Be Your Own Man

Jess came around the usual time wearing a purple tight ass dress and every guy on the floor, with the exception of me, stared vividly at her. You couldn't take your eyes away. It was breathtaking. She had a tong that you could have spotted from a mile away and her ass seemed to swallow it whole. I think I'm forced now to ask her out, it is what she wants... she just doesn't know it yet. But she will.
Isabel is getting worse by the minute. Now I am in a precarious situation. I am going back to the fun guy I used to be. We haven't had sex God knows for how long, more than two months, I calculate. I don't want to be here anymore and if it wasn't for my son I doubt seriously that I would be. I need to grow, heal and get as far as possibly from here. I don't have to strand my relationship with my baby. That I will miss him, of course, but I think it is also for his well-being. He can't possibly grow up among so much drama and backstabbing and turn out to be a functional human being. I will keep in contact with him as long as I breath. He will always be what I most treasure in life, the relationship that will stand the test of time, the very thing closest to paradise. I wish Isabel well, for I think, in retrospect, isn't her fault. Too late it is that I understand that the one I am today, the loyal, hard-working, not so remotely close to party-animal, this person I've become who, by the way, is far, oh so very far, from perfection, came a little bit too late. And even today, when I don't fool around, or even find it necessary to lie to women, now that I don't sleep around... I am still far from here. I was, sad to admit, never really fully committed to this relationship. I tried, though, as of lately, at least two years or so from now, to make things work and not out of martyrdom or anything that resembles such thing... but, just because of the kids. Yes, I love her son as well... I have him since he is eight and he's grown into this fine, slightly rugged, young man and I see a lot of things, things he's borrowed from me. I'm not delusional, he's not my son and I will never love him anywhere near the way I love Esteban, but still he is one of the few reasons I am still under this roof. Another one is pot... say what you will but if it wasn't for pot, I wouldn't have been able to highly function the way I do. And it's not that I could easily get it around here... I could as well manage and buy it in larger quantities and smoke it wherever I am... But the truth is, when I smoke, I become more tolerant, more of a family man... I no longer feel like venturing out or getting into someone else's pants. It's just so much fun I can easily play with my kid (once I wash my mouth and my face) for hours and see just how wonderful he really is. And I don't smoke more than I did a year or two, or even three, ago. Addiction is, well, when you can't stop doing something, and on the other side it's also when you increase gradually the amount of time you spend on it and the resources you put into it, too. For one, I don't spend and I don't really smoke all that much either... I've gone weeks without it, even months at a time. And even now, when I am a regular smoker, I go a day or two without it, and I can make a five dollar bag last me two days. Now, I won't admit having worried about it but not out of concern for my health... cigarettes are far worse and that worries me more than pot does. I write better, I feel like doing the things that usually in such a stressful and time-consuming lives we rarely find time to ourselves. When we do, it is what we do in these moments of leisure which truly define our character and mind. I seek no more than peace of mind, rarely do I force myself to construct paragraphs or go back and check the grammar. I write it the way it come out, I think and act on it, I don't fuck around. I'm solid, you see. I like going out and I haven't in quite some time. So, I decide as of this moment that my mission in life will be to balance things out with Isabel, stop being such a child and quit bitching.

Listen, now. I am such a devil. Well, no need to stay there, reading... Books are boring, aren't they? No, actually, I take that back. They do serve their magic to those of us who still know how to wiggle a wand. The readers among us are the best kind of people. And not that there aren't any interesting people who don't read; I don't know many. In fact, I try to peacefully separate myself from most affairs at work, detach myself from the low standards under which I am subjected to daily. I quit complaining, it doesn't take anywhere; I pick my fights, I don't let jealousy or envy, love or hate, nothing gets in the way of my money. I've seen pretty girls, gorgeous girls, cute girls, beautiful women, and I relate to them just as well as with the less esthetic kind. Look, let us not fool ourselves. Christianity has perhaps been fed to us, we're not all equal. There are talented folks, intelligent and diligent souls, wise men and women, and the not so fortunate kind. Equality has no place in Nature; animals, they all look to satisfy their needs. The problem is that somehow we think that is a negative thing. It's a fact whether we hide it behind altruistic and heroic acts. Sure, vanity plays a big role and so does talent and beauty, and we should stop saying that we're all beautiful "in our own ways". Look, the fact is, beauty isn't all born with (some exceptions, like me). A lot of symmetrical and divine females adopt a self-defense mechanism, somehow evolve to detect every guy hitting on them or behaving nervously around her or see her just as a sexual subject, and once in a while falling for the bad guy, the wrong man, the forbidden lover, the platonic love, the unequivocal crush... etc.
Back the fuck off.
This is precisely where we get things wrong.
We shouldn't seek an outcome in our first interaction.
We shouldn't pretend to be aloof, either.
Rather be very involved with the moment and what's going on with you, very much in touch with yourself, take good care of you, and expect nothing more than great conversation. Don't just say what you say, feel it, own it, gradually it will grow in you. It doesn't happen overnight and it would be irresponsible to tell you otherwise. In other words, you start faking it and then it dawns on you: you have become a natural.
No, natural is not a bad word.
A natural is someone who has no intention whatsoever to fake or alter his position or be more annoying than necessary. A lot of these pick up gurus preach about infallible techniques, the fact is that they miss the most important aspect. Instead of picking girls up, pick yourselves up, way up. You don't bend yourself backward trying to keep your cool; you are already cool. And it's not something you can fake, it's something that others even sense from you. Cool, it isn't something you can quite easily fake. And, above all, you shouldn't engage others, especially those towards you feel sexually drawn to. Instead, get to know the person, or engage her. It's a process, and it may not lead anywhere. In time, you'll realize that there's no such a thing as nowhere, anywhere it leads, if you keep at it, it will become more natural, and the more natural it becomes, the less needy it is. It is, however, demanding. Of you, of course. It demands of you to take the boldest approach, calculate a considerable amount of risk and jump on it. Don't waste any precious moment alive. Except, when it comes to others, recognize their need for space and do not become too much a burden. Lay back, relax, everything is going according to plan. Just follow the act. Don't just improvise; in real life, there's no director watching over you, so become your own judge. Be your own man.