How to clean yourself

Among the many activities taken for granted, I can’t recall who it was that taught me how to clean my ass. This is not to be confused with covering your ass, which I mastered all on my own, almost innately. I guess that it was my mother who… although, it could have been my father. I don’t know and I don’t care much really. But when I think back, it might have been me who actually perfect it the whole ordeal. So, here’s my way of doing it, illustrated for the pure purpose of entertainment. This is not going to score me any pointers with the girls, of course; but it might be something worth reading whenever we run out of objects to lose ourselves in the abandonment of masturbation.
I think, before proceeding, that it might prove useful to google it. But if I’m not mistaken, there’re several ways of doing so, and being in the privileged position of living in the United States, I will never have to go back to the days in which out of scarcity people would use newspaper as toilet paper. Well, there’s even a more fancy way of anus sanitation, and it has to do with water propelled at high speeds directed straight up your ass. It is a method favored by many purists, but the whole notion of chilled water hitting my anus is somewhat unsettling. The cool, splashy feeling might become addictive overtime, and I wouldn’t want to venture in that scenario now, would I? Of course, I’m open –and not in the rectum way –to new horizons. Actually, now that I find myself comfortably discussing these issues it has dawned on me as a plausibility I may want to experience one day. But for now the closest thing to watering my ass I have come close to is partially wetting the tissue that I clean myself with so that the residues
Oh, yeah, I was about to depict my way of handling this. What I do is, grab the sheet off the roll of paper and pull it up to half an arm length, then, as I hold it steady by the edge, roll it back for another round. I repeat that procedure for three times fold. Now here’s the part all of us have been waiting for: once I have extracted the desired amount, I hold it on my right hand as I part the left cheek of my behind with my left, and slightly bending down, I wipe myself thoroughly once. Then I have the bad habit of glancing viscerally at it for a nano-second before I fold it unto itself, and repeat the operation once again until it’s wholly cleaned. So, there you have it.