Trojan Horse

The whole debacle about Julian’s last name boils down to dismissing my feeling on the subject by alleging that I had known of the fact prior to the delivery of the birth certificate. Yes, Connie mentioned her intentions on doing so twice in a year full of bigotry and fights, and she did so in the middle of a heated argument. One of such arguments, more than six months ago, when she complained that if I wasn’t divorced before the baby was born, she’d go ahead and do it, and another time when she was mad at me for having partied the night before she was to be discharged from the hospital, and I picked her up a few hours late. We were in the middle of a dispute with the hospital for having administered the tuberculosis vaccine regardless of the fact that we had denied it on paper. I thought that was the battle of that day, but somehow she managed to call me and tell me the nurse had come by again to insist she'd give the baby the vaccine, and I reminded her we had already decided not to give it to him.
She had said the day she made me signed the birth certificate papers that she had “decided” to give me another chance but later specified that she was referring to the fact that I was “given the chance” to appear as the father. When the birth certificate paper came on the mail, she didn’t show it to me immediately, she had with her for some time and never made mention of it right up until the moment she decided to go to Michigan. As if that wasn’t enough, she had put on facebook’s timeline the day J.R. was born; no mention of any James.

Her intention was, not so much to give me one of the two copies which I rightfully was supposed to be handed, but in order to assure me that she had no intentions to abandon me. See, thing is, I never thought she was leaving me, but I did take seriously the fact that she threatened to do, only to say later that she didn’t really meant it. So, it’s not that I was worried she’d actually do it. How on earth is a birth certificate paper avoid her from leaving me? How on earth is it supposed to alleviate my hypothetical doubts? Thing is, I hadn’t paid much attention to the paper, and upon a closer look, I discovered the James, and no Amar. Couldn’t the two last name be placed there? Of course, she’d argue she had said that to me but she couldn’t possibly argue that I was okay with it.

See, that’s an intricate lie. Otherwise known as “deception”: it isn’t a blunt lie because she did mention her intentions and we did have an argument about it and we never spoke of the subject until that day after she was discharged from the hospital. Deception is what women are generally known for, by the way. Say you meet a girl and she tells you she has a boyfriend, in order to forewarn you (by the way, some will tell you of it as you’re making out with them; hey, thanks for letting me know now, weirdo!). Say you end up having something to do with that girl who has a boyfriend. Only then she can claim no responsibility based on the fact that she had told you about having a boyfriend and things kind of “just happened.” What happens is, she saves face because she put forth her machiavellic agenda.  

I guess you get the point of what the difference between actually lying and deceiving someone are; deception is a dressed-up lie that smiles at you and stabs you in the back the minute you look away. There’s no need to beat a dead horse, unless of course that horse happens to be Trojan. The Greeks argued, more than a thousand years before Christ came along saying that the truth shall set you free, that lying was not just limited to the act of saying things that aren’t true; lying is a far more complex question. Greeks argued lying was also ‘not stating’ your true intentions, so if you had in mind something that is not true and you didn’t mention it (agenda), then you’re lying. Sophism was popular in Socrates’ Athens; the representatives of this philosophical school argued that you can make use of rhetoric in order to advance a particular agenda. Facts were irrelevant, what mattered here was how clever you were in making your argument. Of course, this is where Socrates shined, by ridiculing these heralds of deceit and exposing their crooked ways in the public market place. 

Not everything that is written is meant to be read

I thought we agreed about the rules: do not take this blog personally, it serves a therapeutic purpose, you can jump back and see that there are things that are never pleasing to the reading eye. If you want to understand about how this works, it is to me what shooting a gun is for others. It is to me what gossip is to others. I don't pray, and I don't have anywhere more to go to vent. You have blocked my attempts at meditation by always having that washing machine on or snoring like there is no tomorrow. You have all my passwords and there is just nowhere left where your watchful inquisitive eye won't spot. Don't worry about being read, no one really reads anymore, and those who bother doing so really have our best interest at hand. Pay attention now, and go ahead to the very last line of this writing so you can see I left you with my facebook password, fix the relationship status now. Go!

Now, going back to these pages, I don't promote these, you stumbled upon them just recently and even when you did you never showed too much interest. You never mentioned anything about other entries, just out of the blue now you seem to be engaged, taking note, paying close attention to a lot of things I've written recently, but I think you saw how much of it, purposely, is now based on us. Now you can have a taste of your own medicine, just as much crap as can be said can be written, gossip creates unnecessary drama, no one should know about our business. Keep parents and friends out. Show a window into your soul, don't open all the doors because people don't always go in with the best of intentions. You have to be a little selective as to who you let in completely.

I can see how you may take offense. No harm intended, babe. Those who read this blog are spotty, never take things to heart, many of them don't know me personally and maybe family and friends in all won't amount to more than two or three; but if someone I care for somehow sees it, they will always come back for more from time to time. You check out these blogs more often. I have got to become a far more positive writer. Don't wait for it standing there, take a chair because it will take a while before I can metaphor into such marvelous being. I think I have already began. I just have the bad habit of looking at literature as a psychological toilet where I can dump and feel renewed.
Now, I feel that by throwing out into the universe the bad energy I give off here, I could alliviate the pain or force some immediate action. We challenge others not by pleasing them but by displeasing, too. It can force us to take a look at ourselves in a not-so-pretty place, since couples are known to fall in one of these traps from time to time. We get to make our own mistakes, others should keep their boundaries, yeah I know we are public and for that I forgive you, I don't enjoy being thought of as one way or another, but if so, be it. Who cares how I portray you here, we get to make our own rules and learn from our mistakes. I will focus on the issues you find more pressing, find a way to solve and mend things between us, you are loved even though I appear cold and distant, and I insist, feel free to do as you please, have friends over, go out with friends, just keep a low profile, if possible..

Very few people read these pages, all very close friends and family. They're a selective elite, and now you went and made it public, it's a shameful act. Now I am forced to lighten up and brighten the dark roots where my words stem from. This isn't meant to be eye-candy, there is nothing to be forgiven or easily forgotten; it's mental feces sometimes. Maybe in some paragraphs you see me be more compassionate and loving, but I am known to write with my guts and it may feel too real or harsh in the eyes of many, but this isn't for no one other than me; it is what happens when I have my Incredible Hulk moments and leave a written statement on the anger episode. You go drawing from that source and that energy unleashes its doom on us. Not all that is written it is meant to be read. I write in such a brutally honest way and I know people may take offense. But only if they find themselves in the joke. It's not that the blogs are fictitious; they're meant to give voice to something that you rather scream out and leave behind; it is how I deal and keep things in check. And if I push a button, it wasn't coincidental. Unlike in a conversation, we are never interrupted. We are all semi-naturally inclined to resist listening to someone else make their point, and whether I'm wrong or right means nothing if I can't shake the feeling I felt betrayed by your actions. I'll get over it, the thing will be taken care, every single thing just so that you are then and only so convinced of my love. I don't think I'm an angel but I'm far from being the stereotypical Latin macho you portray me as. I make sure to say nice things about you, it feels good to know you're by my side. I have been angry, still am, but my love for you, not just Julian, is more. I know I may come across as crazy or unbalanced, but I have acted out of self-preservation. I have been upfront about my position here. That will never change. But it doesn't ring any apocalytic bells.

I can be very annoying and painful, too. We aren't angels and if I get to talk to myself as freely as I do here, it is because I know that in the real life we share together I can't do so. You let these words get to you and yeah I wasn't innocent in writing them. It is because you draw from them what already is inside you. If you see anger, you will express anger. No writing or word should have that power over you. Yeah, you lose your head and call the other person an asshole or a bitch, but the matter at hand isn't there; these verbal assaults are rare and only signal frustration. No one is sensitive enough to take this to the level of psychological abuse. That has an element of drama. Of course, I explained to you that I wasn't writing about the good, there is so much but that I keep to myself. I'd spend volumes speaking of all the blessings you bring daily to my life and I don't go making you my enemy in my mind. The way I see it, it hurts my  see that my son doesn't bear my last name. It's not the end of us but I will not underplay how irritable the subject makes me. I thought I'd be more thoughtful as to not include many personal items. 

The idea that I am a chauvinistic, controlling individual, machista. Yeah, some of it I can't escape. I don't know about you guys, but I like to protect my investment; I'm not going ape on this but I don't like my girl talking to guys she was involved with. Call me old-fashion but that's just me, and it's not like I say anything about it. I don't like it and I just say it as I see it. She can be cordial and accessible to all and I understand she's a beautiful girl and guys will gravitate towards her. It's inescapable.  Now, you want your girl to go out and have a good time with her girl friends, that was what I thought the program was, and of course I know she didn't step out of the line, and I overlook it the first time she mentioned it. I thought sarcastically, "I'm gonna let this one slide."  I was happy you actually had fun. Now you paint me in front of others as someone who doesn't like you to have friends or keeps you chained somewhere in a dark room down in a basement. If I were insecure, I would've never overlooked things like the people you dated, it is your past and I know I am your present. But we must keep some appearances in places like the Kew where everyone knows everyone else and where the flow of drama is endless. Yeah, we had this discussion many times and I expressed to you how I didn't see the almost pervasive fascination you guys have with this place. I am kind of an odd ball. I don't have close friends, and I am known to be a loner. I keep to myself and I feel betrayed whenever I learn that what I consider our business and privacy is all out there in the open. If only you would be more discreet. This is a valuable lesson. I will erase every single one of the writings so that you no longer have to suffer such humilliation, and I'd make sure to let everyone know that you have been nothing but fantastic towards me. I like your friends and your family, I think they are awesome. I've always said that, and I know you know what my real beef with you is. I just don't find it as fun as before when I used to ravish you anywhere. Look, I don't want to kill grandma or demonize mom (she's a great mom and moms are known to be a pain in the ass), and I don't want to get on Russ' bad side anymore, so I'd say let's stop the silliness and get your ass home. Everything else (divorce, name changes, including mine!) we'll take care of with resolve and in love. You know, it doesn't make us good. You've been a very naughty girl and... well, I don't want to kill grandmom of a heart-attack. The thing is, I miss you guys, you have a home here and a man who love you both very much. I get in touch with my dark side and who knows what shadows lurk there! What you should tell your parents that your daughter hits me, I should have told your stepfather. Oh, but only I find that cute, and what harm could it possibly cause? I love the video where you sing to him the Madonna song. You fix the status on facebook, the password is the same as you know except it has an extra dot. Fix it as soon as possible. I will reset my password 12 hours from now.