So Much Nicer a Place

At first, I was flattered that a very dear person to me asked how things are. So, I did not reply right away. Not later, not ever... and of that has been more than a month. And to think that there was a time when she merited an immediate response, despite knowing no less than I know now; it is not the way to go about it. When we proceed to delay the gift and increase tension, playing the waiting game can be a double-edged sword. She´s on the other side of the world and politeness can make things awkward, especially since it's kind of weird to ask how things are, after not answering extended courtesies before. You can't suddenly resurface and find yourself still center place. Not that I do so with the intention of sparking an interest of sorts so far along the way. How much more potent a simple courtesy only a few months ago would've sufficed. Days gone by without nurturing the delicate fabric of an emotional bond can prove lethal. We squander the feast life's bestowed upon us and goose-chase the bread crumbs back to the cavernous path left behind. You can reason with the mind, but the heart you must wrestle. Dare to get lost, though you may not find yourself; dare to be silly, for you're dealing with fools, particularly when it comes to romance. Because even when we proceed too carefully we appear tentative in our approach, our deeply analyzed moves come across as suspect, our most calculated steps take much effort and may lead nowhere. Notice how the less articulated shoot their arrows indiscriminately, bow to no one, and once in an emerald-green moon hit bull's eye. With accumulative efforts and consistency, they do not pass on any opportunities and seize every moment to make a splash in shallow waters without finding it necessary to dive any deeper than that. 

It´s been ages and it kind of stayed in the past. It is good to move on, not dwell in things long gone; best to keep a prudent distance from the past. Romantically, that is. Sure, you may talk to that person and feel that later on, you may open up to the occasion; for now, it sends the message that the world doesn´t revolve around them. That it did not stop its rotation the day she took off. I know it may be rude but rudeness conveys an unmistakable loud and clear sound. It doesn´t deviate from the point. Rudeness, or the cold shoulder, work when nothing else does. Look, your time should be yours; you may engage others for a short while but also let them be to themselves. I have claimed my independence, I no longer feel the pull of heart, when you abandon reason and become slightly mad. That's love, in part.
It´s fun, no doubt. The rule, easier said than done, is rather simple: No drama. It´s difficult to follow, but the more serene states you mesh with through meditation, practicing no interference. In other words, abandon the notion of good and evil, and adopt a model of conduct that doesn't interfere with anything that is said or done. Everyone has their own opinions, dilemmas, living out the drama in their life because it is brazen and raw, it electrifies and thrills, and so we chase after intense feelings. Nothing like inflicting a little tension into the equation to get the result you want. A little chaos will shake the foundation of what is and give birth to a brand-new vision, a new day has come.

What am I to say? ¨Hey, things are great. You?¨ And then not get an answer in months. No, no. No. You inflict a little madness, how dare he not answer princess!? She´d have anyone at her mercy if she so much as desired it but not getting what she wants sends a shock through her system. Her survival depended on the ability to attract males and if one simply doesn´t find her attractive, well then her whole existence, in a primal sense, can be wiped out, erased. As men, we´re used to rejection. But women handle it very poorly and their sole irony is that they will never stop trying to control the man and feel letdown if it happens. She wants her man to be a man of his word and not a wuss who´d let her push him around. You convey this aura of invincibility with a mixture of attitude, strength, serenity, and boldness. You gotta be able to implement a course of action that will bring about the results you seek. It takes pain, anyway, you look at it: if you want to quit smoking or get fit. It takes effort. Human beings will avoid pain at all costs. But who exercises and feels pain? Of course, there´s pain involved, an exertion that demands your energy and will cause stress to your muscles and, in time, increase your stamina and might.
First, things are not great and in matters of the proverbial heart, a month can be an eternity. To women is easier than men, it seems, to move on: they have a whole network of support among friends, family, coworkers, and potential flings hiding in the mist. They're known to be like emotional baboons in not letting go of a branch without first having hold of another. Though they can move on faster than men, because they take time to grieve, time men spend on denial. It hurts and that´s that. You gotta have the stomach for it. Over time, you manage well, when you realize that the other person hurts too when your selfish pain is absolved through compassion. You suffer more because of your ego than all the physical wounds endured till thus. If you can't get down and dirty, stay away from romance. 
If you want a painless romance, then get an ugly girlfriend, become a bore, settle for less. Is that what you want? Keep challenging yourself and move on the way women do: they talk about it with loved ones, family, friends about their feelings and it helps them with the process of getting over us men. Men, we tend to deny anything is wrong, see nothing there, and be more one-dimensional creatures, to the point and that's that. What works best, we find, and that's the way we roll. Once we find another lover, the girl in the past usually takes a backseat in our memory, especially if she's on the other side of the world. We need someone here, now; you can't fuck a memory. 

Women, on the other hand, tend to fantasize about men in their past more than their male counterparts. That's why it is typical of them to comparatively mention their past lovers. To us, emotional ties strongly rely on a physical component that makes us value more what is within reach, a more tangible, less platonic playground. That's probably why we incur into the bad habit of wanting to patch things up and get on with the task of loving our woman when things grow sour. Women cannot see themselves with a man who needs them more than they need him, it is the wrong dynamic to want them more than they do you. 

Both men and women alike make too many ¨friends¨, ¨contacts¨, but few people can be truly called a friend. I suppose that the problem lies in people looking for a potential ¨someone¨ when we should probably start things off by first getting to know one another. But the emotional deficit bestowed unto us makes us throw ourselves sometimes to the first hand that waves our way,  the first arms that embrace us as if herein lied the solution to all the maladies life has frowned upon. We need to step back and shatter the tribal lenses that make things and people in the rearview mirror of our minds appear larger than life; that which at some point was so obtuse and backward, to begin with, and that we failed to see as such, given our shortsightedness. We do not only leave the past behind without so much fanfare. We do know need to demonize it either. We do this so that our current path doesn't cross things go come.  We can only move forward if we leave things in the past behind. What's more, realize that not every person you come across can be part of your life. Not even one percent of them. Even if you go to become a great lover, what matters then is quantify.

Like snakes, we digest big prey and only feed once every few months. You can hibernate. Lay dormant in wait. Coldly calculate the next move. Sharpen our toolbox.  

Most of our lives are not spent mating, only a small portion of it and only if you are any good at it. The less time we spend looking in others what lacks in us, and instead, go out there and start working out, eating healthier, getting rid of toxic people in your life. Not that you should resent them. Or even get bothered by their nastiness. Just let them be, do not fight, do not defend yourself. Ignore them completely, and so long as it doesn´t have to do with you, don´t do it. You don't laugh at jokes made to your expense. You keep your head cool when it comes to how you react when others expect a reaction from you. The best reaction is no reaction and the best way to impress someone is by remaining unimpressed. 

Like snakes, we do not talk. We move smoothly, and we're lethal once our venom is inflicted upon our prey. We devour things slowly and whole, and we digest our prey raw. As men, we get to objectify the woman in our lives; not women. Women, in general, will love a strong, assertive man who can stand up to her if he thinks she's wrong and guide her, make her feel sure, and follow his lead. Of course, there are women who would never submit themselves to you; I respect that. I'm not saying this is for everyone. But my woman, I like her girly, feminine, when they play naive and call you daddy, and since my last two girlfriends, whom I met as roommates, were both 21 when I first met them and 23 by the time it was all over. Is it a coincidence? Did I plan this?

Yes, and no. 

Usually, you do not want to lie to people. But it doesn´t mean that you shouldn´t let them try to themselves. If a girl wants to think that I will marry her and give her some papers, I'm going to play the card of a guy in love and love it and love her and, if things go well, marry her. Why the fuck not? I'm not a little kid anymore and little by little I'm becoming old in my ways though I may look a lot younger than my years. Look, love´s worth is a lot higher than marriage, deception, intrigue, heartache, jealousy, anger, all the feelings that go rampant when the mind is high on love. The truth is, I see things differently today. I don't see her as I initially did; how could I? Connie had found her on a list of people looking for someone to get married. We all started somewhere, and the fact is that it sounds more sinister than it really is. All undocumented foreigners want is to legalize their situation and live and prosper in this great nation of ours. I wanted that for her and in return, I wanted her love. And so I got more than I gave, and we fell in love. Which wasn't unexpected, still it happened and that always complicates things. And your mind tends to exaggerate things, take them out of proportion when it´s hungry or in love. The answer to both is simple: don't live for love; love to live. 

Love is an important part of it, no doubt. But the way we go about it, by placing it foremost, the most important thing there is. It isn´t. 

We spend most of our time grooming for a higher self. We tend to our goals and work out, meditate, meet people, not to be involved with them just to see them for who they are. How many of us are still strangers to those we profess love to? We preach what we ourselves cannot deliver. Love shouldn't be the problem. It's the sick neediness, the lack of patience, the mind games, all of which can be easily disposed of by being the straightforward, no-nonsense kind of guy. Not that I´m gonna go around calling people on their B.S., I'd just walk the other way. The less time we spend with people we do not have an affinity with, the more we open ourselves to those who really matter most, the ones we really want to spend with, be it who may be. 

Spending time with people we like is the reason I like my job. It's the people you come in contact with. How could you otherwise greet and engage more than a thousand people daily, most of them familiar faces, five days a week, all year long? We end up seeing co-workers more than family, even friends. So, why not be friendlier to these people who really are beautiful, who all in their own ways give their best in whatever they´re doing at the company because otherwise, they wouldn't be there. How you interact with at least one hundred of the people who seem closer to you? Especially, your co-workers, be kind to these people, ignore the ogres, laugh away the slights. We´re there to serve, and if it weren´t for all the egos going around it would´ve been so much nicer a place than it already is.  

Everyone´s got one

You only have to look at Arnold Schwarzenegger now to know that, eventually, all things come down. Even elite athletes when they´re not competing, tend to put on some weight. You could lose some of your belly fat and see your abs by just flexing: even the competitive type has to churn and flex their pecs, abs and biceps/triceps in order to truly exude their physique. And prior to any competition/show, a quick workout is in order to prop up the endgame.  You too can take advantage of how gorged and swollen your whole musculature appears after conducting a strenuous workout;  physical exertion on the short-term primordially pumps the blood and not only does it look but if feels great.  

It takes far less of an effort to change your mind, all it takes is following through and keeping that promise, if you put the time now and push yourself to exhaustion sometimes, then you´ll get back however much you put it. Taking pride in knowing yourself capable of something most people only dream of: getting fit. 
Americans are fat. That´s the truth. It probably has something to do with our sedentary lifestyles, heavy alcohol consumption, overeating (yeah, especially that) and, my favorite, genes. And just like genes, we turn on or off according to the stimulus, it´s either use it or lose it. So there´s always something we can do about it. Haven´t you heard already all the good reasons, the life lessons, the lifting of spirit, the becoming more feeling you get from an active lifestyle? By now, everyone should be motivated to shed some fat, tone that flabby midsection, look and feel oh so good. Why don´t we tackle those issues that most matter and let the urgent but inessential truly slide? It may seem overwhelming, but it has a domino effect: one good initiative always follows a good angle, even if you don´t get what you were looking for in a situation, a more direct approach saves time assumptions can be dispersed and a clear-cut, neat way of dealing with anything has emerged. Deal with what matters first and leave attention-seekers aside, literally. People will waste your time; it doesn´t belong to them, don´t let them. 

When you go to the gym, you see tons of people one week and then the next few weeks some of the new faces disappear and there still are some familiar ones. Not that you go there to study other gym-goers habits, but the reality is that most people do not have a detailed plan or even a concrete purpose to be there in the first place other than wanting to look good naked (men)  or shed some undesired fat. So, it's not surprising that eventually most give up on their ambitions and settle. 

They may, from time to time, go all out in their workouts but overall they´d much rather sit in front of the TV with a bowl of pop-corn. On their daily routines, some settle for a little less time at the gym by leading healthier diets,  skip the ice-cream and the soda, do some jumps and a few push-ups, chin-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, jump rope and all in the comfort of home and never for more than the time it takes to break a sweat. You can also minimize the looming potential of injury this way;  two or three different types of exercise daily, each lasting a few minutes and that´s that. 

No gym was necessary for me either. Initially, I´d use the whole city as my gym, desserted children playgrounds would serve as pull-ups, chin-ups reps; pacing, walking, running, in no particular order. Intensity in short bursts. Keep active... rollerblading, maybe. 

Life is hard, and leading an active lifestyle takes time, effort, dedication. In essence, it makes you disciplined. That´s where the pride comes, knowing that you do your thing, others see it, some may secretly admire you. 

Now there are those you rarely see at the gym regularly, and then there the ones who obsess over their physique. These are the kind you see very often. They have their own routines, their specific set of rituals, and they go about following their plan. And many may have a ¨plan¨, but fail to have a purpose. A plan to follow through in order to see ¨gains¨ in your daily routine, it isn´t the same as having a higher reason, a purpose, for you to strive to and get better at this fitness thing. What I do know is that is, in part at least, for vanity. I also enjoy the elated feeling of well-being that derives from it, how it makes you proud because you do precisely what others only think of doing but never get around to. It shows character and it says a lot about you. Character isn´t the same as attitude. Many have the attitude but few cultivate character. Character is follow-through, it is the pride that comes from know that you truly are capable of change and that things can and should always be better. Not necessarily ¨perfect¨, not nearly so... just right.
My purpose is to build slightly more than I´m losing given my years. Though I maintain in good shape, I feel I can still improve. I´m not competing; I go to the gym three or four days a week, twice a day; each time less than an hour. I rest two full days, and I don´t work myself to exhaustion. My body is not that of a teenager; I work smarter, not harder. I don´t want to put too much stress on it; I want to maintain what I got and reverse the inevitable decline of muscle due to my years. I´ve never been in better shape than I am today. It´s been a year since I quit smoking, and I´ve spent more time with my older son Stephan and his mom, Beth. My other boy lives in Michigan and I see him once or twice a year, sometimes more, rarely less. His mom and I have a very good relationship, considering she´s Irish and American Indian. Go figure. 

The little Irish-Colombian is ridiculously cute. And smart. And I can´t get enough of him. He loves his older brother, Stephan, and Jules always asks to see him on Google hangouts. I´ve tons of pictures of them playing together. I love those times.
Today, as I got a haircut, the barber asked me if I was living back in the Bronx again. ¨Yes¨ I said. ¨I had fun while away, tons of fun but now I feel like spending time with my older son and helping out with his upbringing since Beth has been diagnosed and treated for severe depression. She cannot possibly deal with my son who is autistic and demands a lot of attention. A home attendant helps her out. But I think I could play the part of the father and I am loving it. I decided to take a vacation from love. I will instead focus on a few personal goals, including changing this place around and pimping the crib. I want to continue to do a good job. A really good job. 

I respect those who choose to dedicate their lives to their physique. That´s not the path I choose. Instead, I want to do so because it makes me stronger. Nothing spells confidence like being fit at this time and age, when I´m forty two years old and feel not a day older than 27. I even look a lot younger than the average thirty year old guy. It´s not that I´m bragging, as my sister hash-tagged me on my birthday on Facebook, ¨thinks himself the youngest when he´s in fact the oldest.¨ I don´t consider myself younger or older than anyone else. I try to keep what I have through physical workouts that seldom push the limits. I chase the elated feeling of having worked out for no more than forty minutes, sometimes a little more, sometimes less. I do not want to dedicate myself to my physique; so long as I look above average and feel good about myself and keep building more than I lose as the years come along. Also, meditation, reading, writing, and sometimes, watching TV. Roku, of course. Haven´t had cable in more than a decade. 


Not too much but not too little, as it is taught in Buddhism´s Middle Path. In this respect, we should aim for balance in life; not too much of something good, but not denying ourselves either. Having a few drinks from time to time, enjoying friends, forgiving family. I´m not well-known for my smile, but I´ve been practicing smiles, and they work magically. People open up and that´s the way it should be. Once you put aside your sexual agenda (no ¨girlfriend¨ or ¨ex¨ or any other stereotype), you recognize that there might be tension. How you manage that energy, that ¨tension¨, it´s critical. People come at you from all walks of life, with their lifelong intravenously-fed dilemmas, dividing them into three categories. The antisocial, the semi-social, the ultra-social, and the just the barely social kind. All of them I encounter daily, in many ways I prefer the social but I can live with being ignored or just the casual chat. Those who dare come closer see other shades of me, nothing too macabre, just plain fun friend stuff, no drama, always on a way to doing something, just a little more than the next guy, improving daily, keeping good hygiene and clean clothes, well shaved, all the little details that make that very first impression. 

As I´ve said before, there are all kinds of people. Those who want to be left alone, those who may be just a little reserved but still open to forfeit their ego, downplay the persona and reflect back some of that spark you shine upon them. Imagine yourself a star, for a moment. 

Like stars, we come across much dirt, shinning your way through will only brighten the path you cross, leaving behind a fluorescent trace for others to follow if ever lost in the darkness of mind. You cannot find anything other than the mind behind every scene depicted in life out there. There´s no ulterior motive outside of here, inside each one of us, so instead of new horizons, eyes reborn and 

Not that I consider myself anything less than a star, stars are far more common a phenomenon and much less interesting than human beings. These beings that surround us really make our day, and so long as you lower your expectations and really focus on being there to serve others, and to take the drama out of any equation, then that´s time well spent. That we find ourselves here and now only adds to the mystery of it all. How lucky we were that among hundreds of millions of sperms, you got to fertilize your mom´s egg. That´s how it all began. 

Your dad inseminated your mom´s egg, and the likelihood that it would create ¨you¨ were much more astronomical than playing the lottery. 

Anger, resentment, back-stabbing, gossip, all these ailments wreak havoc in the lives of others. It takes a lot to hate others, to live on guard because this person may take a decision that may not be in your best interest. What you do is, serve well and set limits. You cannot overdo it, but that´s not reason enough to slack off. What I figured is, resentment and rancor, and all of these feelings based on anger, really take a toll on the individual. Of course, you don´t want to become the nice guy. Life is not nice to those who insist on playing nice, but play nice you should, to a point. Besides, as I´ve said before in one of my digital books (save the trees!), Nice is boring. 

Naughty is a different kind of nice. You play nice in a way that can be cunning, intriguing, so much so that it keeps them guessing. You want to play an enticing role, a character with substance, not just another extra in other people´s lives. Of course, not everyone can be swayed by your charm. Let those who resist you to themselves and focus on following through the things you said you would. It´s the only way you create character. You do what you said you would do. You don´t take too many days off, and you don´t sleep on it. You get on with the plan and the plan was that we´d get fit (and by ¨we¨, meaning ¨me¨, not escaping the ego, as in Everyone´s Got One, Boris, I and a few other voices inside my head), agreed. We will see our body transform and it will be an achievement comparable to having quit smoking cigarettes cold-turkey over a year ago.