I now know that if I don't come up with a way to pay $2,700 owed in rent, I will lose this apartment. I love this place, this neighborhood: a block away from my most immediate family, near it all. I love Kew Gardens, the trees most of all, the nice people, the trees. This is where my second son was born, and this is where I fell head over heals in love with the most amazing girl I've ever met. Here's where I thought things will be different, and I had big dreams, and I fought oh so hard to keep it. But I was willing to risk it all for the one, the only, my true love. Now, I may not know if she loves me back with the same intensity, but I do know one thing: it doesn't really matter. You never get to know anyone in life the way you know yourself, so I do have a great deal of respect and love for myself. You can't never know how much or for how long someone will love you, if they truly do, but you cannot stop loving them either. That much I know: it doesn't matter if love is true, it only matters you're true to it. I love my kids, and I show just how much in every way possible. But you cannot fulfill anyone else's, including your sons', happiness; you can only be happy yourself, and I know that I will be happy with or without. I just am so much more happier than being by myself, though I am by no means miserable. I have a take-it-or-leave-it when it comes to relationships, but I rather show just how I want to take it. I don't wait idly for love to come my way, I fight through the forest of shadows life bestows upon me, and though things are not always as shiny as they could be, I still look for the bright side of things. No, I'm not naive, I know just how I get and I always demand more and I give plenty, too.
Synchronicity, it is at the very heart of what is true. There's nothing accidental and in the last three weeks, I've found her in the train at least twice, coming home from work, pretending I was at some non-existent place in the city having the greatest of times. You post on Facebook you're somewhere, because that's what you feel like doing, but then on your way there your mind shifts and you're no longer the vengeful soul that wanted to enjoy the moment for once. Oh, but I do anyways, and so I go home instead, and then find her everywhere, not just when I personally see her (which I've done quite often), but when she's not there, she's all around. My sons, too; I go and see them every chance I get and I must make myself happy if I want to be a force to be reckoned with in their lives. They recognize this love, their respective mothers know how specially they respond to me, and it is only because I always follow Confucius' maxim: "Wherever you may go, go with all your heart." I do so not only when it comes to them, but I try to apply such maxim in every way possible. You want to spend time with the things you love, and you may become irrationally jealous of anything. Jealousy is known also as the green eye monster, and more recently in psychological circles as "love's shadow." It makes sense that if you love something a great deal, you want it to be yours, you don't share your plate of food, your home, your possessions with anyone else. Why in the world then would you share your woman? I know I can't, and I wouldn't be with anyone who doesn't feel the same way. I don't get how our society cultivates the notion that no one belongs to us, it isn't true when it comes to emotions. We don't want to own anyone, but a degree of belonging is always healthy and that's that. Of course, then you learn that you have to let people be who they want to be. So, here's how you solve the riddle: you can't demand others love you back, you can only love them. You may rebel, and you may not like what you get in return, but you need to learn how to let go sometimes, retrieve and be on your own, so that you can find what you are really made of. Whatever your mind projects, whatever your idea of life is, becomes just that. So be mindful of whatever it is you put in your head, because even though it all is an illusion, it will become your reality. Whatever you focus on, becomes real, regardless of its veracity.
You speak highly of people because that's just who you are. If you try to push them, they will push back. If you try to hold them back, they will resent you. No matter how much you try to be with someone, there's, like the saying goes, no trying. You still manage to be a shadow, of love, at the mercy of anger, depression, go to work, come back to an empty place and yet fail to see that all of that which surrounds is inevitably linked to you, that you're not a separate being from all the other living things around. You fail to see that this world, and the universe, is all one single thing. If there's something magical, yet so hard to grasp, is the concept that in the end you and me, and all in between, are one. That singularity, along with synchronicity, are two of the greatest forces, in fact these should be synonymous. You owe rent, you live with your mom, you have two kids, you get pay a miserable salary, and somehow there's something to live for. You wake up and know that there's a job to be done, you still have your health and your youth, your looks and your fun. Thanks for the Vodka, yeah that Jeff Buckley song "Lover, you should've come over" is playing. It's bitter cold outside and for tonight you have a place to stay. Your mom is sound asleep, unaware of the harm she's caused. Things to be thankful for are all around, yes. You try not to make too much noise and there's enough money in your bank account to buy yet another pack of cigarettes which you so desperately need. You know they're bad for you, but still a little bad is always in place. There's that blond chick you spoke to for two hours at work, your charisma, your stamina, your soul. Those things are priceless, at least for tonight. You kiss the sky and thank there's another day, and another try, and another time, and maybe one day, if not tonight, you'll get it all right. Thank God for the Kew Club to be closed already. There's no way I could be seen at Last Call. There's just so much to be thankful for.
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