I'm noble, something you don't see as you first meet me. I am also somewhat methodical. I keep testing what I know, learning everyday, so I'm not sure what I'm into now will be the same in a few days. We adapt as we go along, as in damage control, sometimes you pull out before it is too late. There is such a thing as too early, too. You don't walk into someone else's life and own it, you give what you seek for yourself: freedom of choice, plenty of space, no drama (excess anger, bickering, stuff women are normally known for, spineless guys too), unless your behavior merits some character. I try not to engage others when I'm angry, anid I'm never angry for long. Anger is something that builds, as a result of a stressful situation or an agitated imagination.
"I can't believe you could get mad over that" I tease a friend of mine over something that I didn't think was a problem. The problem cannot be without the mind. We fail to see that the turmoil a situation may arise in us should be grounds for us to process such possibility, or perception (of events, of people which can be so conflicted and self-serving), and it is like an alarm. It doesn't have to remind you of whatever worry or regret that crosses the mind. Extract yourself from the world around by making time to spend alone, through long walks, exercise, reading, meditation, and sometimes even engaging people. It's being now, and not thinking about what the weekend might bring; fun is all around, just have to be willing to change minds, it widens your horizons.
Lately, I've limited the amount of fun. As a precaution, I may not go out because recently I stopped smoking cigarettes. I picked up smoking again (after quitting for seven years) for a few months, like five months. Cigarette addiction can be very costly in New York. That, and all the health issues surrounding it, it is never too early to quit, it's just a worthless gamble. I may have spent money I could have used otherwise, but at the time I was under a lot of stress and felt like being careless and unhealthy for a little while, misbehaving is always in my nature.
I like myself. I have a blast. No, it's not lonely, lonely people usually forget themselves. And not that we should just shy away from the world, no; we may engage other people, locally or on the net. Even when you're out there, you're out there in the Internet. Facebook is where we see what our friends and family are up to, I go there at least a few times daily. It is always good to see friends, though, not just use media to communicate. I am warm-blooded, need contact from time to time. Nothing will replace human contact.
Now as far as Saturdays go, I retired them long ago. No need to go to overcrowded places, with tons of youngsters competing for the girls' attention and the girls go with their guard up, and you always end up spending so much and meeting some of the scariest people. It's good, I'm not being a hypocrite. But it gets tiring after a decade or so, you don't stop, just pace yourself. You become selective, if you do go out, you do so for a couple of hours, spend no more than certain amount, etc. It looks easy, but the reality is that if you know what you're doing, you don't have to be going out every weekend. You don't need to go out necessarily for that purpose when you do, and you'll attract people if you don't give off that creepy feeling that you lack something. I love going into crowded places, and just sit there minding my business, having my drink, not everything in life is about the girl. Of course, it's not like I can ignore them, believe me they'll show themselves in, they'll be somehow elbowing me at the bar, but only because I am not going to kiss her ass. Girls crave character and attitude in a man. A man who will not bow before her, stand his ground and qualifies her, punishes her bad behavior with aloofness, never lets her see you sweat. Anything she does or says is to see how you react. Your answer? Calmly call her on her bullshit, or just ignore her. Your choice, I'll probably go with the latter. Don't try to make her explain her behavior, just don't stand there taking a beating and don't argue over anything. Nothing is so serious that it'd have to be dealt with anger, best to let things slide and have some fun, relaxed tension and intense owe. Feel each other close, do good things for one another, forgive, forget, communicate and don't hold any grudges.
We can relax in each others' presence, and if it gets too trying, then give it a rest and go back at it. We don't own one another, and we owe one another discretion. We're free to choose who we want to spend time with, so I ask only to know if plans are changed. Time is of essence, and though a bummer, I'll live, rather not die the slowest emotional death. When it comes to past lovers, I've made my peace, I keep up the good dad roll, I give plenty and receive almost as much, am always willing to work and I also like to take it easy. No need to complicate yourself, if something is dead, no reason to let it rot; bury it and that's that.
If there's something, then pursue your heart, and see where it leads, be patient but not complacent, don't rush in but don't take forever either. I keep talking to myself, music is playing, drink awaits me. Look come back to these words later.
(Ten minutes later)
At work, things will take place. I'll get my head around the FSD examination material and take the test in a few weeks. I'll have plenty of time to go travel to Michigan by the end of this year. I will travel early next year somewhere cool, somewhere I haven't been to, and take on new challenges, and continue to be smoke-free and exercise. Moving forward, plans that require execution will take front seat and decided not to go out anymore, for the time being. Besides, tomorrow I gotta get up early and I want to have a good night sleep. I love working weekends and have the amount of party-eligible nights be compromised, therefore I spend a whole lot less money and do stuff I really need to do throughout the week, including leisure: everyday make me-time. Part of our misery as human beings is that we don't get to enjoy ourselves. When you know just what to do on your own, you're never alone. Now it is nighttime.
Have a drink or two, watch TV for half hour, and slowly sink into oblivion, sleep awaits.
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