We get tired of the same old routine. In our search for more exciting prospects, some of us rebel against boredom, declare an all-out-war over stagnation. In these heightened states, predominantly anger comes to mind.
An angered response is part of who we are, we’re told, not much we can do, you cannot control emotions, they control you, anger is unavoidable… the more you repeat it, the more it will sink in. Like the seasons, we’re to experience an array of emotions and our job is not to censor any of them. There’s no need to demonize our emotional turmoils. It is of importance to listen to ourselves, be nosy about ourselves, and mind our business.
We cannot obviate the need for anger. You don’t want to sit idly while your house’s burning down, but anger won’t be of much help either. Anger is a signal that something is amiss, an opportunity to analyze ourselves. Oftentimes we feel guilty because of acting out on our anger, therefore miss the opportunity to amend whatever it is that might be broken. It’s all the exaggerated gestures, raised voices, all the theater that goes with it, that we can do without. In feeling shame, we may retreat and miss a valuable opportunity to dissect ourselves, see what triggers are there to avoid, listening to the cues of our consciousness. Instead of raising your voice, lend an ear. Sometimes, it is okay to whether the storm, wait until the worst has passed, and pick up the scattered pieces and start over. We can have a thunderstorm once or twice a year, and there’ll be rainy days in the seasons of our hearted mind; sunny, too, gets tiring at times and more than anything perhaps we crave a little madness. It’s the seasoning of life: a bit much and it spoils the dish.
We don’t take to heart when strangers nearby lose it, because we’re detached from them. In fact, we kind of find the humor in others, especially among strangers, when they lose control and give in to the excesses of emotional output typical of anger. But we kind of let the dog out when it comes to intimate bonds like close friends or family. We go to great lengths in not showing our ugly side to people we don’t care for, but rip on those we’re close to. It seems we treat strangers better than our own. And worse than the way in which we treat our close ones is how we deal with ourselves. It has a fix: see them thru the same lenses of compassion. Anger can be put under control if we act out of kindness. Ironic, since we ought to see that how we deal with others ultimately affects us more than it affects them; in all probability, we will never change them and they won’t ever change us, so treating others compassionately is not just selfless but kind of a selfish act. It serves us well, saves time and energy, not to mention headaches. Did I mention it makes us look good? The better we feel ourselves, the less likely it is that our emotions will be at the mercy of others. It’s easy to show our ugly side, give in to temptation and repay others with the same coin. But we can only consider a transaction complete if it’s satisfactory to both sides, and that, more than greedy, takes generosity on our behalf. In most situations, not just when it comes to anger, it takes the stronger side to overcome the ambivalence of the other. Otherwise, you’ll come to a stalemate.
It is impossible to lose it when we act out of empathy toward others. We see their humanity, recognize that this person is just under stress, and support them instead of fighting them. Lightheartedness, humor, humility, giving in to them, forgiving and asking for forgiveness, there’s not a better time to show your true nature than in a moment of crisis. Again, we may lose it from time to time, but this aspect of life, that is, our emotional lives, are much more under our control. Unlike the weather.
All of our problems have anger written all over it with childlike calligraphy. It’s ingrained in our culture. It’s how families are portrayed in films or television. It’s what we’ve seen growing up. But parents became parents without knowing what that meant. Lovers, too. And it hurts, it sucks that there are grown children raising children. It only perpetuates the same phenomena. It’s math, social studies, that they teach us in school. Not a word on how to deal with anger, how to be better lovers and/or partners, how to collectively thrive. It’s on TV, watching a movie or a television series; usually, the bad guy gets his/her way, right up until the end. If not, it is usually the hero who relies on the same violent tactics that the bad guy uses in order to defeat evil. Anger Management is the name that they give meetings of people with anger problems. Why not Self-Control? It is to shame those who suffer anger. It is to show how the whole of society is structured around the subject of anger. We live in angry times, therefore we are angry creatures, but why is this the message? Why is everything so disenfranchised from reality, as in how real it can be to have a collected state of mind. It’s not just an option but the sanest choice. Not “a happy”, but a collected self, makes for a compassionate camper, giving us a sense of wellbeing, enhancing our lives, and making us wholesome again. You don’t remember from infancy but from a start point years in the making. In my youngest memories, I was a loved child, my parents were in love and still together, dad a college graduate starting his career and mom a beauty queen. They had just moved into their first home.
It took years to assemble the one we are as I am today. All of the people I was ever close to, the ones I read outnumber them by far. I’ve had some fifty meaningful relationships, the vast majority of relatives, some friends, lovers among others.
If anyone wants out of the common ground, his/her efforts are ridiculed. In The Sopranos, one of the characters decides to tackle her anger issues by being overtly nice. It backfires, of course. And the show’s cynical take is that niceness sucks, as is with every violent show. It seems that everything in life is a reason to get all riled up about. What of those who spend their time, even an ounce of it, decrying the President’s behavior? It reminds me of how Howard Stern once learned that among his followers, those who enjoyed his show stayed tune for an hour or so, while those who opposed and hated it his views stayed on for hours-on-end.
Being angry-free is not the ideal response. You’ll find reasons not to, people make it their mission to test their own cynical ways on you, prove that you too are human. Anger is not overcome by a cheerful attitude any more than dressing all white to a pigsty. Our attire shouldn’t be immaculate, lest not remember the fates of those who lived the most abnegated existences. We praise them and make them martyrs, but the truth is that empaths are targeted and bullied since early on in life. It’s not just the helpless, but also the beautiful who take others’ onslaught. Envy in movies is usually backward, when it comes to bullying, the ones doing the bully are usually the sound and symmetrical ones. We should feel compassion for the destitute but fuck those who seem self-sufficient, seems to be the message. How many times have less than appealing individuals target those who dismiss crowds, or shine all on their own? Beauty is not the standard, and since beauty is power, it is suppressed in every way possible: clip their angel wings, bring them down to size. In high school, here in the States, I saw many girls fight, and usually the one thing they aimed at aside from pulling each other’s hair is to scratch each other’s faces, hoping to uglify their opponent. It was usually the pretty that lost the fight, as fighting is an innate ability and skill learned by those who lack either intellect or gracefulness. That’s not to say that aesthetically pleasing individuals aren’t capable of nastiness. It’s difficult to remain collected at all times, but if one makes its mission to keep a steady, uneventful, and overall sanguine state of mind their business, the reduction of anger, the not getting to rage, is paramount.
Someone close to me once complained about how the alternative, that is, reacting in a level-headed way to aggression may invite more attacks.
“That’s being passive,” she said. “You need to answer fire with fire!”
“Not if you want to put out the flame,” I retorted. One thing is being passive, and a very different thing is being a pacifist. Passivity does not contradict the status-quo, it accepts others’ wishes, doesn’t even raise a finger to point to a red flag. Pacifism is resolving things without the commotion anger brings. We’re wired for empathy, that’s why we feel good when we do good and that’s why we feel bad when we do bad. You treat others the way you feel, and there are ways to feel better, these rely on being better. If you want to feel good, then be good. You’ll feel better if you eat right, sleep well, exercise, meditate, and get along with others. It is of little use to eat well, sleep soundly, and do some yoga and exercise when you’re just not getting along with others. Even if you’re not, being angry at someone is no longer part of who you are.
Overlook their flaws, don’t get excited too easily. Why give them the satisfaction. And don’t show that you’re acting like you don’t give a damn. Don’t give a damn, but also, again, without anger. You can become this.
It’d be easier if we lived in a better world, but practice living in a world without anger, a place all of your own. This started a long time ago for me. I stopped using so much social media. It’s not about living without, just minimizing everything to a portion of the way it used to, until it no longer is an issue and, in fact, people kind of notice. “Hey, you don’t come around much!”
Anger did play a little bit of a role in my life but only because I had spent all my childhood and two-thirds of my teens playing the passive. A lot of us self-assured adults were late boomers. I was more or less passive as a teenager, and it served me well. Considering the fact that I had never attended the same school for more than a year before I got to the States, I think I did okay. Not everyone has the tenacity and bit of lunacy required to pursue success in life. We act as if we weren’t already lucky enough, but making things better than they are now is enough. Nothing extraordinary, just something that might help another. Don’t be lazy, call someone, tell them you love them, they’re waiting to hear so. It’s important that if you’re to root out anger, you better start nourishing the seeds with the right soil and sunlight. Good things require some effort, not a maximum effort. Just the right kind of effort put in the direction at a moment without hesitation. It’s as simple as pushing a button.
Things you can do to rip the benefits of this: Try never getting mad. It may sound impossible, but it’s not. Now, I’m not saying be made out of stone. You can get rattled, enraged but as long as you back down and do not escalate, do not feed fuel to the fire, then you’re okay. Sort of like when you hit yourself by accident and get angry over having done so. Getting the anger out will minimize the pain you feel. If you can extract anger from the equation, you’ll get to anticipate situations that may be a breeding ground for conflict. The idea is that anger will show its teeth but ultimately it is up to us to sink them in or bark. Even the showing of teeth is too much. Perhaps we get to sulk, pout, or fairly complain. Anger feeds off drama, and we all crave it, it’s ingrained in our culture, in the movies we watch, the music we listen to. Everything is about getting it on, defeating some crazy odds, etc. The level-headed person is nowhere to be found and whenever it is, people try to test them. Of course, everyone gets a response. That’s what they search for, but once they get it, it’s hard to resist.
What, then, can we do to get to no anger zone? Imagine the worst possible thing someone can say to you. Tell it to yourself in front of the mirror and study your cool demeanor, your nonchalant reaction. Watch a horror movie and keep your cool. Look at a beautiful woman and react normally, see her humanity, the person behind the facade. She’s tired of seeing every guy treat her favorably because of her looks. It’d do wonders for your love life. And, yeah, love life. You may choose to get angry for fake, like look at yourself get angry, or say and do things you do and say when angry.
We may get that people try to get a crack at entering our peaceful domain. If they happen to be the chaotic kind, leave them out. Do not spend time with people trying to bring out the worst in you. How they treat you or how you treat them is a reflection of who they are. Of who you are. And not that you’re anything special, but peace of mind, well, there’s just nothing better than that. If you feel like you lost it, get yourself collected. Meditation helps with it, if you meditate it ripples throughout your day as if a glowing sense of wellbeing, from the moment before you engage in the activities you look forward to, it builds with anticipation. And you realize, meditation is one of those things you can do anywhere, anytime, while doing almost anything. Yoga, too: you can breathe and stretch while in bed, walking, or especially while standing, lying in bed, sitting on the toilet, or while writing. But more importantly, it is the realization that it makes you that rare breed, a special kind of human being, the one who doesn’t lose his or her mind easily. Eating nutritiously is essential to feeling so, because, as they say, we are what we eat. No technique will replace that. It’s the most important part of the puzzle.
When I started a plant-based diet, it changed me, for the better. I no longer felt anxious like before, my partying days were over from one moment to the next, went from drinking ten units of alcohol a week, to not drinking. I don’t look back and I love it. I still may choose to drink once in a blue moon, but it really is not fun the way it used to be and whenever I choose, I notice, it takes me far less than before to get the same elated response. I don’t think there’s nothing sexier than asking for a bottle of water at a bar, but since I no longer go out. No one does. And I had stopped two years before Covid19 hit.
The money I saved (not to mention the headaches) not going out, not dating, all the books I read, all the meditation I underwent. I never went sexless, and I never had to get drunk to get there. It feels great to wake up in the morning. All because I didn’t have to nurse a hangover or do or say things we may later regret. Alcohol didn’t have a bad effect on me, it always brought the best, so don’t go tagging your delusions and madness. It did, however, put me in touch with my dark side, and my dark side, it shines still. Decide, like you would a pair of shoes, that you’re just not going to get angry from now on. Deciding not to live with anger doesn’t take much courage, just a collectedness of sorts. It kind of makes sense not to get mad over anything.
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