Sacrifices are in order

I just finished working out. Now, I’m off to the bank. I saw Paola online and asked her if she was going to spend New Year’s Eve in our aunt’s house. She said she would, inquiring why the question. She may think that I am avoiding her. The reality is so much more complex. In fact, I had seen her online Christmas Day, and she thanked me for my gift. But she also asked me if I had received her message on my cellphone. I hadn't at the time, but later in the day I saw it. I had seen her the day after Christmas, again, and didn't bring up the fact that I had read the message. I must have seemed as rude then. Subconciously, perhaps, but I don’t hold any grudges against her. Although, at times I still find myself dwelling in negative reminiscence of our past altercation. Well, I guess that is the order of the day. I do so, not out of failure to work things out in my mind; I do so purposefully, in an invigorated way, the same way with which I disguise myself as a stout Republican in certain encounters with Deborah online. I think politics divided us but the foundation to break us apart was already ingrained in several differences that had manifested themselves. Her gradual rejection, her multiple affairs (well, technically, they weren't affairs since we weren't in an actual relation) or promiscuity, none of that bothered me as much as she ever thought did. We saw each other rather unusually and I was officially in a relationship. Rooted deep beneath me was to add to my sense of masculinity the conquest of blond Spaniard. I handled the whole ordeal in such a careless way. I hated and pushed away the one that loved me and I loved the one that pushed me away. But I don’t remember being obsessed as I used to. I lost more than most than all, an ideal partnership, shelter, and even my job. Well, yeah, I do enjoy pissing her off with outbursts of radical American neo-conservatism. I don’t think they are all that radical. To me, it is more of a radical move to inflict the pain in such a cowardly way as the radical Muslims often do. They call such action “martyrdom-like”, and I see it as very cowardly. Their mentality is fanatic, and no doubt the government is somewhat emphatic in a lost cause, as historically that region has been conquered by so many in the past, and most of them are ideologically inept societies that aspire to replace oppressive monarchies by a theocracy when the separation between Church and State happened more than three centuries ago already. Of course, with George W. Bush in the White House the clock could be turned backwards.
Just a while ago, Isabel got home, desperate about the conditions on which she found the apartment. Now there’re four of us, and only one of her. The cat, the dog, are both males, as are Vangelis and I. Later, I heard from the bedroom Isabel explained to Vangelis without hearing him ask that yesterday night her friend didn’t show up to take her home as they had planned beforehand. She had to wait until everyone else got a ride until they brought her home. I said to her, “How about we go out dancing?”


Now the discussion is about who brings more to the house. In food, and things to be used, like detergents, toilet paper, tooth paste, and food in general, I do. I also pay the light and gas and phone bills, too, and I give a weekly amount. Next week, I’ll send more money to my sister in South America, the only responsibility I have outside this home. New Year’s Eve, I will be at my aunt’s, along with Isabel and Vangelis. We may leave earlier with the excuse of having a long journey home, so that we can take Vangelis home and then venture out. It would be fun, like two mad teenagers. Let’s burn a couple of cities down. Now, the bar scene hasn’t been checked, so that is a must in the upcoming week. Like I said, December is for other people in our lives. I will take plenty of beer to my aunt’s house on Friday. I will take Isabel to the movies nearby, and watch Bad Education. But before that, arrive at my aunt’s and cook for all. I want to be dependable, spend quality time with them before I go hiding for the winter months and spend the rest of the time too busily edifying myself. I will send money to my sister and mother in Colombia twice a month until I accumulate the amount I promised Milagros I would give: the equivalent of two semesters in college over there, close to two thousand dollars. That’s a lot more than I received from my unemployment benefits. See, like I said to her, first she must never cease her search for a job and second she must see that my help has limits because I need to pursuit dreams of my own. If I’m not happy, then those who depend on me will suffer as well. While I concede as true that I could continue to help her and still follow my path, but it will take away my full concentration. Sacrifices are in order.