Shape-shifter

The moment she says she’s leaving, I am thinking, “Is this time for real?” I should be thinking, “How many times has she said that before?” I do that too, but I know it’s in the back of her mind, she’s just being insecure. I need to reassure her, like I always do; I need to guide her, but she’s just so stubborn. I need to listen only to her actions: her relationship status’ still the same: we are still together, according to Facebook. And she’s probably not going anywhere. I need to take care of the things I haven’t taken care of as of now, and I have been very diligent. She’ll be home by the time I get there; she said so. Women will drive you to fortified wine. I cooked for her last night; we drank wine and it was just wild. I held her close, in my arms, I brushed her hair off her face, slept with my hand between her thighs, felt her heart race. I told her my dirtiest secret: I’m still married, I want to and will get divorced, I have moved mountains for you, I do not want to make the same mistake I made with Connie, I loved that girl too and I should’ve been divorced, it’s agreeable, so it will happen sooner rather than later. She was, clearly and understandably, upset, but I could sense a shift in her wrath. I told her I’d be home soon, I had to go to work and do a spectacular job. I need to raise my standards, do so in my relationship as well.

It bothers me she says that she’ll leave, just not as much as before. Women are like the seasons, their emotional states change from one day to the next. They’ll drive you to fortified wine if you let them. The trick is to remain slightly less emotional, centered but firm, back down and yet never bow down, unless of course the occasion merits it and never for long. They need our strength just as much as we need their sweetness. If you lose your cool, you lose, but you can’t help losing your head from time to time. Just like she has tolerated your bad behavior in the past, you need to forgive her fleeting state of mind, her volatile feelings, and her unsteady nature. She’s a woman and as such, she’s bound to fluctuate, she’ll say one thing and do another. You need to guide her, reassure her, or make her feel at home. Regardless of the outcome, always be a gentleman and never take her word for it. She’s a shape-shifter, one day she’s a rabbit just rumbling through the forest of your mind and another she’s a volcano erupting lava and burying the city of your serenity. Build again, scratch it off, don’t make a big deal out of nothing and get her flowers. Discipline her with love, don’t scream but be firm in dealing with her, let her feel you’re strong but also let her feel your love. 

Julian, I have never really left

Going through old pictures Courtney took out of her feed on Facebook, I find my boy, how much has he grown. He’s a full-blown toddler, and it seems like yesterday that I held a baby in my arms, and I look for unsung clues in the images depicted. I find him by the pool, shyly warming up to the water and I wonder if perhaps he’s in need of a male model, just as mothers smother us boys, we also need a father who inspires us to go out there and fight lions and zombies. I wonder if he misses me, if there are moments when my masculine aura could have shone over his first timid years of life and make him bolder, hungrier… I wonder if I haven’t become my father. I find I miss. I have never cried in my life the way I have for my boys. I want him to grow up healthy and so I climb on an airplane for him and go see him five times last year along. I can sense the warmth and smell the texture of unscathed love by those closest to him. His mother’s family isn’t like mine, they opened their home to her and offered her shelter when she felt desolate, a single mom who will earn a bachelor’s degree and has worked from home just so that she can be close to her baby boy. I loved that girl so much once that I did what I have done with everything I have ever loved before: I pushed her away. We were never meant to be, given our personal histories, our disparate personalities, and out of the mess of broken homes and ebriated nights and childhood wounds and silly fights, who would’ve thought such a marvelous creature would emerge? I can still close my eyes and see him come into this world, the day he was born, the temperature of the room, the bitter-cold weather outside, the trips to the nearby deli, the excitement and the sorrow, the adventure and the uncertainty, the moments of unspoken hatred I went through walking back home one night and not finding them there, and the immense love that I feel at any given moment. How much more I am willing to give, how little I am taking, how has my relationship with my older son evolved too because of it. I think of him by the pool and I see my boy, he has a father in me, through Google Hangouts, terrifyingly flying over and over again to see him, getting him diapers and cooking for him, I cannot wait until I hold him in my arms and tell him I have never really left.

Ego trip

Don't let your ego get in the way of your dick.

Bullies

The superpowers in the world are like big children. We should be led by men of science, commit ourselves to causes that pertain to the bettering of the human race, and even at that it sounds far fetch but if we look at the scientific community, they're not fighting one another, they're actually collaborating, they may have their disagreements but aren't solving problems with armed men, revolt, provocation. We are led by hooligans, wild wild west, happy-trigger men. Even President Obama, who was awarded the Peace Noble Price, who compared to his predecessor is far less dangerous, has the audacity to taunt the Russians who are bullies by nature, a society that prides themselves of being hard-asses, a failed and corrupt government that has nothing to lose and is more than willing to restore its wounded ego by doing precisely what it did so many times in the past. They gained nothing that couldn't have been solved on peaceful terms, rallied and bled in futile campaigns like the invasion of Afghanistan in which they'd gladly have their troops walk into ambushes and call it bravery.