It's Hard To Keep A Good Man Down

I wanted Eli to terminate the pregnancy. I can’t shake feeling guilty for the things I’ve wanted, but I won’t excuse myself for them either. At the time, I felt like bringing a kid into the glorious mess of our relationship was not the sane move; a kid is hard work and I couldn’t afford that luxury. It would have meant relocating a vast portion of my earnings toward an investment. You can’t help but to invest on those who are of importance to you. Whether these things are people, hobbies or a task to be carried out, they demand of you a great deal of commitment. You can’t half-heartedly embrace anything; you can only close your eyes and let the chips fall where they may. And fall they will, and soon, after the dust clears, you’ll see where you stand.
When Eli decided against my better judgment, I felt relieved of my anxiety. Now I had to face the music; I may not have been ready for it. This mad siren sang to me, and I was called up to arms and to the bloody teeth, I felt its urgency and responded. It was a desolate feeling having to deal with a major crisis like knowing that your kid may not fully recover from this. And it was painful to admit to myself that I was scared and did not know what path to take. I made my mind soon; I’m not one to sit idly, unless it is to attain enlightenment.
On the other hand, if I waited around till I was ready to have an offspring, I may never have had the joy of actually having one. Unexpected circumstances in life are not always unwelcome; they can be quite exciting and full of a life of its own. I can say with an open heart that yes it hurts but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Luckily, we’re somewhat masochistic. How the hell could we go through life if not without a sense for black humor and a less than perfect picture. Who knows? Maybe I was right not to want this but now that I’m faced with it, I’m less sure of my former position. Nothing of this nature has ever been part of my lengthy list of things to do. Nothing in my list is unconquerable, yet this might be it. And that is fine. All things require patience and effort, and if the investment isn’t always rewarding, then you get to practice patience and put into it your best effort just for the heck of it. It gives you a different perspective. Nothing will be the same, something has been irreparably broken, and it is okay, bring it. I won’t run away. I will not cave in. I will not scare away. I will lay low from time to time, rejoice in misery and let all the bad luck in the world make its residence here. A bad hand is not the end of the world. It is the way life deals the cards. You get a shitty hand from time to time. You just have to work with what you got. Don’t back down; let them see you in the flesh. Don’t be a coward. Show your face and what you’re made of. This is the stuff of legend.
I have a son who suffers from autism, the severe kind, and though I’ve invested in educating myself on the subject, spent a considerable amount of resources and energy on special diet, early education, personal tutors, parent-to-child therapy, plans to rent a hyperbaric chamber, instructive toys and remote-control cars, walk therapy, I didn’t give up on him and I won’t. Eli wants things to progress, but things in and of their own never get any better; you make them better. If it’s a word he utters, or a ritual he breaks out of, it is recorded in both video and paper. Committing to paper his progress, it helps keep the memory sharp and brings those special shared moments truly worthy. You may not get to say anything new, or you may lose patience at times, but you never let despair set its claws, and you always face fear dead on. Stare right back at it, fight inertia, overcome procrastination, design new and bolder schemes, lift a finger, a hand, get in motion. Act now, and rest later; work now, and enjoy later.
The present is our sole possession. We can now decide to plan the good seeds, nurture them and see them grow. Focus on that which is of the utmost importance. Let every single other thing truly slide.
Of course, you’ll miss her. You’ll go crazy. Think about it: how lucky of you. You haven’t been in this spot for so long. It is good to get in touch with our disarray, so that you can collect the scattered pieces of glass and fuse back together this shattered mirror. Piece by piece, put yourself back together. Hum a lullaby, rock back and forth in your chair, sit back and relax. It’s hard to keep a good man down.