Conclusion to an unfinished business

The ideas I have about relationships now as living entities that are only bounded by our fears, but also by hope. All of that sort of crap, I used to swallow. The thing about having high standards is that these serve you well in any other human field of interaction. In your friendships, complex as they may be, high standards are not always mandatory but never go unnoticed. Standards can define an individual, I thought. I raise the masculinity bar and implement the old now habitual rituals of hygiene, style, and dominant character. Yes, if it is within our means we should celebrate the company of others by spending some of our money on them. Never more money than you can, and indulging and patronizing an encounter with an old friend or lover could enhance your attractiveness. But more importantly, it puts you in a position of power. The one who pays is the one who says where to go, suggests what movie to see, and takes charge. That is a masculine way to adopt and incorporate to your behavior. Don’t mingle too much, remain friendly and distant; not cold, of course, but just reserved in our way of dealing with others. Let’s laugh and joke on occasion, help others once, show up and help, and offer your assistance and mind our business most of the time. The thing is that anxiety makes of many males to be still under the spell of their mother’s domination. These individuals are taken by very dominant females who assume the control of the house and the rules, and still the man is the bigger provider. Some women have seen themselves forced to work and earn while her boyfriend or spouse was unemployed. This means that the one in control is the one on top of the situation. The more we do, and wish to see accomplished, the more we demand, the more we get out of life. By dealing with our own aspirations, pushing forward, saving and put maybe as a distant third in the list “relationships”. If we grow, in time things will be easily acquired. If we keep at certain task, we will master it. Money is not what matters; what really matters is the realization that wealth starts with a frugal mentality. The sense of confidence and optimism are closely related to lives of well-being and prosperity. For when the source of income vanishes, it is our resolution, our belief, our sense of worth that drives us to excel and find another, in essence, to strive. The moment we see ourselves without it, our impulse to come up with ways to prosper is what really matters. Survival and progress are deeply ingrained in our nature. Not only do we survive, we strive! The human species is characterized in my view as the impulse to evolve in the Darwinist sense, survival, and a thriving instinct. A desire to make things better, to balance themselves, to grow compels us. To know, and question our knowledge, to constantly make things better even when they end up being for the worse. More affairs were resolved with violence than any other mean. Crime, for instance, is an example where punishment is administered to a member of society that has violated the laws of such society. To always seek what is adventurous, paving the way for days to come, working hard and having fun. I work six days a week on average, I think I’m entitled to have some time alone once a month. It used to be every other day, but lately I find myself at home renting movies for the whole crew, popcorn, wine, order-outs, and to the movie and then a walk in Manhattan every once in a while. I am ambivalent for now but I know what to do. I will continue chopping, sculpting and cultivating my character. I will save and once in a while venture out alone. I need both the familiar life and a small shot of vanity every now and then. Of course, in theory, because in practice it has been months since I last went out on my own. I may have lost my social connections, my readers, involved as I am with my life. Well, I have been quite busy, indeed, immersed into writing. I have been pulling overtime at work. I have taken care of every single thing on my list and still pursuing other goals as well at the moment. Who knows, and by the actual time of reading it, I may have become a god. No, I am not being delirious; well, perhaps, maybe a little. I will practice a centered and harmonious life in which I will not deprive my animal nature of its occasional treats, claim my sovereignty and emancipate myself from any ties relationship wise. But that is still enshrouded in fog. It may not happen ultimately given that my relationship has grown stronger and more meaningful as things tend to do with habituation. I am more comfortable nowadays being indoors, sipping a glass of wine and watching a movie, yes, there is a certain something about this sedentary living that seduces me and frightens me at the same time. Well, I’ll be the first to admit that there are many people in our position willing to dance and have a little something once in a while, not always in a sexual nature because quite frankly all vanishes when the lights are put back on and it’s time to go home. I won’t derail from all the commodities of marriage to engage in a single’s lifestyle. The luxury of living on my own is a self-reward I must earn first. There’s a lot of pain and wounds in this house, and I am starting to come clean. I want to live as I want to, and if Isabel still wants to be part of it, which will mean of course that she will be in it. But also I have told her about our differences, which are by now means irreconcilable, and tell her that in five to ten years I am going still to look a lot younger than her. I have exposed all of the things I speak of here. In fact, she is one of my most assiduous readers. I don’t hide from her, and never touch her physically. I don’t insult her or abuse her in any form. Quite the opposite, I have said to her that my misbehavior is not due to my love for her. I don’t fall in love with anyone, she knows very well, and I haven’t met anyone in such a long, long time. But it is just a matter of time before the waters are unsettled, and the tempest starts. Surely, one just holds on tight to the ropes and takes the verbal onslaughts and manifestations of impotence. I am doing a disservice if I think of all this and not let her know how I feel. I keep certain accounts to myself. I have a sense of privacy but I don’t want her to suffer with my pleasure. She is, in fact, quite free to be with me, which comes with its advantages, and knows she is free to exercise the same liberty I enjoy. Together we will fight together, if she wants, and if she wants to be left alone, she is welcome to so at any moment. By now, we are married and not just because she needs to legalize herself but also because it was the thing I wanted to do but wasn’t so sure to do. Now I know that nothing well ever comes from salivating in anticipation; it’s all about keeping focus on our goals and keeping deadlines in check. To motivate ourselves daily and grow every single opportunity you have.