At my most selfish

Okay, so there is an ambivalent aspect to this whole equation, and I am in the middle of two driving forces that will tear me apart if I don’t do anything soon. I speak, of course, of contradictions so palpable in my writings, as I constantly talk about staying but have my mind set on leaving. So, what is it then? Do I bail out or do I stay? The answer has to a lot to do with me not having entirely decided on one or the other in the first place. Secondly, it has to do with Isabel’s own growth and progress, which, honestly, has been steady for a very long time. Lastly, I can’t deny that whatever my decision is in the end, it will be based solely on what is best for me and Isabel, and whether she can stand my absence after being together for oh so very long. When we started, I was very much a kid, and as a result I was obliged to mature more rapidly. At least, that much I owe to her: the fact that because she was already a woman in many ways, and in need of a man, not a kid, forced me to go through the process of becoming that man for her. However, that process was already instilled in me, and it was only a matter of time before I ended up where I am: untangling a web of deceptions that has its roots buried deep in the lack of experience. How many times do we look at the past and the problems that we had back then seem so easy to solve. As a matter of fact, everyone else’s problems seem easier to solve than our very own. That is due to the fact that these problems outside ourselves don’t affect us in personal, that is, emotional way. If someone has been hit by a car, it is obvious that a passerby with a clearer perspective of the events and not directly affected by the events may have a better chance at making the decision to be implemented at that particular moment than the victim itself. This example serves us as a way of dealing with our problems in a manner that would not overwhelm us, as if we were impartial witnesses to the whole. Our emotions tend to paralyze us and often play tricks on us. I will not be part of this psycho-roller-coaster for very long, and I have come up with a childish and yet effective way to deal with the whole dilemma.
It is no surprise that I am, as most individuals may feel, stuck in a mess. I got myself here, and I certainly can take myself out just the same. What avoided me from taking action is not an issue anywhere: what type of action to take is. The reason at the core of it all is that Isabel has a child, a thirteen-year-old kid who is in a critical age as of now, and what part of a child’s life isn’t critical anyway? His history is very similar to mine, except that I recognized his void early into my relationship with Isabel and pushed her to bring him to her side. I thought back then that maybe being with her son will make her happier than she was. Her attitude towards life in general improved for a while, but then she went right back at being her very miserable self. It sounds cruel, but I am not making any of this up. Then it was all about her status in this society, being that she was illegal and how long had it been since she was so, and for how long could she stand being so. That problem was solved when I decided to marry her, and in the process improve her chances at a better tomorrow. It had happened not only because I wanted her to legalize her situation but also because it worried me she didn’t appear as pushy as she should have been in that particular aspect of her life, and that maybe she was depressed to be in that state that she had given up the fight. In other words, time was passing by and we were so much like a family, only I had not done enough for her and she had given me years of her life. This alone constitutes reason enough to give something back to someone who has given me so much. So, I acceded to marry her, eventually. What I had given so much thought came and seemed so natural, and, again, she seemed happier for a time. I had never seen her smile so and be as happy as she was on the day of our wedding. But the happiness turned a little bitter over time and she ended right back at the hands of misery. Now, what do I mean by that? She’s not happy, never has been and rarely seems so. Then it was time to complain about the things we didn’t have now. So, the two of us filled the apartment little by little and made plans to move by the end of summer from the Bronx, and still there is no happiness in sight.
Things need not be as drastic as they sound here. I am, in a way, a little frustrated with the whole situation. But I will amend things and heal her wings before I am done here. I know that the source of happiness has little to do with external conditions and more with our own way of dealing with life. But it may be a sad realization now to think that I have changed perhaps and that she hasn’t. That alone will suffice for our rupture. But what about the kid? Sadly, too, he is not my problem as he is not my kid it would be easy to argue. But I say again, what about the kid? Revolving the whole situation around him, I have decided that I will live with them and continue to support them as I have up to now until he turns fifteen, less than two years from now. That is how old I was when I came to this great nation. That is time enough to improve their way of life like they never experienced before, and by that, I mean, economically as well as emotionally. These are not crazy predicaments. This is a vision I have. Like I had, when I decided to quit smoking, or when I lost and kept my weight off, or when I said I’d get a job that same Monday almost a year ago and landed me this job. I will have plenty of time to be selfish later on. But for the time being, work and energy will be focused on the task at hand. That is, if Isabel allows me so. If I feel the need to be in her life, I will always be in her life one way or the other. Even when I am at my most selfish.