She is out with her friend, like she did on Friday; except Friday she was with them here when I came back from work, and then she headed out and I stayed with my baby boy until the next morning when she showed up. Now she went out on her own, to meet a girlfriend of hers. Since she's been here, she has been with her friends and this has allowed me more time with my boy.
My night off was Saturday, when she slept it off and stayed with the baby as I went about having my fun. Doing the things I love, music, a few drinks, a little smoke, all home. Oh, yeah, I briefly picked up the habit but now I am smoke free again. Hadn't had a cigarette in more than four years. But for some reason, reading the email correspondence she exchanged with a married man, convening to meet in his hotel for a drink. Of course, she denied it and of course, I didn't care more than the initial shock. Sort of like when you are startle by a sound, surprised by a sudden slap to the face. It hit because I saw what I had forgotten: the real reason she left was because she needed space to do the same thing she was doing before I came along, and it can't be easy with a child to raise. In her family's house, she has space, time to raise a child, attend online college, and go out from time to time. Who is to deny her that? I was never the domineering type she set me out to be; like any guy, I'd protect mine, not just let it all slide, and yeah, there episodes of jealousy on both sides, but I never said she was trying to control me, rarely got into her phone or email, even though I had complete access to it. And the few instances I did, I had unpleasant surprises. She found an email I had saved from years ago, not the first or the last of its kind, when at work a guy decided to use photos I've posted on MySpace and sent other people messages on Craigslist. She panicked. I've never been immune to gay pranks, targeted for no other reason than the fact that I am a tall, good-looking guy and, like many men, this causes jealousy among guys. Especially, since I get the girl, the only one thing they can attack me with is with false allegations to my sexuality, I explained to her. What sparked her suspicions was a post on Facebook by a co-worker who said, "I like big juicy fat cocks" on my wall. Bear in mind, I was with her at the time that happened, because I cannot imagine what would she have conceived of in the event I wasn't. Luckily, I was able to cool down but I didn't feel like going on a date. I thought nothing of it later; I did find who it was who posted. And I didn't take any vandetta against the guy, we work together and work is sacred. Days later she went through my emails, and found the one I had saved since the MySpace days, not knowing who had done that, I had kept it as evidence. Back then, I suspected another guy at work whom I had a physical altercation with for no reason other than he swinging at me first. I knocked the guy out. It was right outside my place of work, and I was lucky that I wasn't fired. The video was reviewed and it was my superior's decision that I had not been the aggressor. I cannot say for sure that guy was the one did it, but I am sure one of his friends, whom I shared computers with at work, probably had taken advantage of the fact that I always forget to log out and seeing the messages back and forth, I assumed once they found nothing of interest, they may have decided to play a stupid prank. It is what stupid people does. And so, when she found out that email, she panicked and I told her the truth. She insisted that was not the case, even though there was no evidence to the contrary. It's not like she walked in on me banging the shit out of another dude or anything, and in the countless emails I had amassed throughout the years, I had even forgotten that one. Of course, when things got really bad between us, and nothing that merited her packing and leaving with my son for good without saying a word, I had given her reason to go beyond reasonable doubt. According to her, she had decided to give me another chance but when if I had known she would've reacted the way she did, I would've done away with her. The lack of sex, the silly bickering and stress we were going through, I wanted to do away with all of it. I wanted her to go away. I started sleeping in the living room. I was sick of her being so concerned with my sexuality when she had stopped having sex with me since that incident. I couldn't possibly have sex with another girl being with her, even though I did go on a date with a girl who was crazy about having an affair with me. A girl I was dating right before I started dating her, a girl who had said on a Facebook message that she "needed to find another bossy Latin man because I was already taken." Women cannot be more direct than that. And that message she missed, or chose to. She read correspondence between me and another ex girl of mine, Gina. The girl is married and it was an innocent conversation that did not even qualify for a jealous episode, but that she did in her own private way. The conversation had been about psychotherapy, a field Gina had majored in college and Connie had suggested I needed a shrink, so it was a mixture of psychological tips, bitter loneliness and nothing more. It doesn't take much to spike a woman's jealousy, the mere fact that you're talking to another woman is enough. So revealing was the weekend she spent her with her friends, I wanted to hand her a taste of her own medicine, because for months she had sort of blackmailed me with the fact that she had forwarded the email in question. Initially, I thought nothing of it but then, out of desperation one night, right in front of a cousin of mine, I decided to give her ample reason to leave. I wrote not one but several more of those, and if I would've known it'd meant not being with my son, I would've probably not have done it. By then, I had secured my account but left it open long enough for her to find the treasure. She took the bait, and I am now glad, in a way, she did. If all it takes to get rid of someone who since day one has been planning on deserting you, I shouldn't have delayed or pause my life in doing so. If she wants to tell everyone about them, go ahead. The fact is, even if I were gay, or bisexual or pansexual, it is not reason enough to take my son away. What she did, she did because she knew well how much it'd hurt me. She did it out of desperation, I know, because I had been desperate, too. And I know, though it hurts, it was probably for the best. Because up until very recently, I was naively thinking, well it's just a phase, she'd come out of it, we'll work things out. Then I saw: she had started dating as soon as April, she had said repeatedly to her friend (but not to me, she hasn't led me on, she has not said anything to the contrary, she's been rather neutral for appearances) that she was no longer in love with me and that I was trying still to get back together. Of course, you're the bad guy for trying, and she feels somehow on a pedestal because of being able to crush someone's attempts at happiness with you. The fact is, she never had a relationship like the one we had, she was probably sick of it, we got pregnant too early in the relationship, and I cannot blame her for it.
I wasn't straight with her. I lied about having had a vasectomy, and with lies of this nature it takes two to tango. She even resented the fact that we may not have kids in the end. Even though I always wanted to have another child, never did I conceive that it'd happen with her. Most of the time, I'd ejaculate out, we went through boxes of condoms, and if it wasn't for a mini vacation on South Beach, we would've probably never made this beautiful baby of ours. We were so in love, and I do not regret having had a baby with, but she did initially thought about not having it, we were very close to not having it. I pushed it because maybe yeah I wanted to be a father but I never took into consideration that, here too, it takes two to tango. I was selfish and I was irresponsible, and I am willing to admit that much; but I won't ever regret having lied about it because it gave me something far more beautiful than I had anticipated. Sex may not have been an important part thereafter, so I never for a second thought that she had stopped having sex with me because she was pregnant or because she thought I wasn't straight, but because she always resented me lying to her about my fertility. Initially, I thought, like she told me, that her sex drive had diminished, and I waited for seven weeks after her delivery, as recommended by the doctor, but nothing. And it wasn't like I was trying, I wasn't as concerned with getting laid, I was more in the clouds with my newborn. Sex took the passenger's seat, if not the back seat.
I had said, sex is healthy and so long as you protect yourself, I don't really see the need for it to be seen as something other than what it is: a way to release stress, bond and feel good about yourself. Of course, she said I was "disgusting", and yet all along she was already dating and trying to hook up, and doing all the "disgusting" things she nagged about. All of the shady characters she's surrounded herself with, from friends (one is a professional pornstar and intimate escort) to lovers (among which was a cousin of mine, a guy who cheated on her with her best friend and only wanted to get a visa from her and whom trashed her place when she decided to break up with him, and a semi-serious relationship with an insignificantly-looking bisexual flight attendant who wanted to have an "open" relationship with her). She has shown more respect for that cousin of mine, whom she says she had to pay for in occasions while on dates with him, whom she helped with his resume, whom she ran to pick up the phone and call to explain why she had spent the night talking to an ex of hers while throwing our baby in my arms in order to do so. That's how shit started, with my cousin, a guy who has never come to visit me, or bought me a drink in his life (I have been good to him, no one who comes across the likes of me goes out of my life without feeling the extent of my generosity), a guy who came to different birthday parties and even my baby's baby shower without a gift, drank the Modelo beers I had saved for myself, that's the type of guy she shows respect for. I love my cousin, and I love her, but these are shady characters. So is her obscenely overweight gay boyfriend. Or her best friend who is "happily" married and from time to time comes to New York with the excuse to visit her in order to follow her real agenda of having an extra marital affair with a guy who half of the time doesn't even answer her calls, her excuse being her husband doesn't love her.
In principle, I understood but then again, being faced by the gruesome reality of her multiple affairs (she had accepted a married man's invitation to his hotel room, was dating someone at the time, and had said to a few friends that I was trying to solve things with her but that she just wasn't in love with me anymore. A few hours later, she'd ask who was the girl at the Ale house I was seeing, if I had really slept with seven girls in her absence (I knew she hadn't been an angel, and I am no saint, so why go there?) and I'd pretend to know nothing of it. They'd probably tell her stories, and she'd tell her side of the story as well, like I'm doing here.
Of course, to me it's fun when she has an episode of jealousy, and yeah mine have been significantly more pronounced and only because I rarely gave her a chance to feel jealous. I wanted her to feel secure, confident in that I would never cheat on her. I opened my bank and email accounts, and in both instances I was violated. That all may be in the past now, but the important thing is that we are civil. It takes time to build something, and the excuses she found to leave and the slandering and bickering, it took a toll on her more than me. I've never felt better, I'm even in touch with my feelings and shown it in these writings. Here I come to make sense of my world and yet even that she tried to censor. For a moment there, I almost obliged.
For one day, we talked about the things we faced ahead, she stood her ground and said she'd not come back to New York. I may have allowed myself to dream of the possibility of a life in her hometown. The problem is, the economy and my son Esteban; besides, I'd be sacrificing myself in a loveless nest. I rather take my chances, but I'll continue to shower her with attention and be open to the way she feels and not impose myself. I'm looking at it from a different perspective because the dynamic has shifted. Then I think of Esteban, and I think of how much that would shatter his mom's fragile spirit, and I may come to Buddhism's middle path: suggest she could come once in a while to come visit, and I'd go there once every a month. I need this more than she does. It has taken a toll on me not being with my baby boy, but I learnt to manage. It's not like I've been miserable, but not a day goes by that I don't think how much I'm missing. So, I go about overcompensating, taking tons of pics and video clips, posting just a few dozen of them and keep many more for me; I spend time holding him and playing with him.
Now Connie has left to see a friend of hers. It was a prior engagement she had, and I love just the thought of staying home alone with my kids. Friday night she came at the crack of dawn and the first rays of sun were lighting like sleepy hands the dark neutral corner of the room. I was holding my son, her firstborn, and I stared at this beautiful girl who had given me so much. I felt in debt. So, yeah, go and take all of the time you want, see the world and meet other men, I understand in time romance fades and only hard work is left of what was once all fun and games. We can't expect to love with the same tenacity we did in the initial stages of the relationship.
Just now, as I end this sentence, Connie shows up. She surprises me because I thought she'd spend more time. Like I did on my night off is what I was gonna say before she walked in. What I did was, go buy her buffalo wings, and I find a cousin and his best friend. Then another cousin comes in. We drink as I wait for the food, then another drink and then the food is ready and rushed home. Then I stayed there, listening to music and drinking, like I do myself. I was just so happy to have them back if only for a fraction in time.
I am still dreaming of it. I enjoy their company, and her madness, and my baby's personality. He's so vivid and fresh, untamed and engaging. He's loved, and we should all love each other or -at the very least -try to get along better with each other because we're in it for the long run. No, I do not want to change the way things are. I may want to still make further improvements.