With God in mind

It's the first time I open this word document on Wordpad since the last time when  the battery came off and I lost a few good pages of literature to oblivion. She accidentally dropped it on the floor and I hadn't saved my work. It was my fault; I didn't know how to handle her high energy.

Endings are usually pretty messy, it's when both parties resolve to put it all out in the line one last more time, bitterly fight the one we once loved, throw it all to the fire and let it come up in flames. Emotions run high and you lose your cool. The most important thing to do is keep your composure, your aplomb, be receptive and open to the possibilities life affords us. This moment, I find myself picking up pieces and patching things up with my girlfriend. She feels neglected, that's what I get for dealing with children. I call it "the terrible double 2", an allusion to that toddler's two years of age madness, "the terrible 2".

She said, I needed to find an apartment before I get kicked out. I've kept my apartment, had to fight for it. She said I'd never find another beautiful young girl who'd want to be with me, just like Connie had once said. And I did, one month ago. Will it last? Who knows? All that matters is the kindness and the patience, the space and sometimes silence, the ear you lend to listen to her nonsense, poke fun at her, take things lightly. She's a bit lazy, doesn't do much around the house, lays there quietly using her phone from sunrise to sundown. She rarely goes out with her friends, it's kind of heavy that we already live together. Making time apart and she going out there and having fun, is good for the relationship. It brings a cool breeze, the trick is not in expecting others to make you happy; the trick is to enjoy making them happy. I love cooking for my lover, giving her massages, squeeze, spank, bite, pinch, scratch, suck, lick, kiss, pull her panties and wedge them up their ass-crack.

There's a part angel and a part demon in every individual; it really depends on which of the two roles we play more often. The more we sing to the harmony that that divine nature of ours brings into play, the more we adopt more akin and peaceful ways of solving problems, tackling issues that are of the utmost importance without any more delays. The more immersed you are in this moment, the more alive you become. Make a list of things that need to be done with time enough to carry them out. Just follow through and then repeat.

She's sweet and quiet, a tempest and a dance, sex enthusiast, for lack of a better way of phrasing it. Instead of talking bad about religion, I use it on her to push her to find peace through God and she goes to church and doesn't drink alcohol and she doesn't smoke. Whenever things go sour, people talk and demand. It's hard to give, but whoever does manage to give, usually wins. And I've been poor for so long, I'm sick of it; enough grieving my failures as a father and taking my life on. I am eager to commence the classes for my license. I'm working out often. I keep actively, mostly. Oh, yeah, and we fuck like jack rabbits.

Of course, that's when the campaigns to slander one another begin; ironically, the more we love someone, the more likely we are to hate them one day. It's because we view others, strangers especially, as either allies or follies. We have to belong to something, and we find that we are actually at the mercy of a dual mind. We want more than we have, regardless of how grateful we are, more seems the way to go, but substance is of importance. We can accumulate possessions and miss out on family and friends, buy properties and live life counting every cent, consumed by good debt. That's it a plan worth pursing, and it's not like ambitious individuals do not have friends, they have allies; and if they want to, they can spend time with them and still have some time left for the best of relatives. Ambitious people aren't just greedy about money; a good dosis of greed is healthy in the times we live and success doesn't necessarily mean you have to sacrifice good relationships. It means you have less time but whatever time you spend with others (friends or family) is well spent and invested. There's no glory in spending all the time together doing nothing, and that I had done lately. We ought to go places, see new people, don't get entangled too soon, be selective since we have more than one choice and take things slow. The problem is when your life revolves around your relationship. Your life should gravitate toward the matters of inner joy and gradual improvements, maintaince. The driving force that propels some to go farther is an effort that accelerates the aging process. They live two lifetimes every few years, if their drive isn't solely for material posession, some experience more in a day that many will not experience in a lifetime. Spirituality isn't something that all men arrive to, either. There are more religious types than spiritual ones. It's never a clear-cut, self-evident truth and the line may turn blurry when closely analyzing people's hardcore beliefs, whether these have a basis on godly science or abject religion, because as an atheist I may see humor where others see sacrilege. Let's be honest, religion is funny. I understand it's serious business for the faithful but these pages are meant for those who find the light-hearted side of things. To me, religion is somewhat funny and mostly nonsense. Sure, it has its good lessons, thou shall not kill, etc., but do we really need to follow any of the other craziness religion proposes. Humor isn't evil but if people make fun of other people's beliefs, without prejudice and only for the sake of enlightment. I'm not into convincing others of my beliefs, and if people want to have an imaginary boss who follows their every move and judges all the fun out of life, so be it. The biblical god is a tyrant and if we are to observe Christ's life, then we'll have to be Jews. Of course, the roman emperor Constantine didn't want to hand power down to the Jews, so Catholicism was born. The Christian bible was rewrote, the old testament was crafted and adapted to reflect the newly adopted religion of the Roman Empire. There were many emperors who grew mad or tyrant in time, power tends to corrupt and all sorts of atrocities were commited.

But the most atrocious of them all was probably the introduction of Christianity as the official religion of the empire. It threw back herbal medicines, ancient cures and remedies to the ailments of the body. Christianity absurdly holds the anti-natural and demented notion that the flesh didn't matter and that all matters should be dealt with God in mind. Religion stunned scientific progress, killed or silence some of our greatest minds, eradicated virtually all indigenous tribes in the Americas, unforgivable shit like keeping Galileo in house-arrest for most of his life, a man as rich and influential as that, what was left for others? The newly adopted religion spread like wildfire throughout the empire and today we're true descendants of that hybrid between the remnants of Roman rituals prior to the introduction of Christianity.

You can see ambitious people age relatively faster, though they usually are in much better shape than their poorer counterparts. Ambition is a consuming force that demands a lot of your time, sleep, peace of mind. Nothing that the ambitious type cannot overcome; best to have a mature and 

Eventually, the smoke will clear. It is likely that I suffer from a mild case of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), anger is systematic, a survival mode. We all play our little games to get us through the day. Most importantly, getting a good night sleep. Which what I'll do right now.