Challenges ahead

Now that mother is traveling to Colombia, I have to plan ahead and eliminate some unnecessary expenses such as cable and perhaps one of the two cellular lines. I’ll have to put some overtime at work and save a specific amount of money weekly. The lines of communication regarding these issues should be frequented and revised by the major income providers at me, mainly speaking Isabel and me. Vangelis will have to be able to take care of little Esteban some of the time, and for that if there is no television and no Internet and a disciplinary implementation on the works. Cut down on his recreational time and have them do some of the chores that his mother takes on once she’s back from work. It is unfair to have him lazily and unproductively wandering around. Time for some tough measures: critical times call for critical measures.

Do The Evolution

We may regard a song as an insignificant source of influence, but there’s no doubt in my mind that our character will lead us to like those songs closer to our self-image. We should all know by now that self-image is always evolving, that we either grow out of the ridiculous limiting notions and move on to more provocative mental images of ourselves or else perish alive, turning into walking corpses. However, we may keep around the same friends, engage in similar familiar situations and play things relatively safe. Not that we won’t succumb to sin from time to time but our lives become rather monotonous and dull instead. This won’t take another analysis in depth, as to why the existential journey has led us to where we are. That should take another chapter.
Instead, I like to believe that empowerment begins with tastes. We’re supposed to grow out of our boring jeans, the same shaving cream and cologne, burn fat, eradicate limitations of any sort, crush dependency, and help others fend for themselves. In the process, our tastes must be refined constantly. What are we if not creatures of vanity? Life is vanity, and life demands a contagiously positive energy and people a lot less attention than commonly paid. Even the music I listen to nowadays, it is more colorful and alive, more optimistic too. I need to be surrounded by currents of high energy whether it is through meeting strangers (what can be more challenging?), strengthening our sacred bonds (relationships, commitments, goals), have our cake and eat it. Oh but of course it is only possible to have it both ways. Couples do not need to part ways; what they’re in need of is reinventing themselves over and find alternate solutions to their conflicts. If that isn’t feasible due to irreconcilable differences, then happily decide to wish the best for each other and go your own ways. Whatever you decide, do it and start living as of right now!
In my old collection, very little music was truly "happy", instead I had analytical, cold, dark themes, rock and not much you could dance to. Self-loathing, arena rock themes, Guns and Roses, Metallica, Pink Floyd, The Doors, Aerosmith, Nine Inch Nails, and on the happier side U2, Radiohead, Bon Jovi. In the Spanish front, Andrés Calamaro (since the time he was part of Los Rodríguez), Los Prisioneros, Café Tacvba, Rubén Blades, and so much romantic music that will just make me sick with boredom now. Out of it all, I must have deleted most of the songs and leave most significant ones of each. Still though I had more than seven hundred original albums in compact disc and even if two or three songs were picked out of every one of them, that would be the equivalent of more than sixteen hundred songs. That was roughly my calculations when I discovered that the two or three song rule did not always apply. For instance, how could I diminish anything from Pink Floyd’s The Wall? In the end, a good couple of thousand songs made it to the ipod. That left me with space enough for another five thousand songs more. I will make it my job to have that amount be full of positive and heartfelt music to rival the depressing legacy of my teens and early twenties. By the end of my twenties, my taste had become more worldly, still predominantly obscure. (And I agree, not just in music but also literature, the darker the better. Still, though, it is easy to be seduced by the voices of doom. What compels us isn’t. What we idealize, we must make an effort if we are to achieve it. Otherwise, glory will be just as common as toothpaste.
Up to now, a great army of more carnal and chauvinistic, funky, down-right fun or silly songs, two good thousand of them, are in place. Anything that makes me want to move or meditate or inspire to set fire to tired mental infrastructures, bring the walls of subconscious down. Charles Wright’s Express Yourself is playing. I calculate that one in every three songs is gloomy and rarely gets to be played. I just get up and change it. Unless, of course, I want to briefly reminisce instances long gone. (Hardly likely.)

No es lo mismo

The idea continues and more invigorated still as to how I feel. Though very few setbacks, I am every passing moment closer to the individual I’ve envisioned. Next step is to save money and for that I’ve been having breakfast home and taking lunch to work. Also, I’ve so rarely use my bank card and I spend a lot less, in fact a fraction of what I used to. This month’s rent was sent out and mother has been helpful. Sooner than I think, we’ll move out. I’ve opened an investment accounts, a well-balanced portfolio considering allocation. To start off, I set aside five-hundred dollars and was left with almost zero in my account. But I will save a hundred dollars weekly along with Isabel which will give us a total of four-hundred biweekly. At that speed, soon we’ll have enough to put aside the amount needed to move out and enough saved to give the down payment for a small cozy place in Dominican Republic. We have no plans of owning anything in the United States for now. In a not too distant future, we may shift from that perspective. Now that her legal status is solved, as she happens to have a husband and a son citizens, no doubt in time everything will be sorted favorably. Once that happens (within a few months, half a year the most), I will put her and my stepson, along with little Esteban, as dependents. The payoff will be enough to put the downpayment for a property, wherever that might be. Meanwhile, we'll be saving and edifying other forms of income as well as invest in higher education on my part and a certified career for her. I showed her how much will such education cost us: less than a thousand dollars for the nurse assistant course and exam, and another few hundreds for English. She needs to better herself and therefore be more fluent in English. She speaks Spanish, and that's always a plus. As for me, well, let's just say that I have far more ambitious plans of which I won't speak a word.
I’ve spoken with my mother as well as my sister back in Colombia about the possibility of buying a cool apartment in Barranquilla. Both properties (Dominican Republic and Colombia) will amount to less than taxation from a single residence here in the States. I’ve also mentioned to Isabel the prospect of embarking on a college degree and for her to take up a vocational career in the very least. Maybe she doesn’t feel too sure for now but I’ll inspire her to go for it by strengthening our vows (buy her a wedding ring, cut going out so much, etc) and completely eradicating her doubts. Of course, she’ll have to do her part too. She’ll have to be enthusiastic or create enthusiasm.

Dog with rabies

The idea is to continue in this path and what a great thing is to listen to self-improvement material on a daily basis. There’s just so much negativity around that you kind of borrow it as a mantra. A lot of times, we find ourselves positive with high levels of energy and then we come across a nagger or a complainer and then our energy is somewhat dragged, no matter how hard we try to remain positive it is harder if those we come into contact with day in and day out are stubborn and bent on feeling bad. The best way to deal with people or situations like those is to avoid them altogether. It is such a gorgeous day outside that maybe it has an optimistic effect on us all. At least, it does with me. And from now on, I will attempt and deliver more than ever before.
The plan is simple. The execution, however, will take a great effort because it has to be accepted by Isabel who always seems to be trapped in a frustrated state. Understandably, since plans have come to a standstill lately what with all of the challenges we face. But her state of mind will not bother me. She will comply once she sees me determined to bring those plans with fruition. She is nagging constantly and by dealing with her in a way that does not affect my own state of mind; it subconsciously prepares me for the better if I happen to come across people with bad humor. Not everyone who succumbs to such poor states of being or mood are always mean and unappreciative to those around; in fact, people tends to really unravel their own misery and propagate it better with those they’re fairly acquainted with: friends, family, etc. The problem is, we end up trying to change their ways or questioning their behavior or adopting their moods, and it becomes a miserable cycle in which only frustration is the plausible outcome. Instead, forget them and focus on your own journey. You’re not the result of other people’s point of view and you don’t have to borrow their misery. Don’t become heir to their drama. Move on and do as you would with a dog you know is infected with rabies.

The Reconstruction

I will now better myself as a conscious choice and though consciousness really plays no part in evolution (we can see this fact in that we do things we do without thinking about doing them, sort of like a spontaneous resolution whether they’re good or bad to us). I’ll recreate my own reality by publishing a book in a matter of weeks (instead of months); I will then promote it every chance I get. I will go back to the club scene for a little while and talk in that book about every aspect of my life. I will continue to exercise as I have done so lately, and lose ten pounds of fat and change my diet for good. I will surround myself with more positive people and situations and recreationally enjoy myself at times. Go out, party, and seldom smoke. No need to become a monk all of a sudden. Instead, I’ll focus on moving out of the mess I live in and divorce myself from the things I’ve been engaged with. We’re never the same person twice; in a little while I’ll be a thousand fold stronger and clearer than presently. I will eat healthier and talk less and confront fears more often and realize that this is the only life I’ve got so I might as well make the very best of it.
Isabel, whom I love dearly, is just so damn negative. I've got to help her be more independent than she is right now because now her destiny is linked with my son's, who strangely happens to be the person I love the most in the entire world. However, I can't possibly think that my life's joy should be restricted as a consequence of having a son. I'll go back to school eventually, and finish a degree in Social Science, by my mid-thirties. In part, because my son will be proud to have had a positive impact on me (which he has).