Feeling Good

Now I stay in the living room, make space, go for a walk. I kiss her once or twice a day, but I sleep by myself after holding her until she falls asleep. I sometimes grab her as she passes by, spank her, put her against the wall. I had my way with her in the last three days, it feels great, reinvigorating, fresh. She's 22, and I'm forty years old. She says absolutely nothing, texts me even when we're home, spends her time on the phone or the Internet. It's neither a pleasant feeling nor a quiet burden, but a state of affairs in which I continuously do what comes naturally, make love, cook, drink, smoke, write. 

I spend all these days off work doing absolutely nothing but writing, exercising, meditating and watching TV. I even went to the bar a couple of nights ago. She enjoys being by herself, next to me. I like the Internet too, and it so happens that the more freedom you exude by following the right path (it feels just right, it's not an effort), the more back you get.

I like my small freedoms, going out. I've enjoyed being single. Man, it feels great. After a while, the sex is not as fun; as a guy, you want to take her on. But she could be very cold. Life sucks sometimes and it does but then you realize that you're above your mind. It's not what you keep telling yourself; it's what works. And what works is getting out there, working out and meditating, meeting new people... all of those times in which I got numbers and said, I will call this girl tomorrow if I'm single. I called them all. Even girls who I haven't spoken to. I went on a few dates, had tons of fun; not traditional dates. Some of these people are already taken, but those who gave of their time happened to be single and, like myself, not necessarily looking. It feels great to get home not have to take my shoes off immediately. Even physical scars have waned. This more mellow, less combative type has some recent studies about alpha males: one of their main traits, which most people regardless of sex find more alluring, is the self-control they exude in the way they deal with you and the world. Yeah, now that I'm single, I can whistle all I want, but I rarely do so now; I'm superstitious now. And I eat cucumber. And I've missed that girl terribly. She hasn't been outside my conscious mind much but I have only grown kinder in memory, not her but the thought of her. 

The ones we were, the fun, all the things that point out and remind you, will dim its light. What was once, is no more; that's the way of life and no reason to be a downer. If you can't sustain the fall, don't bother climbing all the way to the top. Of course, it isn't ideal but for now we have way more than most men will have in her life. We had a good time, too, we just chose to focus only on the bad ones in the end. That things end, there's no way around that.
I don't fight it. It becomes part of who I am, and I rather it'd be a blissful vibe, a candid narrative, a cherished moment. If we can't stop thinking about someone, have those thoughts be about the good, too. Have and show the courage of caring. Don't go punishing yourself; the people you love inhabit only your head, your imagination, and part of the reason we suffer is because we struggle between the ideal and the real. That extra unreal baggage, what some call drama, can be squashed. It's like extra weight: the more you move, the less you have of it. 

Just the other night the thought of having hugged someone so much and for so long, it made me happy. I see the sad version of this thought: I won't get to see this person again. Oh don't be so melodramatic; the nice thing, to contradict Mr. Tolle, is that it happened and it was good. You've become the person who has hugged her more since her parents. Hugging is essential to the survival of the species. Right now, she must be massaging her ego. 

We stop short of annihilation, only because we know that if we go any farther, we'll all be in a very bad place. We're all fighting to stay alive. This survival mechanism is often selfish, impulsive and has a mind of its own, hard to bend, does not listen and does not care only to procreate or recreate its former lives through ego-based manifestations. You've become agitated? Find a way back to the source of joy that life is. Reflect back up until this moment. You can never be present and be mad. You're mad when you're mad. Usually, when you think back, you cover your tracks with excuses. You simply accept anger as part of the healing process.