I thought of writing a story about a guy who complaints about his job, and sticks with it. Then goes home to his mother’s house and curses his luck for having such strict parents. But he kept living under the parental austerity throughout his twenties. Actually, the idea initially, previous to the former story, was to write whatever it occurred to me as I sat in front of the computer to make this log entry. Freedom is to gradually claim our independence in any existential arena, particularly when it comes to others. Allow the critics their take but pay them no mind, whatever flatters our vanity doesn’t necessarily nurture our vocation. Criticism is served cold; manuscripts and arts of great impact are warm-blooded creatures. But all good things to those who go in their quest patiently and exert some discretion in their passions with a freak-on release once in a while, ambitious but feasible immediate goals, short-term goals, long-term ones. The short-term ones are my favorite, those achievable in three to six months from now. Immediate ones are regarded as the most needful and easily acquired: buying a few pairs of brand-name socks in Century 21, getting a nice pair of black leather boots from Aldo, a great pair of jeans in Diesel, sending Glenda Black a gift certificate from Amazon.com, a dressing belt and white long-sleeve tee-shirt for work and if possible new pants and a suit to go along with, a compilation c.d. of that Spanish reggae-ton, get more sleep, write more. These are immediate and take a couple of weeks or less. Long-term ones, lasting two to five years, are such as fixing my credit, establish myself as a writer, pursue a career in literature or in the very least take courses of English grammar, and any other subjects that might improve my skills as a writer. I may stay marry to her for longer and help her with the kid and I won’t discuss any of this with her because I’m not sure myself yet. So, why would I deliberately hurt her? If I have my doubts is because there is potential. With or without her, I should seek always to lead a fuller life. I should remain generous but not as much as I have been this December. I did say to myself this month belongs to others. I worked for the gifts I bought and made a whole bunch of people a bit happier for a moment. I sent money to my sister and mother in Colombia and to my father in Venezuela. I sent Deborah a gift certificate for fifteen dollars and she hasn’t thanked me; when I saw her online once again, I said “Feliz Navidad, mujer”, she replied in Spanish, “Same” and then went off line and then on again and I didn’t say a word. I felt the sword of indifference when you have not done anything other than extend a spontaneous courtesy. I decided to send her the gift certificate as I appeared online this morning. Besides, what are fifteen dollars? Still though, she was an ass about it. It tortured delightfully that she might think me in love with her. She should be such a child. I don’t think, however, this is the case. Showing gratitude is a generous trait. Our minds rationalize any behavior adapted: murderers have their reasons too. I set the record straight here and absolve myself. As usual, I had settled a score without recurring to question the subject. As if any sort of explanation was necessary or could in any way solve what is someone else’s problem. I had given her an hour of my labor. Well, at least now you have an idea of how much I earn. Not a whole lot but still enough, add all the overtime I pull weekly, Isabel’s earnings, not owning the mortgage of a house or the expenses of a vehicle, and top it off with living cheap in the Bronx.

My sister spoke to me through words today, thanked me for the Christmas present I gave her, told me about her plans of moving to Miami, and said, same as she did last year, she still owed me a gift. My cousin Evelyn tried me several times at my cell, which I left in the locker room inside a pocket in my jacket, and on her third try I was eating in the room for the second time that night. I called her back there but the call failed, and then tried her again later. I spoke to Erika, my other cousin, as well. They both thanked me and seemed excited by the gifts I got them. I said I’d be with them on New Year’s Eve. Evelyn said I should go before that. I doubt I will find time between labor and leisure. But I said I would to her. Who knows if I am another on Thursday night, and venture into Queens? I could sit down at the bar in Corona or the one next door to my cousin’s building Evelyn spoke to me of. I could go to Kana. This time around, I will put into work all the forces in order to be every day more independent, creative and prosperous. See, I didn’t see many of my gender involved in these issues, like Raymond at work, said that his wife took care of the shopping thing.