As a psycho

I committed the mistake of agreeing to stay over beyond my regular shift and I’m now paying dearly for it. I am not so much taken by sleep deprivation; after a while it kind of leaves you wandering a fascinating land full of abstract toys which I have so obsessively written about in these insipid monologues for quite sometime now. What does worries me is the tension that derives from it, the stress slowly mounting, crawling under your skin. Ah, what I wouldn’t give to have something worth writing about. I don’t think making sense will help in anyway, anyhow. Which is, sad to admit, a futile effort: to ruminate mentally, or thinking one thing after the other for no particular reason, is equivalent to that sort of madness I was talking about before. I will sleep someday not very far from here. Meanwhile, I wonder if my ear will withstand the amount of anxiety building every passing moment. I have to claim my destiny back, just what’s mine, I can’t continue in this vicious cycle, this depressing routine. Now I can’t be blamed for what I write under these circumstances. In fact, blame doesn’t worry me either. Quite honestly (in lack of a better way to phrase it), I don’t remember the last time that I felt guilty over anything. “That is such a Christian bullshit” I was once quoted as saying in reference to guilt by my dear Turkish friend, Eda. She didn’t tell me so at the exact moment I said it, but instead waited a few months to let me know how ingenious that had been for her to hear.
But going back to blame, no, I don’t feel guilty, which is, of course, what blame is for. The pressure put on an individual who doesn’t respond normally to the feelings that words such as worry, guilt, resentment, pity, or else, tends to be a heavier load than just saying you’re sorry when you really aren’t, and appearing so, when in reality it isn’t so.
Psychopaths have no remorse, I have read. Well, then, at least in trivial circumstances, wherever a feeling only serves the purpose of making you feel lousy, limited, restrained, or else, then, yes, by all means, count me in as a psycho.