Quicksand

Cheating makes it sound so dirty. It's good to be loyal just not for everyone. It makes sense that the less people you have to entertain the more you can focus on your own visions, it reaffirms your own beliefs that you're not just in for the thrill. It's not chasing the thrill, enjoying your vices but in moderation. You can manage the rush of going out, instead work out and meditate, for me, it works more often. Of course, loyal is at the top of the hierarchy in qualities we find desirable in a person. Therefore, like a good body in a good mind, it requires effort and a maturity. I can only get to slow down because I have already sped up, running around, chasing your tail like a dog you'll find that usually the tail follows you when you decide to march forth. Even when surrounded by crowds, I stand alone. I was born and I will die alone. I will celebrate alone, and when that person is fun enough, everyone will want a piece of it. It's not easy being loyal, but only in the formal stages of a relationship that has matured into such. Kids nowadays have it right in wanting often, wanted their way, keeping their choices open and only date those like-minded. If we want exclusive, we come from plenty and know that one choice may just be the ticket out of this mating madness. Someone you can laugh and argue, tease and caress, someone you can hold one minute and then the next you may never see again. That's how it feels, somehow your brain is wired to blow out of proportion potential scenarios, if seen through the lens of fear and despair. How to counter such a lethal blow? How do we move from the role we play and the untamed lion that roars within? It comes to no surprise that, unlike what women think, men actually can suppress most of their primal instincts. We're visual and have hawkish eyes, we may sit by the bar minding our own but other lioness might be watching and subtly made herself visible, depending on how aggressive she is, but I hold my own. I think logically of the situation, the energy it demands to walk up there and chat someone up out of nowhere, do so while not appearing too intrusive. And how could you not be, if anything, the good thing she's craving. You were just there minding your business, and on and off subtle manifestations of interest abound. We need to stay true to ourselves and loyal. 

Now, I said "loyal", not "faithful". Some of us make their own rules, others follow the norm. Whatever the case may be, you actually are happier when you don't find yourself fragmented, having your energy directed in more than a few worthy challenges. The same holds true for relationships in that they are stronger when founded upon trust and transparency. Same things you look for in a car or a place to call your own, same principles apply when choosing the person we want to be seen with. But it shouldn't be the sole goal in your path. Your aims should be higher, we spend less time attracting a mate and more in building a web of connections, keep the world at bay and say, "Yeah, I'm sort of seeing this and that person." Your goal shouldn't be in landing the girl; that comes only after saving yourself. Be the person you'd be irremediably attracted to. Be spontaneous, courageous, adventurous, or the very own thing that you want to see in others. I have the attitude of someone who wants to be left mostly by himself but never alone. If there are people there, they will always be made aware of my presence. I'm not easy to miss; I'm considerably tall, handsome and fit, and I know how to handle the tension. So I very much would prefer to stay home or go out in the city, maybe take a trip to see Julian. And to think that very thought neutralizes most impulses (smoke, drink, sort of talk to a girl), but those primal needs will not be silenced, so I throw scrubs to the insatiable monster lurking inside, a few drinks, cigarettes, nights-out and a girl I sort of see. I am keeping my appetite at bay, because you have to be able to do without some things and best to be left alone than with the stingy indignation of not being able to say "No" and end something that will otherwise be your doom. Eventually, of course, but meanwhile we just have our cake and not eat it. Someone may say, "Isn't it all or nothing?" It's not what we want, but what we do with what we get. That makes all the difference. We don't want too much of a good thing but sometimes we might just indulge. Except for: when does a good thing become too much? It sounds like an oxymoron. 

These are distractions, not our aim in life. If sex or friendship happens, we should see beyond just the attraction and more the person, don't be that creepy guy trying to hit on every passing girl, making noises, graphic gestures, etc. Sure, they move us but I'm not gonna be running like a chicken without a head. I try to find happiness in my daily choices, I am patient in the relationships I forge, the plans, goals, ambitions in life derive from waiting things out, finding out one another, not if a person fits as a lover and then shut the world outside. We need more friends than lovers, and sex and love are always accidental. The emphasis should be on the qualities an individual possesses as opposed to the ones we look in them. We should be able to choose what we feel good about, and it may work from time to time to misbehave, but do so only once in a while. I read and write more than I drink and smoke, and yet I am seen as a party animal. I go out for a couple of hours twice a week, stay local most of the time, if not close to work, around my way. I save valuable energy this way, unfortunately I'm not easily amused. I enjoy the music, the roaring lights, the dance of life, drinks, happy people, and I can't help but to immerse, slowly sinking, as if it were a quicksand. I keep control most of the time, but sometimes I just step outside of my head and see the passage of time in every passing moment. You can only live in the moment. I stay inside often, even in those rare moments when I ago out. 

Of course, I portray another image. The fact is, more often than not, I do go out, but I don't stay out long enough, and have a few drink. I do so on weekends, Fridays and Saturdays, and I enjoy the long wait before I head out around midnight. I spend more time home, reading, writing, listening to music, drinking, smoking. Life is good in its small pleasures, and we shouldn't have to go in the dessert chasing too many mirages. Sure, be stupid and love, but I warn you, it's not something you know for sure. You first learn to love yourself before you go looking for validation, or some silly romantic agenda. Of course, you do give of yourself, shower others with invitations (specially family) and once a week see the person you're seeing for the sheer sake of seeing them. It's not hard to be yourself. It is much more harder to pretend.