Pfizer Girl. In the dream, we spoke in hieroglyphs and moved around through an intricate network of labyrinths which symbolized the social masquerade we’re all subjected to. While vividly I perceived in the dream that events and situations were a lot more complex than the real ones (who knows what’s real, anyway), our emotions were somehow more evolved and we found ourselves less contrived. At the critical point of the dream, she stopped on cascading vertical stair, stared into my eyes like never before and asked me: “Until when are you going to wait to talk to me” and almost with the same audacity, she left. I can still feel the sensation in my entire body as to how I felt, embarrassed because it was her who initiated the whole ordeal.

What other missions should I carry on? Well, you still need a lock, amazingly (don’t be sarcastic to yourself! Oh, well, maybe a little, as Seneca said, “Be harsh with yourself.”). Also, make an effort and exercise; it’s been quite a few days since you truly swept your ass off. You’re gradually becoming this new, brighter, better human machine. Good thing, check cleared, so make sure to take the two-hundred dollars out of the bank and give Isabel the stipulated amount. Meditate with all of the transcendental melodies downloaded last night (free yourself of the self-improvement chatter for a day). Don’t forget to analyze events and situations in detail to see how far you can go today. Let the unfixable win for now and focus on all the good things you can make happen as of now. Tonight we’ll go grocery shopping for food that will last to next week. I brought my own meal to work today, just like I did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that up to almost two weeks back. Let’s keep up with it.
This morning I made breakfast for Vangelis and me. I feel fantastic. This morning I had an argument with a thick but curvaceous woman who smell of flowers and nastily complained when I sat next to her because the space in between, though designed for one more person, was half occupied by her enormous behind. She complained to the person she was having a conversation on the phone: “Some guy thinks his ass is going to fit in here next to me!” I said, cockily and in a masculine aired tone: “My ass fits just fine. Thank you.” Then I slowly turn to her and teased her: “It is your ass that belongs in the gym.” She countered: “I don’t need no gym. I feel fine the way I am” still with a nasty tone. “Well, prove it” I said as I stared into her eyes. “Because usually people behave ugly when they feel ugly.”

Visions

I envision myself a lot healthier than now. I am healthier than yesterday, and continue to maintain my health through consistent exercise routines, meditation, breathing techniques, planning and self-improvement. I stimulate my vision with future images of myself; I stimulate my state of mind through all of my senses: sight, touch, taste, smell, and hearing. I, for instance, listen to Anthony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, and many others of the same stature. I read self-improvement material. I challenge myself on an hourly basis. I’m constantly evolving.
I see myself living in my own place, working on my own projects and living off my talents in diversified systems of income. I see myself providing personal help to those who can afford it. I see myself as a writer, for a living, and also pursuing other means of financial venues and resources: seminars, websites, one-on-one, calendars, clothing stores, etc. I will own at least three different businesses and live comfortably, and never have to worry about money anymore.
I see my son and his mother in contact with me, and also well-off. I see my significant other Isabel growing into a more independent and more satisfied individual. I see us living separate lives and still the best of friends. I see me in great shape, exercising regularly, and having a great diet. I see myself soon going back to school to gain knowledge on fitness and nutrition. I see myself owning places in New York, Santo Domingo, Spain (don’t know which city yet) and Barranquilla, New York and possibly in one of the other states. But more than residing in a single place, traveling all over the world: I want to propagate my knowledge and help others, especially my closest relatives and friends. I see myself dating the most beautiful girls and eventually falling in love again. I owe a boat, a nice bike, a couple of sport cars. This is a fragment of the picture, now let’s bring it to life!
First, let’s get rid of debts. Then eliminate expenses that serve no constructive purpose: cablevision, for instance. Within a few weeks, I will have paid off the rent amount owed. I will be saving one hundred dollars per week along with Isabel which will amount to two-hundred dollars biweekly; I will invest a little less than ten percent of the remaining balance, and I will provide a lot more home than anytime in recent memory. I will also put some money away for college. I’ve decided to take, for now, classes in advanced English Grammar, and a certificate on health and fitness. Three months from now, I plan to earn twice as much as I’m earning, and I’ve devised a well-thought-out schedule to better administer my time. With time management in mind, I’ve realized that my cellular phone offers a calendar feature in which I can put the time from start to finish of tasks to materialize. I’ve made specific time for writing, reading, meditating, exercising, and also to remind myself of events to take place and chores to run.
I’m actually pacing myself, and I’ve never felt as good as I have today. Fat is gradually disappearing, and I expect to have conquered sobriety and tranquility. While Isabel still gets to me, I’m daring to bring about projects to carry out between the two of us and if she drags my energy down, I simply replace the futility of argument and frustration with more time alone meditating. I decided to improve my relationship with my superiors and co-workers without having to appear needy and desperate for attention. I will strike conversations with strangers, take calculated risks, open doors and bring down psychological walls, in order to achieve my goals. There will be setbacks, I'm sure of. But I am certain that no matter the size of the obstacle I'm faced with, no matter what happens, no matter how high the mountain to climb, I will aim at the moon and beyond. I am just getting started. It is so good to be alive.
In a matter of weeks, perhaps a few months, I will see myself published and in pursuit of a career as a writer which has always been my longtime dream.

Challenges ahead

Now that mother is traveling to Colombia, I have to plan ahead and eliminate some unnecessary expenses such as cable and perhaps one of the two cellular lines. I’ll have to put some overtime at work and save a specific amount of money weekly. The lines of communication regarding these issues should be frequented and revised by the major income providers at me, mainly speaking Isabel and me. Vangelis will have to be able to take care of little Esteban some of the time, and for that if there is no television and no Internet and a disciplinary implementation on the works. Cut down on his recreational time and have them do some of the chores that his mother takes on once she’s back from work. It is unfair to have him lazily and unproductively wandering around. Time for some tough measures: critical times call for critical measures.

Do The Evolution

We may regard a song as an insignificant source of influence, but there’s no doubt in my mind that our character will lead us to like those songs closer to our self-image. We should all know by now that self-image is always evolving, that we either grow out of the ridiculous limiting notions and move on to more provocative mental images of ourselves or else perish alive, turning into walking corpses. However, we may keep around the same friends, engage in similar familiar situations and play things relatively safe. Not that we won’t succumb to sin from time to time but our lives become rather monotonous and dull instead. This won’t take another analysis in depth, as to why the existential journey has led us to where we are. That should take another chapter.
Instead, I like to believe that empowerment begins with tastes. We’re supposed to grow out of our boring jeans, the same shaving cream and cologne, burn fat, eradicate limitations of any sort, crush dependency, and help others fend for themselves. In the process, our tastes must be refined constantly. What are we if not creatures of vanity? Life is vanity, and life demands a contagiously positive energy and people a lot less attention than commonly paid. Even the music I listen to nowadays, it is more colorful and alive, more optimistic too. I need to be surrounded by currents of high energy whether it is through meeting strangers (what can be more challenging?), strengthening our sacred bonds (relationships, commitments, goals), have our cake and eat it. Oh but of course it is only possible to have it both ways. Couples do not need to part ways; what they’re in need of is reinventing themselves over and find alternate solutions to their conflicts. If that isn’t feasible due to irreconcilable differences, then happily decide to wish the best for each other and go your own ways. Whatever you decide, do it and start living as of right now!
In my old collection, very little music was truly "happy", instead I had analytical, cold, dark themes, rock and not much you could dance to. Self-loathing, arena rock themes, Guns and Roses, Metallica, Pink Floyd, The Doors, Aerosmith, Nine Inch Nails, and on the happier side U2, Radiohead, Bon Jovi. In the Spanish front, Andrés Calamaro (since the time he was part of Los Rodríguez), Los Prisioneros, Café Tacvba, Rubén Blades, and so much romantic music that will just make me sick with boredom now. Out of it all, I must have deleted most of the songs and leave most significant ones of each. Still though I had more than seven hundred original albums in compact disc and even if two or three songs were picked out of every one of them, that would be the equivalent of more than sixteen hundred songs. That was roughly my calculations when I discovered that the two or three song rule did not always apply. For instance, how could I diminish anything from Pink Floyd’s The Wall? In the end, a good couple of thousand songs made it to the ipod. That left me with space enough for another five thousand songs more. I will make it my job to have that amount be full of positive and heartfelt music to rival the depressing legacy of my teens and early twenties. By the end of my twenties, my taste had become more worldly, still predominantly obscure. (And I agree, not just in music but also literature, the darker the better. Still, though, it is easy to be seduced by the voices of doom. What compels us isn’t. What we idealize, we must make an effort if we are to achieve it. Otherwise, glory will be just as common as toothpaste.
Up to now, a great army of more carnal and chauvinistic, funky, down-right fun or silly songs, two good thousand of them, are in place. Anything that makes me want to move or meditate or inspire to set fire to tired mental infrastructures, bring the walls of subconscious down. Charles Wright’s Express Yourself is playing. I calculate that one in every three songs is gloomy and rarely gets to be played. I just get up and change it. Unless, of course, I want to briefly reminisce instances long gone. (Hardly likely.)

No es lo mismo

The idea continues and more invigorated still as to how I feel. Though very few setbacks, I am every passing moment closer to the individual I’ve envisioned. Next step is to save money and for that I’ve been having breakfast home and taking lunch to work. Also, I’ve so rarely use my bank card and I spend a lot less, in fact a fraction of what I used to. This month’s rent was sent out and mother has been helpful. Sooner than I think, we’ll move out. I’ve opened an investment accounts, a well-balanced portfolio considering allocation. To start off, I set aside five-hundred dollars and was left with almost zero in my account. But I will save a hundred dollars weekly along with Isabel which will give us a total of four-hundred biweekly. At that speed, soon we’ll have enough to put aside the amount needed to move out and enough saved to give the down payment for a small cozy place in Dominican Republic. We have no plans of owning anything in the United States for now. In a not too distant future, we may shift from that perspective. Now that her legal status is solved, as she happens to have a husband and a son citizens, no doubt in time everything will be sorted favorably. Once that happens (within a few months, half a year the most), I will put her and my stepson, along with little Esteban, as dependents. The payoff will be enough to put the downpayment for a property, wherever that might be. Meanwhile, we'll be saving and edifying other forms of income as well as invest in higher education on my part and a certified career for her. I showed her how much will such education cost us: less than a thousand dollars for the nurse assistant course and exam, and another few hundreds for English. She needs to better herself and therefore be more fluent in English. She speaks Spanish, and that's always a plus. As for me, well, let's just say that I have far more ambitious plans of which I won't speak a word.
I’ve spoken with my mother as well as my sister back in Colombia about the possibility of buying a cool apartment in Barranquilla. Both properties (Dominican Republic and Colombia) will amount to less than taxation from a single residence here in the States. I’ve also mentioned to Isabel the prospect of embarking on a college degree and for her to take up a vocational career in the very least. Maybe she doesn’t feel too sure for now but I’ll inspire her to go for it by strengthening our vows (buy her a wedding ring, cut going out so much, etc) and completely eradicating her doubts. Of course, she’ll have to do her part too. She’ll have to be enthusiastic or create enthusiasm.

Dog with rabies

The idea is to continue in this path and what a great thing is to listen to self-improvement material on a daily basis. There’s just so much negativity around that you kind of borrow it as a mantra. A lot of times, we find ourselves positive with high levels of energy and then we come across a nagger or a complainer and then our energy is somewhat dragged, no matter how hard we try to remain positive it is harder if those we come into contact with day in and day out are stubborn and bent on feeling bad. The best way to deal with people or situations like those is to avoid them altogether. It is such a gorgeous day outside that maybe it has an optimistic effect on us all. At least, it does with me. And from now on, I will attempt and deliver more than ever before.
The plan is simple. The execution, however, will take a great effort because it has to be accepted by Isabel who always seems to be trapped in a frustrated state. Understandably, since plans have come to a standstill lately what with all of the challenges we face. But her state of mind will not bother me. She will comply once she sees me determined to bring those plans with fruition. She is nagging constantly and by dealing with her in a way that does not affect my own state of mind; it subconsciously prepares me for the better if I happen to come across people with bad humor. Not everyone who succumbs to such poor states of being or mood are always mean and unappreciative to those around; in fact, people tends to really unravel their own misery and propagate it better with those they’re fairly acquainted with: friends, family, etc. The problem is, we end up trying to change their ways or questioning their behavior or adopting their moods, and it becomes a miserable cycle in which only frustration is the plausible outcome. Instead, forget them and focus on your own journey. You’re not the result of other people’s point of view and you don’t have to borrow their misery. Don’t become heir to their drama. Move on and do as you would with a dog you know is infected with rabies.

The Reconstruction

I will now better myself as a conscious choice and though consciousness really plays no part in evolution (we can see this fact in that we do things we do without thinking about doing them, sort of like a spontaneous resolution whether they’re good or bad to us). I’ll recreate my own reality by publishing a book in a matter of weeks (instead of months); I will then promote it every chance I get. I will go back to the club scene for a little while and talk in that book about every aspect of my life. I will continue to exercise as I have done so lately, and lose ten pounds of fat and change my diet for good. I will surround myself with more positive people and situations and recreationally enjoy myself at times. Go out, party, and seldom smoke. No need to become a monk all of a sudden. Instead, I’ll focus on moving out of the mess I live in and divorce myself from the things I’ve been engaged with. We’re never the same person twice; in a little while I’ll be a thousand fold stronger and clearer than presently. I will eat healthier and talk less and confront fears more often and realize that this is the only life I’ve got so I might as well make the very best of it.
Isabel, whom I love dearly, is just so damn negative. I've got to help her be more independent than she is right now because now her destiny is linked with my son's, who strangely happens to be the person I love the most in the entire world. However, I can't possibly think that my life's joy should be restricted as a consequence of having a son. I'll go back to school eventually, and finish a degree in Social Science, by my mid-thirties. In part, because my son will be proud to have had a positive impact on me (which he has).

Inner thoughts and struggles

What are the fears surrounding your departure from Isabel? I fear she will be heartbroken and lonely, and her anxiety will triple, and her mood will reach new lows. I fear that she won’t be able to cope and my baby will suffer as a consequence. I fear Vangelis will be left to be as undisciplined as never before. I fear I will be alone in the world. I will miss them. I will feel selfish after Isabel has given me the best in the world, a beautiful and healthy baby, having deserted her when she most needs me. I feel my family will be against it since it will mean that Esteban will not be close to us. After all, she’s his mother and kids go where moms go.
PLAUSIBLE SOLUTIONS: Logically, Isabel will suffer and you will suffer as well if the separation becomes a reality. But the more you sit around and wait for the inevitable, the more pain that will be accumulated and the more you’ll both suffer in the end. The real question is not whether you guys will suffer but what will you guys suffer for. Being apart from her will signify a personal growth on your behalf and maybe later on with a clearer mind you guys can go back together if things apart don’t work out. But do so as a conscious choice and not out of need and dependency. Yes, the baby will suffer if you allow it, not if you stick by the principles of sanity which demand that we first make ourselves happy in order to spread happiness all around. How can you make him the reason to be stuck in a relationship that no longer functions? Work on the relationship by taking her out, buying her a thoughtful gift here and there and making time to strengthen the family bond. Take them out and spend time together. Challenge yourself by being the person you can now be and stop complaining so much about the things you can’t achieve right now. Instead of thinking yourself stuck in a hole, make plans to fix the things that are under your power to implement as of now. Exercise again, eat healthier, write with a lot more discipline as of now, cancel cable, save more, pay your bills on time and look for a place to start anew. Later on you can worry all you want about living the single’s life which is really not nearly as satisfying as it is believed and more troublesome than your imagination paints it.

Mother's adventures in the Big Apple

My mother’s idea of protection is blind submissiveness. In other words, she thinks that since so and so is a son or a daughter of hers, then all behaviors are acceptable. That sure is a way of raising loud-mouth and abusive kids. Paola, my sister, may not see it. In fact, she may have at her disposition all her wits and cleverness to see just what her eyes want. We all have, to an extent, such mechanism. We all, more or less, think that we’re right in doing what we do and that there is no other way of being aside from the way we adopted to be.
Everything we think or hold for true is vaguely so. Knowledge is an illusion: it is just a matter of time to prove a theory wrong or, better yet, to surpass it and implant in its place a much brighter and dynamic one. How boring things would be otherwise, that is, if perfectation were truly attainable. Hence, we can perpetually strive to be better. The thing is, as individuals, we tend to be very good at some things and not so good at others. Some are great gardeners, others painters, and many architects. We all do what we find pleasure in doing and our habits reflect just that. If something has given us results in the past, then we continually reinforce such behavior.
Paola was a whiner and it brought her results. Mom would just love the way in which her little one would complain and many times yield to her demands. A quarter of a century later, she still does. Instead of molding her, not allowing her to mistreat her in every other phone conversation they have, mother defends her blindly and mildly. It is the same thing mother does with her other protégée, Laura, an abandoned daughter of a brother of hers who was put under mom’s wing at a very tender age.
We had our verbal altercations over it. But since I understand that the effort to learn and adapt is ever so great, one ought to give up completely on anything not worth our time. And changing my mother’s ways is one of those things.
Let’s review simple examples: my mother thinks I’m evil for not including her in my plans to move. In other words, she wants to come and live with me and she makes it a given that such is the case without even considering talking to me about. How does she imply so? Well, simply put, she’d be rambling about one thing and another and then in between sentences add something like: “When we move together” or “As long as there’s a little room where I can camp.” Have I told her anything about it? Yes, on a couple of occasions, I have calmly stated that yes, mom, I love you and all but the idea of you and I and my wife and my wife’s first marriage kid and my own kid moving in together doesn’t sound too bright to me. Not because I don’t care for you but because I simply have a plan of my own. I mean, after all, is my life. I guess I have a saying on it. Don’t I? She’d cry on those two occasions, call me evil and threaten to tell my sister back in Colombia that I am a heartless beast (or some other mythological and demonized creature) and then a day or two later go about saying the same thing: we’re moving together and that is that.
I stopped trying to tell her. Let her think whatever she wants.
It’s not that I don’t feel for her. I do. I help her in whatever way I can. But if I’m not mistaken, the idea was for her to move in with my sister Paola, who lives in Miami. And after Paola made all the runs and put in the requested leg-work and money to bring her here, my mother simply refuses to go live with her. Paola still harasses her over it every single conversation they have.
I don’t want any part of it.

Vacation report

Frustration, I got just the remedy: let it all through the written word. So, let’s shoot indiscriminately, for one I’m under pain, toothache, to be more precise. A molar pain can be one of the worst of all regular pains. It surpasses headaches (in fact, it is a cause for headaches); it is far more painful than anything I can think of, except maybe a grown-in nail. With a high tolerance for pain, I managed well. Besides, a mix of toothache paste and Motrin IB can send the pain into oblivion. Unfortunately, for many other pains which involve people, as in Sartre’s analogy of hell, well, it is far more complex. Enter my sister, who is such a poor host. Being that we will be here in her house for a few days, she spends the time trying to instill in us her way of life. This is our vacation; for one, we’d like to spend time outside any personal philosophy. I counter, of course, with indifference, aggression, passivity, insistence, persistence to no effect. She is just so self-absorbed and as selfishness has it, she can’t see it.
I will gladly elaborate just to be fair. We had just landed and were picked up by her snobby husband who mockingly inquired about my aviophobia and distastefully joked about poverty being his only fear, as a way of rubbing in his financial achievements and our poor choices. I remember listening as if he had said anything at all which is the way one ought to do in those circumstances: ignore them long and effortlessly enough and they will eventually vanish into indifference. What I did notice was that ambitious people have a way of linking everything to money and an irrational fear of scarcity that sometimes works against them. Wealth is something that all the riches in the world can’t compete with and a wise wealthy man once said that the key to financial success was gratitude. His demeanor, his tonality, are of someone who underestimates the intellectual capacities of his counterparts and proceeds as if those around really were acute to his bouts of arrogance. My sister spends most of her time harassing him, following on his steps, or maybe just wanting to make him part of everything she wants to do. Without a doubt, the guy is actually a motivated and diligent soul who has managed to acquire more in less time than anyone I came in contact with, and hence can be quite prickly at it. It’s not that he has no reason to be so but more to the effect of a beautiful woman displaying a conceited attitude: no matter how beautiful she can be the fact that she shows arrogance signals to an insecurity of some kind. Men who are truly successful in a few skills often show this sort of insecurity: they see the world around as an extension of their ambitions and can only serve to please their limited beliefs. Arrogance is a sign of insecurity, a flaw in character.
Back to my sister: where to begin? She can be so displeasing, and naturally that may work with the low self-esteem kind. Truly, I advised her on the spot: with that attitude you will lose all you have fought so hard for. You will surround yourself with people who either needs you somehow or are dependent on you somehow, and that is not the best kind of people. Also, she’s not the least bit interested in making any amendments to her way of being. Her attitude is that if I knew any better, I would be better by now. And since I’m not financially successful or share her own views on life, then I’m in no position to speak. Of course, she can be so sweet if she wants to. But mostly, she is igniting fires and then calmy asking you for a glass of water. It is as if she constantly remain on the border of anger, instigating and irritating those around her, and then like nothing had happened. Sad but true.

We take hours just to get ready to go to the beach. Since we first got here, she's been promising me to take me to party, and even though my pain has avoided me from insisting, the whole thing comes down simply because she wants to simultaneously please me, her husband, herself, and look good at it. Tonight, I have resolved to go out. She said it was because of my molar pain, but the reality is that anything throws her off. A couple of nights ago, in front of a nearby nightclub, her husband said he was not going to pay ten miserable dollars to get in. And yet, once we found ourselves the next day walking South Beach, he insisted on climbing on board a ship that navegated around the area and the charge was seventeen dollars a head. I went for a stroll solo after buying myself a cowboy hat to go along with the boots, anchored myself on an open air bar, and asked for a drink. I sat with my back to the bar and sipped off my long-neck glass, shades and careless attitude on; three girls sat right beside me, too young for my taste but nonetheless fashionable and cute alike. Since my plan was to drink a beer or two and then go back to joining my tumultous family, I simply ignored them.

Isabel asked for a Mojito, and politely, I asked my sister's mother-in-law if she wanted anything to drink; as I spoke, I knelt to her level and tilted my head lightly, as I gave her a taste of my own drink. She dissuaded me, claiming she didn't like the sweetness of mixed drinks. Too bad men tend to be so physical and rarely extend themselves to the veteran women: there's a world of wisdom to unearth there; gentlelike allurement and dalliance is what I exhort, something I practice to great lengths with all sorts of women: mothers, sisters, grandmothers, strangers, infants, teenagers, rich, poor, etc. Without as much as a thought, I want to make those around me as comfortable as possible, and punish them with indifference if need be. I bought a juice drink for my niece (her daughter) and then her drive to compete was set off and a little while later she asked if Isabel wanted another drink. Isabel looked at me, and I approved enthusiastically, just to cover up. By then, the pain in my molar was unbearable so a little while later we left. No mention of going out yet again this evening was made, so I did not insist on it. I went to bed with a single Tylenol PM pill.

On a conversation previous the trip, I told Paola that I was taking a precious pair of boots, and added: “I hope you take the good car. These boots were not made for walking” as an allusion to the famous song, and not surprisingly, she did not pick it up. Instead she moved on to say that she’d take both cars at which pointed I humorously interrupted her again: “Good. One for my boots and the other for us.”

Women revised

You glance back and suddenly Maria doesn’t ring any romantic bells anymore. Neither does Crystal. Suddenly, I find living without the things that we obsess about is possible. Our minds make things seem more powerful than us, social situations that cause anxiety, personal demons; girls once thought to possess the answer to all of my existential ailments no longer pose a threat to me. Sad that I invested so much energy in something as plentiful, and in no way I’m being dismissive or arrogant about it of the complexities involved in it. We men struggle throughout our lives with the authoritative mother figure; as children we succumb eventually to the notion that in order to get what we want, first we need to behave. And then, having no other conscious models, we subconsciously deal with the opposite sex with the same conflicted and unsolved manner used with our mothers. That is probably why, as I’ve said often, many men go from a maternal to a conjugal dependency. They haven’t truly dealt with their internal issues.
Thing is, and I uncovered it late, men are such proud and obstinate creatures. Their ego gets in the way of their best intentions. They’d never want to be caught following advice from another man even if it’s in their best interest. The never-ask-for-directions complex, I assume. Perhaps this is where I link insecurity and ego, and hence the true nature of confidence: our ego is an animalistic part of us and by no means would I suggest getting rid of it. Go around it, if you will, leave it aside for now and concentrate on the issue at hand. Women can detect on the spot what will take me a few hundred pages to explain to the average male.
Take a step back, no rush. Since our nature is so competitive, it makes sense that a reward and punishment mechanism is at play. I know, you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. Well, neither did I. But reassuringly enough, I’ll put in simpler terms: The main reasons we fail with women are: A) We would never admit to needing anything, let alone recognize as a failure our approach to women; B) All is about competition when it comes to us, so we see sex and women linked together as in means of domination and acquisition; C) We’re too sexual way too early; D) We don't know the first thing about body language; the list goes on and on.

A) ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS: Asking for directions doesn't make us any less a man. And it's not just the asking part; I, for one, used to hide the fact that I was reading material on self-improvement. We don't know how much we fear something until it stares us in the eye and then we realize that we are, well, more afraid than we thought. So, in not asking for directions, you're caving in to your fear. Fear should be handled like a hostage situation: you don't run away from it. You work with it in the most serene and positive manner possible.

B) PRIME FOR THE COMPETITION: Nothing wrong with our competitive nature but you probably heard that old saying too much of a good thing, well... What is it, then? Why not be so competitive? Dealing with women, you never stop the competition... let's just say that the competition then becomes far more complex. It's a mind game. That is why some it the game. You stupidly compete when you keep a number of your conquests, for instance or when you get all charged up about the idea of taking a woman out, or you decide to invest your whole energy on impressing her. Stop! Relax! The key to women is to remain unaltered by their presence, as you rarely see the average man has trouble keeping his cool in front of them. By "cool", I mean the iceberg kind. Deal with them like you would if it was someone you knew for a long time but add to the mix humor and feel truly comfortable in your own skin. How you feel will determine everything. How should you feel then? Not anxious, just unimpressed, somewhat indifferent. To be ahead of the competition, you should be willing to have something no other male has... a realization that you know what she wants... which is... pretty simple... being able to be comfortable around you.

C) TOO SEXUAL: Why is it that we think and even obsess about something we spend less than 1% of our lives doing? Hell, we spend more time brushing (in our modern times, that is) than actually doing the "dirty" deeds. So, why do we stress it as much? It's often the things we think too much about that we end up rarely coming around to fulfill. The pressure on our shoulders is so great that just a simple interaction can go terribly wrong. The slightest sign of nervousness can make things go awry. We have no control over others and yet how they respond to us has a lot to do with our behavior; instead of trying too hard, try less. Like whenever you want to find a misplaced item, you stress over where you left it and often times you find it when you least expect it. Stressing the sexual issue, playing sex jokes, gender-oriented teasing, will not get you far with the opposite sex. Not being able to look them in the eye and be completely indifferent, as if you were too busy on something other, is what keeps you apart from being surrounded by a sea of women at any given time. Leave the sexual agenda off the table for now, and concentrate on anything else, the weather, a piece of clothing of hers, the particular day or whatever it is taking place.

D) ON BODY LANGUAGE: Your eyes are your most precious weapon. The idea is not to stare, but to show her that you are capable of looking straight into her eyes. Do this until she takes hers away. Another thing is, your posture. Stand up straight, don't slouch. Hygiene, too, goes into body language. You need to be extremely careful with your appearance, have the freshest breath, clean nails, be well rested, exercise. It's not that difficult.

Assertiveness

Hello, the truth is I didn’t disappear. As for those of you faithful readers, I have good news. My evolution is on. I've managed to pay back my college tuition at Audrey Cohen. I may end up with enough money saved to pursue a higher education and enroll in a career full time next year. I continue to pursue my dream of becoming a self-published author. I will be taking courses on personal development this summer: swimming and playing guitar. I keep getting monthly interviews with David D. I’ve undertaken the task of reading a huge manual of information on human sexuality, entitled Sex: A Man’s Guide (Stefan Bechtel, Laurence Roy Stains, main authors). I’ve broadened my musical horizons. It’s playing now and it will continue to flow until well after I’m done here Back to the voices inside my head: I listen to the ones with balls. I will go on a trip at work to Great Adventure. I will face my irrational fear of roller-coasters. It would be ideal if I find a gorgeous client and let her take me. I could play the child for a little while. Until, that is, she acts childish. Then I take it all back. Either my authority will be restored or I walk. A dictator, I am. It’s me looking from up here and taking care of you, opening doors, listening to your mindless and incessant chattering, oblivious to your shifting moods and tending to your needs. Making sure is okay for you to cross the street, guide you to your seat in the car, make sure you are taken care of. Not in a courteous manner but in a relaxed display of masculinity and assuming the role of being the man. She secretly wants you to. Your job is not to please her. It’s to reward her as is accordingly suitable to her behavior. In other words, if she behaves, then throw her a bone. Think of her as a child you’re traveling along with. You joke, you reprimand, you ignore, you pay attention to. The most import thing to realize is that not just girls but everyone will respect you by the respect you show them and yourself. It’s not arrogance; the arrogant type seeks approval at a more complex level, in essence the arrogant type is, deep down inside, insecure. The assertive type: you initiate things, and back down from anything that seems to be either too boring or unnecessarily difficult. Don’t back down from challenges; always be willing to run the risk to walk on the thin line. Girls will appreciate you for it. Don’t take with you any romantic agendas. Don’t be too sexual or straight-forward. Give them plenty of space, forget yourself (actually, the shy are not noble interesting creatures, commonly quite the contrary, they are self-absorbed and incapable of letting go of themselves and marveling on the presence of another) and immerse in them. They’re warm, loving creatures. The problem is, we often miss that. We’re eagerly seeking to satisfy our need for closure that we fail to see them as what they are: the opposite sex. They choose more carefully, as they are only capable of carrying a single man’s genes at a time. No woman can be naturally inseminated by two different males. Being pregnant is no easy task, it means they will need a reliant lover by her side. Testosterone, we produce oh so much more than them. It’s what makes us man and also nonstop horny. The thing is, our approach. We tend to be too sweet and straight-forward. This is child’s play. You’re a man. Keep your distance, show interest but don’t give yourself away just yet. Forget yourself, let go and flush away all insecurities. It should feel like a release, not a rehearsal. You rehearse in your mind the routines: possible scenarios, ways of distinguishing yourself from the rest, maybe keeping your mouth shut and keeping the eye-contact. Relax and be unemotional, unaffected, completely calm. Don’t be soft, though. Like a knife, if not handled properly, can cut. Be indifferent to the arrogant kind. It’s what makes them become earthly. Let’s go stir things up a bit tonight.

Deviant tastes

I told her to call me in case she needed anything. She nodded downwards, avoided my eyes and whispered sadly to forget her. “Okay” I said and without hesitation headed out the door. As I exited the house, I looked back and felt an urge to run back to her. But I didn’t give in. Instead I acknowledged how powerful rejection can be. Trying to rationalize things too much is of no use; strength is mostly the result of being able to withstand the passage of time and swallow the blow. Allow it in, let it unravel and manifest in weird ways, listen to music, smoke, drink, call friends and family you haven’t seen or talked to in a long time. Getting over the things that pop in and out of our mind requires patience. If we are able to handle our way, and heal in quietude, then we’re worth someone else’s time. Don’t overcrowd them. Give them space always. Sometimes, though, abandon all reason and go in search of madness. A real man makes no excuses for his desire and always takes full responsibility for his behavior.
We had a great time. A time that was full of rage, resentment, jealousy, tenderness, rebellion, kinkiness, all the result of deviant tastes.