As we waited for the E train on the platform, I
looked at my oldest baby boy, Esteban, and saw that there was a little distance
between us. I saw it, just like his mom has said, the neglect, the shame, the
quiet desperation unraveling between us, like an invisible entity setting us
apart. Therefore, I took the initiative to sit him closer to me, and be ever so
much kinder and gentler towards him. It was as if I hadn't missed much again,
as if just because of that gesture at closure I had recovered with one single
slight of hand all of the time I had drifted away from him.
And so it hit me: my default mode is to run away
from pain, I've done it all my life, and in the process I have sacrificed way
too many precious things. It all stems from past ghosts, the yearning heart of
a boy who spent his childhood dreaming of the day his own dad would show his
face. Not that I expected him to come back, but at the very least appear like
he had done once or twice in ten years. And the boy who’d spend time counting
the days till being reunited with his mom, who could not have him because she wasn't financially fit to do so, meanwhile living under the roof of transient family
members: ants, grandmothers, always women willing to do what women have always
done best: nurture. In the end, mom did show and took me far away with her and
my sisters, and we lived happily ever after since. She’s the unsung hero of
this story, crazy as she can only be, I bet part of her sanity was lost in the wilderness
of having to raise three children all on her on. That much at least I owe her.
And so I thought, what is it that keeps me always
searching for safe haven and away from the challenges I must endure, if I am to
thrive? Why run away now, when things seem slightly harder? It seems pointless
to fear the skin of a beast you have already slain. Life, it is best to face
and to find if the things we dared dream will come about, if we are to suffer
let us do so by engaging in the very things that enthrall and fascinate us.
Show your face around, like she has, and be willing to take the blow, if that’s
what it takes. Happiness is not something that is given; you must grab the bull
by its horns and bring it down, stare down the belly of the beast, show courage
in every action taken. Fight for what you love, never stop dreaming and always
take comfort in the fact you gave your all in this existential arena we call
life.
I love my boy, and I will do more than I’ve been
doing. You can only give up on things if love is depleted, so long as we are
willing and able, we should do the decent thing of pushing forth. The child has
inner world; the man looks outside of himself. We want to provide, we want to
protect and we want to make god damn sure our efforts are met with the same
passion and deliverance we instill them with.
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